Oh community!

How this week has been an encouragement!
This week my two worlds of Avant and Moody collided and I LOVED every moment of it.

I am completely exhausted and I feel so blessed, encouraged, and stretched spiritually. All in the good way. That is when I'm reminded that all of those things mean that I was in a community again for a few days...oh how I miss that! Sure I have people all around me as I commute to work and all that jazz every day, but it is one thing to be surrounded by tons of people on the bus and then run around the yard with two little boys, but it is a whole other thing to be in a place where in every interaction with people one is genuinely asked how they are doing and expect an update on his or her life. That is draining, but in a good way. That is when the encouragement and spiritual stretching comes.

I spent significant amounts of time with people this week who are sensitive to feelings, caring, and loving. Significant time with people who just want to serve God and strive to be closer to Him daily.

Last night I think I cried off more of my mascara than I usually wash off. It was melt down time. I realized that I am still hurt from things in the past. I don't know why I thought the pain would 'just be gone', but it is still there and will take some time to heal.

I don't know what I would do without my friends who cry with me and simpathyze in my weakness and struggles. I appreciate so much the fact that they would take time so unselfishly to sit and listen, let me cry, and speak truth to me. Oh how comforting it is to hear a good friend assure me he knows what I am dealing with, and he is not being shallow about it, because I know enough of his story too, he really does understand. I just needed that, to be understood. I'm thankful for that.

These people I spent time with this week are such blessings from the Lord and I am so thankful that God has allowed our paths to cross at this point in all our lives. Oh how I hope that I can be less of myself and more of Christ to those I interact with daily. May I be willing to love.

dropping......

I don't know what to think about this but all I know is that a few months ago I was definitely a few pounds heavier. Maybe I shouldn't be blogging about this, but I think I need to outlet on a 'touchy' topic.

Today I watched the scale drop to the lowest I've seen in the last few years. I don't know how this has happened. Sure, I don't eat as much or as often, as when I was a student, but why have I been dropping on average a pound a week for the past few weeks?

Is it the stress of the job or is it my brisk walk to work and back 5 days a week? Is it keeping up with two little boys and sometimes sacrificing actually eating a meal to satisfy their needs? I was a little concerned and then realized how stressed I am about my work situation. I think it is stress. I try to eat, I really do, I pig out on potatoes and bacon on the weekends. I eat things that are not really that great for me, and then when I do eat at work I eat well balanced meals.

Oh well, I don't know, I guess I was just a little shocked to see those numbers today on the scale.

Mom & Trust

So today I have spent many hours by myself. Which is fine, just lots of time to think. I watched a movie this morning and then all I have been able to think about for the rest of the day has been about one day being a mom. And although that is very scary, it is also very appealing. I think it sounds like such a privilege to be allowed to carry life into this world and grow them up into followers of Christ. I want to be a theology mom. I want my children to begin learning how to do theology from day one. I want them to think of others and love like Jesus. I want to have little boys and girls to hug close and teach the practical things of life. I want to be the busy mom who has to take the kids here and there, organize birthdays, wipe tears, sooth during sickness, and play in the mud. I want to have to fold laundry, clean and decorate a house.

I think of all these things and then remember that a man is kinda needed for this all to take place. And as much as I want there to be a man, I am so scared.

As I examined myself today, my trust in men is so so so low. I don't really trust them to be more than friends any more. That is so sad. I don't know, I guess it will be an act of God if I do actually get to be a wife and a mom one day. All I can imagine is that possibly I could marry a good friend...then a lot of trust would already be there. But is that possible?

Oh God, take these fears and all these things I want. I may never get any of the things I wrote about here, and if that is for Your glory, may it be so. I ask though that if it is Your will please may I have these things? Draw me close to You, help me to never lose sight of You. Let me watch as You guide me through this life You have given me.

Crazy

I went to babysit right after work again tonight and when my friend Adam picked me up and we were stuck in traffic on the way to his house, we had a long time to catch up on life.

He eventually asked about the boyfriend...to which I think he was a little regretful in asking...however, he said something that I really needed to hear. He said something along the lines of, "allow God to bring that man into your life who will be crazy about you".

And as I've thought about that more the last few hours tonight I really do want that. Sure the heart break into a million bazillion pieces stinks, but if that is what has to happen before the person comes along who is so crazy about me, I guess that is just what will have to happen.

I praise the Lord I have never had a jerk face boyfriend, all of the guys who have called my dad to pursue a dating relationship with me have been wonderful, Godly men of character that to this day I admire each of them and hope the best for them in whatever the Lord brings their way.

There are still those times of heartache and heartbreak that have hurt so deep and still cause some pain from time to time, but how big God is compared to that pain. And to think He took all that pain, He carries those burdens. He looks at me with love. He is Crazy about me.

What to Do, What to Do!

Last night I had some quality time with a friend/brother/older-man-godly-influence person in my life. He has been there for me through some rough stuff and some incredibly amazing stuff. We were catching up over what else, FOOD, and I began my long discourse on where I'm at in life.

Basically the summary is that I have about 4 options to choose from at this point to move forward with and start doing more ministry in an area I actually like. The hard part is knowing what to choose. My dear friend said to me, "well, at some point you are just going to have to decide and move forward in faith knowing that the Lord will bless whatever decision is made." I looked at him, laughed and said, "Yes, and boy, this sounds so familiar, you've told me this before." But I know he is so right. All of these options are good. None of them would be considered if they were bad! haha

He has also asked me a few times what I love to do. Which I have been trying to figure out for the past few months. But I know that I love to cook, talk with people, be a part of community, and just do life with people.

After we were talking for a bit, some other friends joined, then another job opportunity was presented to me in an area I have worked before and absolutely LOVE. It is hard for me to not consider it as another option too! All of the people I was talking with last night think I would do so good at this job, I just wow, don't know what to think! I would LOVE LOVE LOVE more than anything to go back to the same place as my favorite job I have ever had, but wow, is that really an option??

I guess today is going to be full of prayer and bringing this specifically before the throne. Lord please direct my life. I give it into Your hands. You know my desires and where my heart is, take all these things and show me where and what to do. I follow You.

OT

The past few weeks I've been reading about women who were in Jesus' line. I feel like parts of the Old Testament have just come alive in a whole new way. I love reading about these women and trying to get a grasp on what life was like for them so so long ago. And to think that I know how their stories end! They didn't know what was going to happen to them and many of them had terrible terrible terrible situations to deal with. I am just reminded of God's redemption, as well as His love and grace. His desire to bring His Son into this world in the most 'unlikely-to-man' sort of ways, even using some special, forgotten, shameful, FOREIGN women who exercised incredible faith.

Yesterday I finished reading about Rahab, and I could not even shift my focus today and start reading about Ruth, even though we started a study on Ruth at church last week, but my mind was still back with the Israelites who had just entered the promised land back in the book of Joshua. I then opened up my Bible and read the next few chapters following Rahab's rescue and was astounded at the power of God, people's rebellion, or just plain stupidity that is so human and so normal and I can so relate to.

I seriously feel like the Bible has come to life in a whole new way. I don't know if it is because of my trip to Israel, or if it is the Holy Spirit, maybe a good good combination of both. All I know is that tonight I go to bed knowing that my God is the same God that made those walls of Jericho crumble to the ground, the same God who had His people walk across two bodies of water on DRY land. He is truly the same yesterday, today and forever, and that is a promise to cling to.

Food

Ok, so I realize I decided to blog at 12:37 AM......... after 13.5 hours of babysitting........... so I guess take this post with a grain of salt??

I love food.

This seriously hit me time and time again today. (well, I think about how much I love it often actually...)

But today I just really really love food. I think I am passionate about food for many reasons, but the biggest is because it is the most fun to enjoy food with other people. It is something that everyone can drop their lives and enjoy eating together and just bring all the differences 'to the table' for a fine blend of personality, flavor, and of course relationships. I love table time.

I catch myself thinking about food and almost feeling guilty about it and thinking, OH goodness, I can't have this as an idol or love it more than God, or be too prideful about my cooking. Then I have the reoccurring thoughts like I did today: remember how much I loved to cook and bake and mix and season when I was little? That little girl who got up every morning on the farm to make breakfast for the family and then in the afternoons whip up a mean mud pie is the same me. I really believe that every human has the need to express themselves through some sort of creative means/outlet, and for me this is done in the kitchen. That is the person God has made me to be. The challenge then is to not let what He has given me take over and control me, but to continually used the things He has given me as strengths to bring more and more and more glory to His name.

It is to His name and honor forever and ever. It is because of Him that I love to cook and bake and hopefully will never grow tired of it. I can only hope for more opportunities to share the love of Jesus through sharing the love of food and good company.