He just walked out the gate

Welp. That dude I've liked since Easter just walked out the gate. He leaves tomorrow morning for two months overseas, and no, I'm not going with him.

I'm done with him.  I don't really think he knows I exist even though I've made it completely obvious thousands upon thousands of times.  I've cried buckets of tears over him and thought I was done with him a little over a month ago.  But of course I'm  a girl and the tiniest little thing set me off in a whirl and had me thinking there was hope of him liking me and pursing something.

Nope.

Nada.

SOOOO this weekend I had the flash to reality that if he did like me, he would do something about it.  I am worth pursing and I do not need to do all this worrying and thinking.  I am done with crushes.  As crazy as that sounds, I really really am done with crushes.  Done.  They are no more for me.

What God is trying to communicate to me as I woke up for church Sunday morning was that my singleness is a Gift.  I've been reacting like a child who gets exactly what they didn't ask for at Christmas.  I am screaming, crying, kicking and pushing it away saying 'I HATE IT!'.

But it is a Gift from Almighty God, the true Lover of my soul.  He has given this to me, He gives the best gifts and what we need most.  I desperately need Him and to take all this focus off of me and my wants and focus on Him and His wants for me.

I am now transitioning out of this 'I hate it' mentality to trying to accept this gift that now I see is given to me to enjoy, and how I have been responding.  How much that must hurt His heart as the Giver?  It must grieve Him to see me treat His Gift this way.  And isn't that exactly what happened on the cross? Yes, the Gospel is hitting me now, even as I type this blog post, my utter need for Jesus, the very One I mock and 'hate', He is the One I need.

He is my Gift.

I started this year out with one 'goal' and that is that I fall more in love with Him, the One who is pursing me and knows me better than any other.  Well, He's doing it, pursing me, drawing me to Himself.  How will I respond?

Somewhere in the Middle

So in the last two weeks I have learned there are two extremes of guys: ones too shy to ask a girl out and ones too thirsty they're dangerous. Word to all: stay away from them! Not worth the time and effort for either.

 Guys, I am worth pursuing, but also valuable enough to take it slow and take time to get to know me before jumping to getting my number & asking out for coffee.

I've thought maybe I'm reaching the age where guys my age or older than me have a pretty good reason why they're still single (not a positive reason!), so then that leaves me wondering if I'll end up with someone younger than me.  I mentioned that to my friend last night, she gave some wise thoughts on this topic.  She strongly suggested only a younger guy only if he is mature enough to lead spiritually.  I fully agree with her.  I wouldn't want it any other way.  I don't want to be this dude's mom or big sis, I want to be his Mrs. and walk beside him and support him and go to him for advise.  So I guess that spiritual maturity piece is important for any age...that man's gotta lead!

Another thought on this guy topic... my mind has been so focused on finding 'the one' the last few months and not so focused on 'the One' who made that 'one'.  A little off.  :-/ HE deserves all my attention and not just the afterthought and blame of all my childish frustrations of not getting what I want or ask for.  HE is constant and never failing, yet I fail Him every time I lack the trust to take care of me regardless of that 'one' in my life or not.

Teach me to be content moment by moment dear Jesus.  I need You deeply.  Help me to keep my eyes on you and not the selfish desires of my heart.

Selfish Values

This is probably a selfish post. And it is probably one of those personal ones that is border-line journal entry. My apologies. I am done with guys. Done. The thing I want most in life, to be a wife, a man's helper.... yeah.... today that seems impossible. Not just today, but really lately. Impossible. Very impossible. The guys who do show interest, its not mutual, and it would never work, like they are lacking very important things (FAITH in CHRIST, desire to serve overseas, etc). This I just do not understand. How can I be friends with so many godly young men who have the desire to serve overseas and yet I am never an option to them? They are completely oblivious of me. I am so sick of it. I have wasted the last six months waiting to be noticed by a particular guy. I have put myself very obviously in his path. I have shown my interest in a good-not-too-forward way. Our mutual friends know of my interest in him, heck even his siblings know. Basically our entire church knows. Surely he knows too. I feel like it is pointless to continue. All hope is gone. I'm done. I'm not just done with him, I'm done with guys in general. I don't want to have a crush ever again. I don't want to waste my time, efforts and thoughts on someone who never notices me or gives me the time of day. I realize tonight, (as I probably have so so so so so many times before) that my value is of way much more than what I am getting from this silly interest that is going no where. I am a daughter of the King, the MOST HIGH GOD ALMIGHTY. I do deserve someone who sees that and pursues me for who I am in Christ. I should not have to be the one dropping the hints and initiating everything. NO. There is nothing wrong at all about me wanting so deeply to be pursued by a man of God who values me for me and does that hard work of winning my heart. Sorry dudes, from here on out it will be hard. I don't really trust you males. Tonight I'm pretty much a hater. I wish there were more men out there, step it up. Man up already. If there is an amazing godly woman in your life, don't waste your time in your nerves, suck it up and ask her out or just be intentional about getting to know her. Ok? Please? I'm begging you. Sure I hate rejection just as much as the other person, but seriously, girls have it worse, I want to be a lady and wait for the MAN to make the moves. That is so hard when there are so FEW men in this world. Suck it up and ask her out. Take on your God-given leading role. I want to follow, I'm sure other girls do too. So here it is my selfish but-I-see-the-value-of-not-settling blog post. thanks for your time if you did read this.

If we are the Body

Last week I stumbled upon an article written by a prof at Moody and sadly I wasn't able to finish it because of the length, but some of what he said has really helped my perspective on singleness. He had a little blurb about how those of us who are single can find a remedy to the loneliness we feel in the Body of Christ, just as much as those who are married and lonely can do the same. The Body of Christ is to be that. We should never have to retreat to thinking an individual will provide the comfort we need, no that is found in Christ and His Body are the people who show His love in that way. He uses them in our lives. With that said, I have to get out what happened today when I left work. I took some pie to friends and talked there for a bit, then went to the church office to talk with the youth pastor, but ended up talking with him and then another man who works in the office. This man is a father of 5 and a little older than my own dad. He and I share a similar passion for food. After talking food for a bit he got serious. He was genuinely concerned about me. The next 20ish minutes he talked to me as if I was his own daughter and I felt like my dad was telling me what to do. I loved it. He encouraged me to get my eyes set on goals and work towards them. He had so so so many good things to say. I don't know if I can remember them all, but just the fact he took the time to sit there and talk 'dad' to me I loved. THIS was the Body of Christ to me today. This man who walks with Christ spoke things I so needed to hear right to me without knowing the depth of how I needed that. HE was just following the direction of the Holy Spirit. I walked out of his office and right to the secretary's office just to say hi..... or so I thought... She greeted me and I found myself sitting there again, listening to her wisdom, love, passion and seeing her servants heart pouring out of everything she was saying & doing. The 'dad' guy poked his head in and jokingly told her to go home, it was after 5pm. She looked at me and told me, "That's how he's always treated me." She proceeded to tell me about when they first met. She's in her late 50's now, she met him when she was 19, I'd say they are close-ish to the same age. She took him to Bible study, he said he'd only go though if she went to some scientology class with her.... she said she never had to go because he decided to follow Christ at Bible study when she took him. I was blown away encouraged by her story. She not only told me about him and this Bible study, but aslo how God used that Bible study in her life to bring her to Himself. It is so obvious He wanted her! I walked out of the church offices ready to go home, but no, one more person to talk to. The outreach pastor stopped me and asked about the Tuesday group I have been a part of for a few years now. We stood and talked for a while. I love that group, it is a ripe harvest. I long for their hearts to be softened for the truth and freedom of God & Christ. I want so bad for them to be sold out for Jesus. I want what happened to the church secretary and her friend (the dad guy) to happen to these guys. I want so badly to move into that neighborhood and have these types of Bible studies in my own home. I want to be a part of the Body of Christ that ministers to my brothers and sisters and contributes to Kingdom building.

Twenties

Does anyone else find life in the twenties hard? OH RIGHT LIFE IS HARD! I don't know what is wrong with me. I am so down. I think it is largely due to my lack of social interaction in the last week. I feel like I'm just living life, the routine things, and there isn't much meaning to it at all. Yeah, I guess I do miss my youth kids. I am ready for school to start back up and to have the normalish schedule back. So many times today I have thought about going to visit my sister and friends in New York, or how I'd like to travel the world, go camping, or so much other than where I am. And always my thoughts come back to that still small voice that whispers "be joyful where you are". I have been madly pushing that aside and wallowing in my self pity tonight. Wondering what in the world is wrong with me. Why do I try so hard to be friends with people, do I try too hard? Why am I single? Why do I live in Chicago? All of these questions are ok to have, but I can't let them get the best of me. Just yesterday I was telling my friend how I know God has me where I'm at for a reason. I don't see it all, but I know it is true. Even in the last 2 days I received random messages from people we've been witnessing to for a few years now. Through the brief interaction with them, the vision to pour into their lives more revisited my mind. I long for the day when I can move out to the neighborhood and have young people in my home constantly. The vision of seeing these people come to Christ. May that be my focus and be constantly reminded that God can and is using me now in their lives to plant seeds only He can water and bear the fruit. My heart is heavy for them. I want to see these three brothers come to Christ, their whole family and then all the friends they bring to the gym on Tuesdays. I want to see these girls who are incredibly smart and fun sold out for Jesus. I want to see every night of the week consumed with learning from the Word of God. The saints gathering together because Sunday just isn't enough time to learn all that we crave to know from God. I just have to remember that verse I have on the side of my blog ------> Habakkuk 2:3 Trust in the Lord's timing. ITs perfect, I am not. My plans fail. Constantly. The only Hope and actual Constant One I have is Christ. May He shine through my twenties too.

Stuck?

There are times this past week where I have felt extremely stuck in this city and in this place in life. I have loved living here so much. I love the people and I have recently really gotten plugged into my church which I just love. But my family is suffering. My dear mom is so sick and my brother broke his collar bone this past week. The other brother leaves for the Navy next week and my pastor dad is overwhelmed with his growing church full of hurting people. My mom texts me every day and says she wishes I was there to take care of her. I haven't been this homesick since my freshman year of college. It might be a mixture of all that's going on with my family and just feeling so confused about life right now. I feel so stuck. This job is crazy. What was I thinking? The only times during the year I actually do see my family are for Thanksgiving & Christmas, which of course are the busiest times for pies. I am so scared to ask about the holidays at work because I am sure any requested days off will be denied because of the busy season. Everyone at work is from close by. I cannot help but be sad that this could be the first Christmas I am not with my dear family. Christmas is suppose to be happy, and I honestly am not excited about this Christmas or have any happiness associated with it in my thinking. All that happens is deep sadness accompanied by tears. I know my church family would welcome me and I would have a million invites to celebrate with various families from church, but even then it would not be the same and I know I would have a hard time all day just trying to be happy for everyone. I would feel like I'm invading their family time too. I know this is part of growing up but it is just hard and been on my mind all week. We shall see what the next few months bring. Who knows, maybe they will fire me and I will have to find a new job! haha only God knows and that's all that really matters, His plan is way better than my mixed sad thoughts of what I do know. Even if I'm stuck I hope to be faithful to Him and to one day look back on this time with only praise for my King.

Its been a while!

So I haven't blogged in a long time. I actually just read the last post and am blown away at how God HAS worked and shown up and I guess I hadn't recognized it! Praise HIM! I do not work at that job anymore, and I actually miss it sometimes! I now work at a bakery, which is something I have always dreamed of, but never though possible! I still have a hard time believing it is my job. But its not all pie & cake (lol) it is probably one of the most difficult jobs I've had. Definitely the most challenging to my faith since graduating from college. I am so thankful for it, but it is hard. I don't really want to blog about that though... The past few weeks since starting this new job, which is conveniently located across the street from my church and smack dab in the middle of the neighborhood God's had me in for ministry the last 3 almost 4 years, I have been meeting/building relationships with people from my church. I started going there back in October, but not until recently had I actually been getting to know people beyond seeing them on Sunday mornings. As these relationships have begun and I have been seeking to be involved more with where I am gifted and there are needs, I am realizing that this is such a healing place for me to be. This church has so many loving people and people who desire to serve the Lord! The pastors are not the only ones who do things in the church. The elders actually run things, there are church people who take care of stuff and they pay one of my friends to clean the building! Another one of my friends is the youth director. I didn't realize until recently that I still have so much hurt from my growing up years as the pastor's daughter in a church where we did everything. I am so thankful to be a part of a functioning body, no it is by no means perfect, but I feel like it is healthy/flourishing. So thankful for these people and how accepting & loving they are. I am excited to serve with them and continue to build relationships with them as we shine the Light of Jesus to our neighborhood & strive towards Jesus together. Praise His Name!