Different Is Beautiful

Today's little lesson to learn on the bus was when these sisters got on the bus. I see these ladies on my route often, and I am always amazed at them. I also really miss my sisters when I see these two.

Today was particularly attention grabbing for me though. They got on like normal, except this time of day normally just one gets on, anyhow, they both got on and they were in deep conversation. So deeply engrossed in conversation with each other that they did not realize the lady across from them staring at them the WHOLE time. I got to watch her notice these two and how she was just amazed at how much they look alike. At one point, I thought the lady was going to ask them if they are twins (which I always wonder because, really, they look so much alike).

That's when I began to realize that the reason we are so awestruck at twins is because it is not 'normal' to look like someone else. Everyone is different, even these two sisters are different, maybe not so much in their physical appearance, but seriously, they are not the SAME person. That is so beautiful and wonderful that our God, the Creator of all has designed each of us to be who we are and even those who may share similar features are not the same. Wow that is just amazing to me.

I always look forward to seeing these two sisters on the bus route, they seem to really enjoy life together. How fun it would be to live and commute to work with my sisters :)

Laughter

Laughter is so beautiful. My roommate gave a passionate spill on laughter last night which opened my eyes to looking at it with a different perspective. Laughter is so genuine. It is something God uses to bind people together. It opens up one person to another (or a group). It is so beautiful.

Tonight I found myself laughing to myself out loud as I thought over a situation that happened tonight. Oh dear. I love those moments that I find myself actually laughing out loud and no one else is there. Ha ha... it is really great. But really, laughing with people is even BETTER!

We began studying the Book of Ruth at church tonight. I had forgotten for some reason that Ruth's name means friendship. We were challenged to think of what friendship means and to think of times we've not had friends. I thought of my friends. These wonderful people God has placed in my life. I love them. I hope I am a good friend. I know that my true, deep friends are those who I have been there through some really rough stuff and we have shared the craziest, most fun times too. I think the hard stuff makes us better friends. I thank God for those people who have been there through the tears and the belly-aching laughter!!

What I Dream Of

I sit here this quiet Saturday with the crisp fall air blowing through the window and the soft sun light peaking around the curtains with the whooshing sound of traffic on the expressway just behind the house across the street. My favorites on youtube are playing and all I can think of is how wonderful it is to sit here and just rest with my Savior.

Then my mind ran away. This is what I dream of, maybe I'm already on this path?

I dream of working some place where I am able to save up money to travel all over the world to visit my missionary friends and encourage them.

I dream of a little shop where I can bake and cook and spread the love of Jesus to all who enter.

I dream of a home to decorate and set up.

I dream of a man and children who fill the house with abundant joy.

I dream of doing the things I love and was created to do for the glory and honor of my Maker.

Oh Yeah!

So it just hit me: IT'S THE WEEKEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't know if I have ever been so excited for the WEEKEND than now!!

AND to top it off, I'm going to BRAZIL!!!! For Thanksgiving and for my friend Nate's wedding.... so amazing!!

I think my agenda for this amazing weekend is to cook, bake, clean, sew, craft, drink coffee and tea. Sounds like a GOOD weekend to me :)

A New Week, A New Challenge

So this week has been pretty good so far.

I guess besides falling down the stairs on Monday and having a head/chest cold, it really has been pretty good... or at least better than last week. I think that attitude adjustment stuff really worked (no, it's not a drug, just some determination!).

Then I read my email last night. Some big news hit me hard. I feel like my life is in shambles again. Confused all over again. Not sure what to do. I guess this is this week's challenge. I really honestly don't know what to do. I don't know who to talk to, I don't even know really who to contact about what! This has changed a lot of things. All I know is that when I read that email last night I had a strange, sad, sickening feeling. Sure, I don't know details, but still, what do I do when my world turns upside down a million times?? Is this the 'real' world everyone always talks about? I guess people don't always get along, even in the Christian circle, I know that, why does this seem to hit so hard and rock me even more? Maybe because I feel like someone who was a fighter for me is no longer in the position to do so. What happens now? Seriously, I don't know what to do. Thanks.

I guess God knew this would all happen too. This must have His fingerprints on it too. All I can continue to hope and cling to is that my God has me securely in His hand and He will never let me down. HE will continue to guide me. I must just take each day at a time and live my fullest for Him. I must follow in His way and listen and obey.

This Day

So I feel like I mostly blog about the little things in my day that come up, or make me smile.

Or make me frustrated or confused.

Here's a little of both I guess.

I smiled as I walked behind the two high school girls dressed in camo this morning and our feet crunched the recently fallen leaves.

I smiled at the multiple people with mis-matched outfits on the CTA... some how it is ok to wear two different stripe patterns and colors??

I smiled at the rice concoction I whipped up for Matty for lunch... and that he could not stop eating it.

I smiled as Matty laughed uncontrollably during lunch, for really no good reason, but that he wanted to laugh!

I smiled at the UPS man who came to the door while I was in the bathroom and both boys had been sleeping for a while. As I opened the door, he pointed out a rather large grasshopper, which of course did not make me flinch, but I smiled inside because I know I'm not jumpy about bugs, but he was convinced I would be freaked out.

I smiled as Micah told me he sometimes has bad dreams as he snarfed down a chocolate chip cookie after his nap. He also told me he had a dog named Kelsey once, which he tells me every time I talk about my friend Kelsey.

I smiled as the boys rocked out to their worship DVD.

I smiled as I got off of work a half hour early, and the cute guy came to the bus stop while I was waiting.

I smiled as I walked up to Moody to meet up with Kelsey & Alan.

I smiled as I got my free vanilla late from Joe's... for my dinner.

I smiled when I walked home right after the rain, with a spring in my step (maybe from the coffee??)

I smiled when I heard my friend Joel is a dad :) and when my roommate has wrote me 2 times in the last 2 days and she is so far away.

On the other side:

I think the thing that bothered me the most today was the two junior high girls on the bus who were talking about another girl sitting across from them. This girl's mom was sitting next to the two girls. I was seriously about to say something to them because I could not take it. Thankfully, the knowing mother spoke up, because I know I would not have said anything nice. She just asked the girls what grade they are in. That calmed the chatter and whispers. As I thought more about it, I realized the mother's response was so right. We are not to lash out at those who hurt us, we are to 'heap coals on their heads', that is exactly what that mother did. She did not yell at the girls to shut up or to pick on someone their own size. She just spoke to them in kindness.

This was so powerful to witness. I came away from that with a little reality check: do I do the same thing those girls do? Talk about people? Why? And then, what do I do when I see something wrong? Do I step in with negative defense or positive defense?? I know what I WANT to respond to, but I think the human side is much more naturally my response.

Something is Missing

I have this strong desire and longing to be a wife and a mom. I have always wanted this, but I feel like this desire has increased so much in the last few months. I know it is not only because of being with children 40+ hours a week, or the fact that most of my friends are married and are starting to have kids, but I know that part of it is because of the stage of life I'm in. I'm at the point in life that people start families.

But something is missing. I can't just wake up tomorrow and be a wife & mom. Something essential is missing.

A man.

But really, not just any man. That man. The one who exists somewhere, or so I hope.

I hope my desire to be a wife and mom is not just selfish, I want to think that I want to do life with a man and be his helper. And serve God at a greater capacity because of joining life with another person.

Maybe one day. For now, I'll just have to be "Aunt Rebecca" or "Auntie Reb" or "Aunt Bek" to all the little ones coming into this world because of my wonderful friends who are a little further down the road of 'starting a family'. I can be thankful for that and enjoy it.

I'll just wait. Maybe the day will come where I too will have a little one and that big, strong man to look after and care for and share life with.

Lord, be with him now, wherever he is.

Phone Call

My phone rang earlier tonight, a little baffled, I looked, thinking it was a text, no, it said "mom calling". I picked it up and said "hi mom", but was a little worried because I could not think of why she would be calling me and then began running my mind over the possibilities of bad things that could have happened that she would be calling about. And then I heard, "its not mom". That deep voice could only be my baby brother. Oh dear.

Pete called to tell me something, and after about 10 minutes of his laughter, jokes, translating what dad was saying in the background, I finally pulled it out of him.

He called to tell me that he was selected to be an attendant for homecoming at his high school. He said that dad has called him King Peter since he found out. Pete said that he didn't even tell dad right away and now dad has just run away with this. They were all just laughing and having so much fun. Really, I was so happy to hear them!

Pete then went on to explain what all the dress up days are for this coming week for Homecoming. I asked him if he & Sam are dressing up, he didn't sound too thrilled about it. I tried to convince him that he is only in high school now, he can't go back, he needs to live it up and have some fun now! Make some memories and come up with some stories to tell his children one day.

I hope he dresses up. I hope dad takes pictures.

Let's just say I'm one proud sister. Those boys are amazing. I seriously love them so much. I can't believe they're in high school and not tottering around in diapers with squirt guns and running to their 'boys only' fort in the back yard. When did they get so big and change so much?

I hope they follow hard after God. I hope that they always have a character about them that draws people to them and to God. I hope they are a testimony of who Jesus is to all they encounter. I love those boys!

Chocolat

I just watched this movie for the first time tonight and I am totally inspired to enjoy every moment of life and to love others as who they are, to take them as they are and find the good in everyone. To be Christ to those who are looked passed.

My heart is so full. I cannot contain the feeling inside of me. It is not just from this movie, but also through the deep conversations I've had with close friends in the last 24 hours. I cannot explain what the Body of Christ has done for me in the past few hours. I am so encouraged and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I belong to Him and there is a future for me way beyond my imagination.

I simply want to serve my God with all that I am. I want to use the gifts He has given me to show His love to all who I encounter. I want to cook meals and open my home. I want to use food to draw people together and allow for conversations to flow and real issues to pour out onto the table. I want the hurts and pains and reality of life of those around me to be exposed because of the Love of Christ that can heal all and that can redeem all. I want to help the hurting and the broken. I want to listen and laugh. I want to serve and love. I want to bake, cook, and sew.

I don't want to be bound to some strict decree of dos and don'ts. I want to live in the freedom of Christ that I have. I want this freedom to be experienced by all. I will live for Him and obey Him. I will serve Him. I want to worship Him with the things He has made me good at. He is to be honored through the life He has given me.

Transition/Changing Times

This week has brought about something new.

Something in the air.

What I sense is that this 'waiting' season, or maybe even a part of it is coming to an end. I was hit with some clear direction on Monday. I am not at a point where I can disclose this revelation on my blog, but I know some steps that must be taken in the next few days/weeks(?). This is what I have been praying for!

Yesterday and today have been attitude adjustment days as well as very prayerful. Thursday means Micah is at school in the morning, so I anticipate more time for prayer & time in the Word, which is exciting. I will be praying for the Lord to help me and guide me in these decisions I'm faced with as there is some obvious direction even as I met with my 'pastor' and his wife tonight. They helped confirm a lot of things that I've been wrestling with for a while. They were so encouraging and helpful.

I'm excited. There is hope, I am not stuck in one place, no, no, no, God is bigger than that. He wants me to be happy, and He wants me to use my strengths and giftings to further His kingdom. Part of what I've been challenging myself with the last few months is to try to determine what I am good at and thoroughly enjoy doing. And yes, there has been a non-recorded list running through my head. I am thankful for the circumstances these last few months that have helped me realize some of these things. Some of these have been certain people in my life, my current job, trips I've taken, and what I've done on the weekends (or in my free time).

God remains faithful. Even when I'm down and discouraged, He is faithful. He will give me the strength to endure the rough stuff and continue through this 'waiting season'. HE has a plan better than I can imagine, and probably way different than I could ever think up! (yay!!)

Dirty Selfishness

I hate leaving Moody. I Hate it. I hate leaving it alone, I just hate it.

That is the constant banter that was running through my mind tonight at 9:00 when I was leaving campus after meeting up with a friend.

As I sat waiting for the bus, I began to feel sorry for myself, wondering why I could not think of some guy friend to ask to either take me home or help me out. Then I realized that all throughout this day I have done this incredibly selfish thing.

See, the thing is I LOVE to serve others. I really really love doing this. I love to make others feel loved by me doing anything that I can to help them out. I love love love to help others.

But as I thought about my day, all I did was constantly turn down help or other people's offers to serve me. I was thinking that I would be inconveniencing them if I took them up on their offers, or if I asked for help. Then it occurred to me that maybe, just maybe God gave these other people the same love and desire to serve others and I'm being so selfish to not allow them to do what they love. That is just terrible.

So I guess now I'm challenging myself to think differently. The next time I'm offered food, what am I going to do? Take it with a thankful heart? The next time I'm at Moody and headed home, will I seek out help?

I know that I need people, why do I have to be so selfish to shut them out or not take their help or offers?

Lord, even You were fed by others, even You had friends who were with you after the crowds left and the business slowed down. Even You let other people serve You. Please teach me to serve by letting others serve too. All for Your Glory, my King!

My Redeemer Lives

Today I am reminded of the simple fact that God is Just and He Redeems even the most dark and hurtful things.

I don't know or pretend to understand how God works concerning time in the human conception of it, but He is sovereign. I saw that today.

I feel like my world has been shattered and I am lost, left on the side of the road, tattered, torn, broken, bruised, abused, used, manipulated, and left to die.

But then I realize, I'm not standing there alone. NO, this One is standing by me, He looks much worse than I do, and I know who He is, I've seen Him before. He reaches out to me and says, "I look this way and endure this for YOU. Because I LOVE YOU. I will NEVER leave YOU. YOU belong to ME, I still love YOU regardless of the beating you have taken and the mistakes you have made. YOU are MINE. Trust Me, My child." And with that, all I can do is bury my head in His bloody chest and cry as I cast it all into His arms again.

As the tears still fall, He lifts my chin, and looks into my eyes, grabs my hand and says "I give you HOPE. Keep walking, but with Me this time. Don't run ahead. Keep your eyes on Me. I will not fail you. I LOVE YOU."

It hurts to walk, the pain is still there, but I am somehow able to start down the road again because of Him, because He is there, holding my hand, and I'm looking into His eyes.

Country Roads

Oh how refreshing it was to get in my grandma's car yesterday and look out and see the wide open spaces. There is no humidity here. I LOVE IT! It was so wonderful to see farms as we drove to her house. Cows grazing in the fields and tractors parked by barns. I thought over and over again yesterday, "I really am a country girl..." I just love it so much.

The majesty of the mountains struck me as Heidi & I drove to our parent's house tucked away at the foot of the Grand Mesa. Those twisty, windy roads reveal a new surprise of rocks or trees around each bend. Oh the beauty of the wildflowers that grow in abundance on the side of the highway. Really breathtaking.

I feel so loved by my Avant family this week. I am thankful for those who care for me and are my friends. You guys have encouraged me beyond explaination, and yesterday again, I was abruptly reminded of that.

I couldn't help but think about how much I love to travel yesterday as we drove those windy country roads. I just love being in transit. I love going places. But not so much sight seeing, I love to go and talk with people. SO much. So then my question that rang in my head was, "how can this love and passion be a part of what I end up doing?" IS there an option to just travel around to countless places in this world and visit with people? I would LOVE that beyond any other occupation I think.

Last random thought... as my family & I walked up to my brother's game, we walked by the BBQ dinner the FFA chapter was putting on before the game. I had to laugh to myself at the sight, the straw bales used as seats and the ply wood for tables... I almost took a picture to show my Chicago friends, but I knew that would be just ridiculous to pull out my camera for such a shot. It was quite refreshing to see those country people gathering together just like I'm used to.

I got my nachos at the game and was astounded that both of my brothers started on the varsity football team! Way to go! The team won 12-7. I am so proud of those two boys. They are incredible. The weirdest thing of all last night was realizing how much I just don't fit in at all. I sat with our 'adopted' grandparents, and little sister who is in college. I don't know where I belong, I'm not in high school, I'm not in college, I'm not a parent, I don't really know what I am. I don't really feel like an adult... am I?

My Grandmas

Today was my grandma's 77th birthday. She recently climbed one of the harder 14,000 ft mountains in Colorado. She is amazing. Her love for people and strong spirit drive her to do many many things. She is competitive, and caring. She loves to compete even to make more blankets than last year for those in need. Or knit more sweaters for the less fortunate in her city than the previous year. She never gives up. She has always told me to figure out what I want to do and just go for it, never to listen or be swayed by others. She would say to believe in myself, that I can do anything I put my mind to. She would also tell us that if we got down from the table while eating, that meant we were done and could not return for that meal.

My other grandma will be 80 at the end of the month. She is picking me up at the airport on Friday. She is a strong, strong, wise woman. She is smart and very helpful. One of the most hospitable and caring people I know. She loves to always have goodies pouring out of every little space of her kitchen... when I was a kid my dad always told me to take it easy on the sweets when we were at her house! :)

She taught me some of the fun kids songs I know, like 'Ten in the Bed'. She also was the queen of saying "Only take a little food to start, you can always come back for more." So true. I think of her often when I'm working with children, especially preschool aged children because she was a preschool teacher for a long time. Mom always told me that I take after her in my physical form, I have her teeth and her feet, as well of course, her height! While my older sister got our other grandma's features.

The thing that sticks out to me is the years these women have devoted to helping and caring for other people. They have both had sick husbands, and one has even lost her husband. They have both raised amazing children and have been blessed with many grandchildren.

I cannot help but wonder the spiritual state of the hearts of these women. It is my heart's desire and what I long for to know these women do not serve in vain, but really do serve the Lord. I pray that they really do know the truth and are not just 'good' people. I pray for boldness in sharing with them the realness of how my life has been transformed. I pray for the conversations to come with these wonderful women I respect so much, take my words Lord and let Your love flow!