Thursday I said good-bye to my last friend who shared the current stage of life in this city.
Friday I hid with memories and people of dishcrew.
Saturday I cried for a few hours as it hit me: my dear friend really did get on that plane, she really did go to India for the next 4 months, and no, I did not go.
I so desperately wanted to sit and talk with someone, or again, hide by spending time with other friends, but everyone was busy. The facts are, the people around me are consumed in different things than I am at this point of life. I know many married people, many single people, but either of these groups defined by relationship status have a secondary identifier: school or ministry or both, and now most of them if married, families too.
I don't have a church anymore, and I am just at the end of one ministry and have my foot in the door of another.
Not sure what to do.
As I sat with the hot tears streaming down my face Saturday, I found myself yet again clinging to the only Hope left, the Only One who is always there and never fails.
My faith in question, I have to cling to Him. He will guide. I am reminded of the countless people who have gone on before me, they risked it all. They gave up all they knew and all for the sake of the Gospel.
What am I doing for the Gospel to be heard?
Today as I walked down the busy streets of Chicago, in the early, dark morning, and again this bright, sunny afternoon, the unsettling stirring inside me saying how I don't like the city was clear for the first time in almost 5 years. Was it just something today or is this the time that God is moving me on? I have no clue. I have to keep reminding myself that right now I don't have to have it all figured out. I have to trust day by day that my God will take care of me.
I have to remember those times in the past that He's been faithful and how I look back at the obvious intervention of my Mighty God. He's not done, why should I doubt?
Do I have fear? Well of course! Do I want to know now? Well yes!
But tonight I will sleep, knowing that if I'm given tomorrow, I'll go to what I know and live for Him regardless, trusting that He will guide me.
It's funny how so many others i know feel like their in the same place and how commonly we all find ourselves coming to the same evaluations of our "community" here. I think this says more about us as a people than the specific situation. Thank you for sharing....
ReplyDeleteps...i have a new survey idea. wanna know what you think.