The Last Few Months

Well I just realized I haven't blogged in a LONG time. Over a month. I think about it and then I just don't do it.

Honestly, a lot has happened in the last few months.

Mostly spiritually. The end of the summer the church I had been a part of stopped meeting and I began feeling the deep sadness and mourning the loss of something that had become a huge part of my life and week. I missed the weekly gathering of our tight-knit body of believers.

Then one of the men from that house church (as we affectionately called it), contacted me about coming to a Bible study that has been meeting in his home for some time. I was thrilled beyond words to start meeting with this group mostly because I have heard about what happens at this Bible study and had met a few of the core people who attend.

The first few weeks were good, I loved it yes, but it was slightly a challenge because I had to learn names, relations, and get over the fact that I was the only white person there.

This group has captured my heart. As the weeks have progressed, I found myself longing for Friday night, so ready to be with them all again. This being not only because they are such a fun group and we play Mafia after studying the Word, but because the hunger for learning and growing is so contagious. I don't know a time in my life were I have been around people so excited to know the things of God--and I went to Bible School! You would think the people there would have such contagious presence! Learning with this group has been a huge encouragement and so very refreshing.

The last few years all of the ministry I have been a part of off campus has been mainly outreach/evangelistic focused with little to no results. That can be and is discouraging to countless Christian workers.

While this Friday group is definitely outreach and evangelistic in nature, it is so much more. The people who come who are not believers are engulfed in a room for sometimes six hours with people who only show them love. Our leader's wife said once that could possibly be why they keep coming, they realize that they want to be loved like that. Its a safe place.

Due to the evangelistic turn our Fridays have taken, a few weeks ago we decided to have the core believers meet on Wednesday nights for accountability to deepen our faith and grow in the knowledge of the Word so that we can better witness and love on those who come on Fridays.

So far this too has greatly impacted my spiritual life. Again, I have never experienced anything like this. There are five girls, and five guys. We meet and separate by gender. In our tight groups of five we discuss the scripture we read in the previous week, allowing for questions and clarification on any part of the text. This is so good for the new believers in our group! And they soak it all up! We also have committed to pray for the lost people we interact with daily. These are specific people. We desire to see these people come to know Christ.

And lastly we confess sins to each other. This is hard I think for all of us because most of the group (myself included) has never done this in front of others. It is biblical and so freeing to lay our sins out there, and know that what is said in that place stays there, and is forgiven. We close in prayer and leave with a new section of scripture to read for the following week.

Because of this, I have been in the Word because I want to more than I have in five years. (And I went to BIBLE COLLEGE??!!?!?! yes.) I say this not to brag, but to say my life has been greatly affected by this group. I needed spiritual renewal/revival and God brought it just when He knew I needed it. He brought this group of people and an older couple who naturally and passionately pour into all of us.

Can I just tell you what we've read? It's so exciting and so much fun!
Homework for Bible study one week: Psalm 119 (as many times as we could!)
Week 1: Luke
Week 2: Proverbs
(currently) Week 3: Romans and Colossians(x2)

For the Wednesday group we have a healthy competition going between the guys and girls: Each week we report in on who completed the entire assigned reading, one point is given per person who completed it, two points are deducted for any one person who does not finish. The prize for the winning team is a choice of either a John MacArthur Commentary or purchasing chicks for a village in Cambodia. So far as of Wednesday night this week the girls are winning. :)

So basically I just had to share this or put it into typed out words so that I can look back and see this amazing season of life and remember what God is doing!

The Ladies

So my job is amazing. I basically grocery shop for 1000+ people daily. When I'm not working on my order, I'm putting food away on shelves and managing the student workers who are a major part of the 'stocking' process, as well as communicating with the different crews as far as their menu needs and directing people to the items we have ready to be served. My boss and I are in constant communication about who is getting what in when and where we are putting it, what gets labeled and what is the cheapest. It is definitely sometimes stressful and crazy, but it is so wonderful and I love it very much.

I am sure I've said this before, but what really makes my job is the people. My boss is incredible! I love learning from her in even just the way she conducts herself and communicates to others. She is generous in love and compassion, always has a listening ear and is wise wise wise! She is a person certain of where she stands before God, she knows without a doubt that she would not be who she is today without Him and the dramatic way He brought her to Him. She is devoted.

The students are also a huge part of why I love my job. I get to interact with all 9 different crews within Food Service. I love this part so much. Just getting to know the students and help them as we together serve Moody is just wonderful. They just have an energy and joy that is contagious and I can't seem to get enough of.

There are the cooks (the main cause of all my frustrations) and I love them all. Mostly men and one dear wonderful lady , but they are great regardless of the crazy things we encounter!

Then there are the ladies as every other full-time Food Service employee endearingly calls them. These seven ladies are probably some of the most overlooked people in Food Service and they are by far the most interesting to me. One thing that has fascinated me since I started working in Food Service back in 2007, is that these ladies communicate so well with each other, and even sometimes better with each other than with anyone else in the kitchen. This is fascinating because within the seven of them there are three rich, deep cultural backgrounds represented: Vietnamese, African American, and Hispanic--all with thick accents.

Daily I talk with the ladies and learn from their wisdom, and laugh with them about silly things that we see or hear. They share a lot with me and I love it. They even give me great advice from guys to healthy eating habits. One thing I've noticed is when I show interest in food they are making, I always end up with some, even if I don't ask...they just hand me a plate and I'm expected to eat it.

Today was just like that. Vihn walked into the storeroom (aka my office) and asked why we had bamboo on the shelf, I told her it was for a recipe a few months ago, she said she was going to use it. At lunch time all she was talking about was bamboo. She gave me a bowl, I had no idea what it would taste like, but I took it because my Vietnameese mother would have it no other way. I ate it and LOVED it.

Later I walked by the baker station and saw Josephina working on peppers... I stopped and inquired about what she was doing and she gave me a plate with instructions on how to properly heat it in the microwave. I told her I would eat it right then. And oh. my. wonderful. It was heavenly good. My Mexican momma took care of me. :)

These ladies are a joy. I care for them so much and probably more than I realize they care for me too. I am so glad that for the last 5 years my life has been impacted by godly women who come from a range of backgrounds and experience, yet we serve the same God and that is what unites us to serve Him together.

Thank You Lord.

People

Tonight I find myself alone. It is too quiet. I get so down when I'm alone.

Recently a good friend told me something that made me realize something about myself. She said I desire and long to care for a man, its as if I was just made and programed that way. I had not really thought of it that way, but I think she was right. There are many many many days that I am totally fine being single and I enjoy my freedom and independence so so so much, but there are about the same amount of days that I do long for that person to do life with. I suppose today is one of those.

I have to remind myself that there are wonderful things about the quiet, people-less nights too. I can spend time in the Word, prayer and calling loved ones. I just have to remember to not dwell on all the things that I don't have when it is so quiet and I have some 'down time' before I interact with people again. There is so much I can still do!

I just love love love people. I love the crazy busyness, excitement, joy, encouragement, real stuff *good & bad*, and all the life things that come with individuals. I love it. It fascinates me that God made each of us so different, yet there are people that identify specially with others because of certain similarities that draw them together. I love it. He is amazing that way. No one is better than anyone else and all are here for His glory, whether they see it that way or not.

Sometimes my roommate and I don't talk, but we are in the same room, I love even that. Part of our relationship that I love, we know each other well enough that we don't have to constantly entertain or avoid each other. There is a happy medium and I love it. Just to have one's presence in the room just is so wonderful to me.

Questions, no answers....yet

Back in May my roommate and sister got engaged. I thought, oh, yeah, I have plenty of time to figure out what and where I'm at by the time my roommate gets married. I should know by then if I'm staying in Chicago, getting married or even if and who I will live with after she leaves.

We talked last night and it started to hit me that she is leaving SOON. End of February to be exact. Our lease is up April, I don't know what to do.

My job commitment was for a year, that is up in December, but at this point I have no reason to tell them I'm leaving, as far as they know, I'm staying.

End of February is not a great time for having a new roommate join the apartment, but something will work out.

Do I renew the lease? Or do I find a new place and move? Again the question of roommates, or should I find a place I can afford for myself? If I do move and keep my job, I probably would have to get a car. If I get a car, I have to get insurance.

If I were to move, the most logical location would be back to the neighborhood I lived in just after graduation. I end up out there three times at least a week now. But then, if I move out there, why not just apply for full time ministry with ICI?

But my heart's tug is to go overseas. I cannot ignore this. What am I suppose to do?

Recently the church I had been attending for almost 3 years stopped meeting, and most of my close friends are no longer in the city.

Now seems like the most logical time to go, but I am at such a loss as to what and where. There are so many options and I don't feel led to any. What am I suppose to do?

Just the things that are rolling around in my head...I am scared and uncertain... I know He is faithful... I know He will lead.... I know I have to trust Him.

God, Please Give me Patience... NOW!!!!

I remember praying for patience a lot during high school at my nursing home job. By God's grace alone I worked there for 2 years. Those prayers for patience were always always always tested and answered with great opportunities to be patient!

I'd like to say that I am a relatively easy-going and gentle person. The last two weeks the monster inside of me has emerged. I must not handle stress well at all. And mostly I am frustrated with myself at how worked up I get over the littlest things.

I asked my dad recently how to deal with difficult people in the work place, and he said over and over again, patience. This coming from the man in my life I know the best and who I know has a terrible temper. Unfortunately, I take after him in not only his looks, and personality, but his temper too.

The last two weeks my boss has been on vacation, and apparently at other jobs when the boss is gone it's basically vacation time for the employees. Not the case at my job. I have been running around crazy almost 9 hours straight for the last two weeks. The thing is, I can do it, I know I can. The thing that bothers me is when other people don't do their part of the job to help the whole team. Also, in my frustration with others I get worried that my coworkers perceive me to be incapable of handling all that I am responsible for while my boss is out. I wish I was better at controlling my freak outs.

Thankfully God put some good, understanding friends in my path today who were rather encouraging and that helped immensely. I put on that positive attitude and decided that today was not going to be a terrible day, even if it started out not so great, I was determined it would end well, and it did.

Tomorrow will be no different, I will pray for patience, the tests will come. No matter what is thrown at me, I hope that when the test comes, I will pass and pass with a higher grade than today. I want to be Christlike in my work and I want to speak with grace and gentleness. I suppose those are skills that take time to learn and learning through mistakes. He will teach me, that I am certain!

Time?

Thursday I said good-bye to my last friend who shared the current stage of life in this city.

Friday I hid with memories and people of dishcrew.

Saturday I cried for a few hours as it hit me: my dear friend really did get on that plane, she really did go to India for the next 4 months, and no, I did not go.

I so desperately wanted to sit and talk with someone, or again, hide by spending time with other friends, but everyone was busy. The facts are, the people around me are consumed in different things than I am at this point of life. I know many married people, many single people, but either of these groups defined by relationship status have a secondary identifier: school or ministry or both, and now most of them if married, families too.

I don't have a church anymore, and I am just at the end of one ministry and have my foot in the door of another.

Not sure what to do.

As I sat with the hot tears streaming down my face Saturday, I found myself yet again clinging to the only Hope left, the Only One who is always there and never fails.

My faith in question, I have to cling to Him. He will guide. I am reminded of the countless people who have gone on before me, they risked it all. They gave up all they knew and all for the sake of the Gospel.

What am I doing for the Gospel to be heard?

Today as I walked down the busy streets of Chicago, in the early, dark morning, and again this bright, sunny afternoon, the unsettling stirring inside me saying how I don't like the city was clear for the first time in almost 5 years. Was it just something today or is this the time that God is moving me on? I have no clue. I have to keep reminding myself that right now I don't have to have it all figured out. I have to trust day by day that my God will take care of me.

I have to remember those times in the past that He's been faithful and how I look back at the obvious intervention of my Mighty God. He's not done, why should I doubt?

Do I have fear? Well of course! Do I want to know now? Well yes!

But tonight I will sleep, knowing that if I'm given tomorrow, I'll go to what I know and live for Him regardless, trusting that He will guide me.

Reality Checks

Most days I find my mind wandering off into some distant thought of fantasy. As soon as a thought is triggered, I run fast toward all the possibilities of that thought and anything that correlates to it.

Sometimes on occasion I have snap-backs to reality and usually am humbled and ashamed by how far I had run from what actually is true.

Recently I feel that these reality checks have been more often, which is good I guess, if I'm getting my mind more in-tune to the Spirit and His power over me, which is true, when I chose to have Christ redeem me, I chose for the Spirit to come and help me.

So then I don't know why I still default into fantasy/dreamy mode. Is it a lack of contentment or a lack of discipline of my mind? Does it reflect how much more I need my Savior and the power of His Word in my life? I think so.

Today on my walk home I was praying the words to a song, Refiner's Fire,

Purify my heart,
let me be as gold and precious silver.
Purify my heart,
let me be as gold, pure gold.

(Chorus)
Refiner's fire,
my heart's one desire
is to be…holy;
set apart for You, Lord.
I choose to be…holy;
set apart for You, my Master,
ready to do Your will.

Purify my heart,
cleanse me from within
and make me holy.
Purify my heart,
cleanse me from my sin, deep within.

I so desperately need Jesus. I need Him in all aspects of my life. My default is sin, but with the change Christ has made in me, and the Help of the Spirit, I can be grace and love.

Purify me.

Gospel

"Jessica, I need you to come out to the hall with me, we need to talk."

She gave me that familiar scowl.

We took a seat just outside the cabin door.

"Jessica, you know the rules for camp. They have been the same all week. You must stay with our group when we go somewhere. Can you tell me why you were not with us tonight?"

"This girl was talking bad about me, I had to make things right with her, I just didn't think you would let me."

"You didn't ask! Had you asked and let me know what was going on I probably would have let you talk with her. I'm all about working things out with people and living in peace with one another."

"Yes, but I know I said things I shouldn't have."

"Do you think you can go back to her and apologize for the things you said and try to make it right?"

"OH NO!! Maybe you could do that BUT I COULD NEVER DO THAT!!"

"Can I tell you why I would want to make things right?
Jessica, I mess up all the time. But think about all the lessons and all the verses you've heard this week, it all is about the same thing. We ALL do bad things! WE are ALL unclean, unpure, and filthy! The only way to get cleaned and have all that stuff washed away again is to accept that Jesus is the only One who can clean you, believe that He died for you, and confess that you are a sinner and accept His forgiveness. I made that decision and even though I still mess up, I know that when God looks at me He sees Jesus first and accepts me for who I am in Him, He has forgiven my sins past, present and future, He can and will do the same for you, if you want Him to."

"I want that! I want that!"

"All you have to do Jessica is what I just said, just say it outloud, like you're talking to Jesus, say 'Jesus, I am a sinner. I need your forgiveness. I believe that You can take away my punishment for sin, please forgive me, I want to live for You' "



This was a little paraphrase of my last night at camp this past week with Jr. High kids from the inner city of Chicago. Having this opportunity to share Christ with Jessica and many others was such a joy and excitement I have not experienced in such a long time.

The power of the Gospel is real. And yes, there are people even in the USA who have never even heard of Jesus dying on a cross, I met a girl like that at camp too.

Praise God for this new life in Christ!

Blessed

Today I ventured out for my third Cub game of the season.

This time again with co-workers, but different ones. As we stood on the ever-tightly crammed Red Line train, one of my co-workers took the time to pick the minds of these two single college graduates--me & my other co-worker.

What he asked and what he shared changed my perspective on where I am at in life right now. After we told him that we felt like we had disappointed ourselves because we are done with school and not married, he told us how he doesn't even know what that is like. His life has been a constant knowing what is next or being committed to taking care of people. He never had a chance to live on his own or live with a roommate outside of college & marriage. He never had the freedom to travel to wherever for however long--by himself. He doesn't know what my life is like.

I have always appreciated this particular friend of mine because he does bring interesting perspective to virtually every conversation. He has checked me many times and challenged me to re-think whatever I just spout out in the moment. Sadly he will be leaving the job and atmosphere he has known since he started college 11 years ago. I know I will miss him and his brotherly input in my life because I don't know my job without him there.

Anyways, the point of this post is that I really am blessed, not in a way that I am better than all my married friends, no not at all. I am blessed because this is where God wants me now. Wallowing in what the flip-side would be or what I do not have is not right. Sure I have my discouraging days and struggle often with loneliness, but all in all, I know I am loved. I am surrounded by people who are all about encouraging me and making sure they love me. My Father God is watching over me, He cares for me and He knows the deepest desires of my heart. He made me this way. He will continue what He put in place.

Teens

Tonight I watched two movies, back to back about teens seeking to be accepted by either an abusive boyfriend or sex. The second movie was saturated with teens having sex, so much that the entire high school in the movie was basically infested with syphilis.

The interesting thing is that watching these movies reminded me of high school and all my friends and everything that people would talk about Monday after the 'best weekend yet'.

What facinated me in these movies was the parents. They so desperately want to sheild ehtier children from the sex-saturated world we live in, and give them a proper/less skewed view on sex, but their curious children were caving under the pressure around them by friends or even just the culture itself.

It terrified me to watch and wonder what I would say to my own teenager. I have no idea. Whatever my parents told me must have helped, but is it true that some things like that skip generations? Like since my dad was a partier, and I was not, will my children be?

Maybe the answer lies in training them from a young age the values of waiting and saving sex for the confines of marriage and to not cave even though peer pressure is rough.

I guess I don't want my children to be majorly sheltered, but I do want them to know right from wrong and choose to follow Christ and live lives that honor Him in every decision they make.

It must be really hard and faith stretching to be a parent.

Impatience

Screaming over and over, the same words, the same tone, and the same voice.

It went on all night long. Too faint to make out what was said, but the terror was clear. It wasn't a tantrum of a child, or a couple fondly in love, no it sounded as if someone was in trouble and in pain, or even remembering a past event of a very painful situation.

It woke me up several times. Fear swept over me and it took me a good half hour each time to fall back asleep.

All of this has hastened my prayers for a life partner. I do not enjoy being all alone without any physical presence of protection.

And then today, graduation, I thought I would sit with people from my church, and then they weren't coming. So I started thinking of people I could sit with (yet again frustrated that I didn't have someone to sit with and all my good girl friends were either graduating, or not coming). I texted 3 guys, all of which were extremely unhelpful in allowing me to join them. I decided I would just look around and find someone, and sure enough, there was one of my good married friends sitting with his parents and in-laws watching his wife graduate, and I got to sit with them! Which I am so thankful for.

I just am impatient and am really tired of doing life solo...even though I do rather enjoy it, there are times that I long for someone to share it with, even just their presence would be nice.

God, you know my heart, please comfort me in all my needs and help me to walk each day according to what Your will is for me, and help me to see that Your plan is perfect as is Your timing. Help me to trust you with all my doubts and fears!

What...?

Just about everyday I get asked these two questions:

What will you even do this summer? (Will there be work for you?)

-and/or-

How long will you be working at Moody?

My response to the first question is usually a nicer form of saying, "Well, I wasn't planning on being homeless and hungry this summer."

My response to the next question is usually, "I have no idea. I love my job. I want to be a wife. I want to be a missionary. I guess I'm just waiting on God to see what He has for me next, for now I'm serving Him here."

I'm sure those who inquire mean well, I just get a little frustrated because it appears my answers (specifically for the second question) are not good enough.

As of lately I think about 'the world outside Moody' and where God may take me.

Last night my roommate asked if I've ever thought of culinary school. I have, but not in too much depth because of the cost. And well, we all know, I really don't like going to school and sitting in a class room, but just to be optimistic, maybe culinary school isn't a learning experience I've ever had. I asked a friend today about his experience at culinary school, and any suggestions he had for me about the possibility, he encouraged me to check out getting a certificate as a pastry chef. I would love that.

Another thing I toss around every few weeks is being an RA or cook at Black Forest Academy (BFA, an international school) in Germany. Again today a friend asked what I'm doing after Moody, and I told him about how I have been accepted to BFA, but that was back when I first took my job at Moody and committed to a year with them. So I guess it is still a consideration in my mind.

So I guess these things are what play in my mind every once in a while when I see December coming in a few months (lol), meaning that my 'one year' at Moody will be up... do I go, do I stay? Only God will show the way and that will only be through waiting and passing of time! For now I serve Him in the mindset of Philippians 2:14-15
Do all things without grumbling or disputing;so that you will prove yourselves to be blameless and innocent, children of God above reproach in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you appear as lights in the world,

Spring Spring!

Oh Sun Please Shine! I think tomorrow I may go for a walk outside in the radiance of the rays, so sun, please shine!

Capture

My heart is so full
and I want you to know
how beautiful you are
how much you are cared for

Please hear as He calls you
come to Him
He wants you
Come as you are

Turn from the glistening things of this place
Join the family
He wants you, come to Him
He is waiting for you

Is there anyway you will turn
and truly see the light?
Can I say anything more?
I want you to know how beautiful you are

I want you to know He loves you
more than anyone in this world
Seek Him
He will not fail

His love is perfect
His love is strong
His love changes
His love is real

Challenge

As defined by the dictionary:
Challenge
–noun
1.
a call or summons to engage in any contest, as of skill, strength, etc.
2.
something that by its nature or character serves as a call to battle, contest, special effort, etc.: Space exploration offers a challenge to humankind.
3.
a call to fight, as a battle, a duel, etc.
4.
a demand to explain, justify, etc.: a challenge to the treasurer to itemize expenditures.
5.
difficulty in a job or undertaking that is stimulating to one engaged in it.
6.
Military . the demand of a sentry for identification or a countersign.

I have found myself using this word multiple times a day and in various conversations in the last few days. I notice that recently I have been challenged to be more intentional and even that is challenging. I am learning that to be challenged is not a bad thing, it is good. I feel that sometimes when it seems I've been challenged it is by the Holy Spirit; He is stretching me to go out of my comfort and do something more than I am now.

This weekend away at camp with the kids of the city was a challenge. Not only in the sense that I was one of two people out of a group of 35 that was white, but also just culturally, I was way out of my so called element.

But again, even with this challenge, I was reminded the importance of flexibility in ministry and life. Challenges are not to be avoided or even to run from, but are to be taken (usually) face on and with confidence. There were moments on this camping trip that I was incredibly uncomfortable and knew that the kids thought I was crazy, but all I could do was respond in love and confidence that I have in Him.

Even just talking with Clive for a few hours there and back was a reminder to me of the recent challenges the Spirit has been revealing in my life. I am encouraged through conversation with Clive, Carlos, Gerald & Confessor that inner city ministry is rough and challenging, but not meaningless.

To end this post I just want to share what Carlos told our kids last night during our Bible time, we talked about church and 'challenged' them to start meeting and studying the Bible with us. Carlos presented the church to us with the focus on a family aspect rather than the building, title or location. With this mindset of church and knowing the backgrounds of the kids present he said this:
"Come to God, He changes the DNA. You don't have to get right before getting to God, come to Him and He'll change you. God wants to adopt you into His family."

If you read this and follow Christ, please pray for those who heard this and know what we are all about, pray that their hearts would soften and desire to go deeper.

If you read this and do not know Him, read that again, I challenge you to come to Him, despite all that is going on in your life and your past, Come to God, He CHANGES DNA! He makes you HIS OWN!

Confidence

The voices I hear tell me I'm nothing, tell me that those girls have power over me and that I am weak.

These voices lie.

I am told to resist the voice of the devil, he has NO power over me. The POWER of Christ IN me is all I need. Who I really am is all because of Jesus and the power of what He did for me. My complete identity is in Him. Why would I loose my thoughts in the lies of the deceiver when the truth is so evident and powerful?

I will continue to resist those voices that whisper in the quiet, crevices of my mind, I will tell them they lie. I will tell them the truth, I will tell them that because of Christ, all these things I fear He knows and holds dear, He will not forsake me, He will forever take care of me, He goes before me, behind me, and all around me. He walks before me, preparing the way and He allows all things to work together for my good, because He loves me.

So I will walk ahead, though this fearful place, through the voices around me saying I won't make it, and into the unknown, but only because I know that the peace of laying all my cares at His feet is real, saving and sweet, I know I will not be harmed, even in the darkest valley, He will forever and ever be at my side. My confidence is in Him alone.

Comfort and Christ

Who doesn't like to be comfortable?

My friends tease me all the time about how I just relax in my jeans and shirt or whatever outfit I've had on all day. Apparently that's not 'comfortable' in their minds. I'm fine with that, but really my point is not the difference of my friends & I with our relaxation clothing; instead I want to talk about how we all want comfort at some level.

Recently I have been challenged by the Spirit that I am comfortable. My life is surrounded by the comfort of believers. I live and work with people who are following after Christ and living for Him.

Ok, piece of cake, no big deal, whatever you may be thinking. I know I think that over and over again too. Sure I see people regularly and briefly interface with individuals in my building, however I have not branched out and shown the Love of Christ to them, I have not made the effort to be different than the rest of the walled-world around us. I guess I find that even just saying hi or making the effort to put others first in those brief interactions is not 'comfortable' for me and instead of doing what Christ would do, I avoid it altogether and conform to the rest of the world around me.

A few weeks ago, one of the leaders of my church asked me if I have gotten to know people in my building, I shamefully said no. I actually hadn't even thought of it.

Last night I came home from a wonderful Christ-centered wedding. Upon entering my building, checking my mail and casually greeting the door man, I attempted to go to my apartment--like normal, right? Then he stopped me. The door man, the one person I have met and interfaced with the most intentionality (mostly because he is extremely good looking and ALWAYS greets me by first name), he stopped me. He asked me where I am from because he had noticed my Carhart coat and knew I wasn't a Chicago girl. We then talked for about 10 minutes and eventually conversation came to Christianity and church. The conversation flowed so smoothly and I was nervous just because of that! I did not want to hide who the person of Christ is to me, but this was not comfortable either!

My friend came down into the lobby as we were talking, so our conversation ended, but as I went back to my apartment, I was more challenged in this area the Spirit has been working on me. My friend and I spoke for a long while about our fear in sharing the Gospel because of our own lack of faith or distrust of God. The conclusion we came to is that our lives should be examples of Christ. That is truly what I want, to be radiating Christ through my daily life and every interaction with anyone. I want it to be obvious that I follow Him, but not annoyingly so, I want it to be pure, real love of Christ. That come as you are type of love that is warm and welcoming, not condemning and in your face a turn off.

I hope that there are more conversations to come with this door man. I am challenged more now to be intentional with him as well as speak up in a loving way to others I see regularly in order to shine the love of Jesus.

Comfort, is not something high on the list of following Christ. I don't think we need to trash it all together, because honestly, sometimes in cultural situations that would not be appropriate at all, but there does need to be a sense in our personal lives that we are being stretched and challenged to not be so comfortable that we ignore sharing the Greatest News of all, that of Jesus Christ and the freeing life He gives.

Sing Prasies

I just really want to sing to my King!
For a good portion of the day I sat at my desk working on projects that have been waiting for a long time to be touched. Because of this, my music was on for a few hours!! But I got to the point where I just really wanted to be surrounded by many other followers and just declaring praise to our God.

Maybe I feel this way because we didn't have music worship time on Sunday at church, maybe I am having withdrawals after almost a whole year since being a student at Moody and attending required chapel at least 3 times a week with singing worship at nearly every one.

Right now I just want to be lost in crazy worship before my King. I want to sing and shout His praise and declare the truth about Him at the top of my lungs. I want to stand among the others who love Him and sing it wild!

When I Grow Up

So when I was a little girl I dreamed of being a mommy. Seriously. My favorite past time with my sister Ruth was what we called "both moms". I don't remember how it all worked, but our imaginations ran wild. We would play mommies to our baby dolls, who had hand made clothes --even diapers-- from our mom. Our mom played as 'grandma' to our babies and sometimes 'grandma' would allow for these precious imagined beings to join us at the table for lunch.

That desire has to be the one that has been there the longest, to be a wife and a mom.

Sometime in my later childhood another aspiration came about during our church's missions week. I really felt God tugging at my heart to be a missionary.

For a while I thought this meant I would be a missionary doctor/nurse in Indonesia. As I began high school and realized each school year how much I disliked school, the reality of a medical future became very small and non-existent. The summer after I graduated high school and was denied to the one college I wanted to attend, I had a melt-down with my parents and told them that I did not want to go to school. All I wanted was to be a wife and mom. (However, there was not a man in the picture to speak of at all!) With the wisdom and patience of my wonderful parents, they kindly advised and directed me to continue pursuing college, if for nothing else, the experience and the importance to be 'educated' today.

The spring after that conversation with my parents I found myself all alone in a big city, at that school I wanted to attend, and pursuing a degree in International Ministry. Little did I know at that point in my life that being at this new place my life was on the way to incredible adventures. And there life lessons came that were so valuable as well as unforgettable relationships.

That was four years ago. Hard to believe that so much time has past since my parents left me here that cold January.

I guess I'd like to think that I have things more figured out now about what I am doing with my life. However, I feel even more uncertain of my future now that I am as some would say 'grown up'. I guess it could be said that there are some 'hang-ups' when I look at the dreams I have:

What I know to be true is that childhood desire to be a wife and mom is still there, although, maybe a little less fantasized.--the hang up I see here is this desire is not one I want to do alone, and there is no man in the present

I still have the pulling on my heart to see the people and places of the world, reaching the lost with the Good News.--the hang up here is I don't know at what capacity. I guess I always just pictured myself as a missionary wife, helping my husband with his work, wherever in the world that may be.

So I guess in summing it all up, these are still the things I want to do when I grow up. Not really sure what to do in the present, except for patiently wait and try to seek to know God more and more each day. Live for Him and trust in His timing. Much easier to write here than to live out.

Good Night My Someone

"Welcome home! I made you dinner!"

I long for the day when I can say that to you.

I look forward to the times we can sit together and laugh and cry.

I look forward to seeing your eyes when I stand before you in a white dress and begin a life of serving our God together.

I look forward to learning with you through the thick and the thin.

I look forward to each new day with the challenges that will come and the joy in the end.

I don't know where you are, and I know this sounds cheesy, but I plead before the throne of God for you. I don't know where you are or if we're years away from crossing paths. But I look forward to that day. Pray for me, I need patience, this waiting thing has been rough, but I wait in hope that it will all be worth it in the end, that you are definitely a gift from Above, that doing life with you will help us both bring more glory to our Father and demonstrate His love for all.

Good night my someone, wherever you are.

Failure: In Who's Eyes?

This is how I have been viewing myself the last 24 hours, the definition according to dictionary.com:
Failure
–noun
1.
an act or instance of failing or proving unsuccessful; lack of success: His effort ended in failure. the campaign was a failure.
2.
nonperformance of something due, required, or expected: a failure to do what one has promised; a failure to appear.
3.
a subnormal quantity or quality; an insufficiency: the failure of crops.
4.
deterioration or decay, especially of vigor, strength, etc.: The failure of her health made retirement necessary.


But really, in the eyes of God, I am the farthest from that.
Psalm 139

1 O LORD, You have searched me and known me.

2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
You understand my thought from afar.

3 You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.

4 Even before there is a word on my tongue,
Behold, O LORD, You know it all.

5 You have enclosed me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is too high, I cannot attain to it.

7 Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?

8 If I ascend to heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there.

9 If I take the wings of the dawn,
If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,

10 Even there Your hand will lead me,
And Your right hand will lay hold of me.

11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will overwhelm me,
And the light around me will be night,”

12 Even the darkness is not dark to You,
And the night is as bright as the day.
Darkness and light are alike to You.

13 For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother’s womb.

14 I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.

15 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;

16 Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them.

17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

18 If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand.
When I awake, I am still with You.

19 O that You would slay the wicked, O God;
Depart from me, therefore, men of bloodshed.

20 For they speak against You wickedly,
And Your enemies take Your name in vain.

21 Do I not hate those who hate You, O LORD?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?

22 I hate them with the utmost hatred;
They have become my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me and know my anxious thoughts;

24 And see if there be any hurtful way in me,
And lead me in the everlasting way.



Those are the words that are the truth and speak to my utmost inner being. Words of a more passionate and intimate love than any earthly relationship.

My goal during this current trial and struggle, is to enjoy the fullness of the presence of God. I am learning what that means. I know He is stretching me, and bringing me back to confidence in who He is and that He will take care of me.

I want to find joy unexplainable that is only rooted in Him and knowing Him more.

Teach me more about You, my Father!

Real Learning

I feel like I have been learning more in the past almost year I've been out of school than I did the 4 years I was there. New challenges have faced me almost daily that have forced me to learn how to respond or react.

New fears have developed. And I am once again reminded by those in my life that we all have insecurities. I am learning more about myself, realizing more every day how selfish I am and how much I think the world revolves around me in my thoughts, mostly when I spend so much time worrying about what people think of me, and how I probably annoy the heck out of virtually everyone I interact with. How silly though! They probably in all honesty are thinking about themselves too, and wrestling silently inside with their own insecurities. How encouraging!

Why do I feel like I have to prove myself to people?

Today in conversation with a friend, the truth that has been rolling around in my head finally was verbalized. I wrote it a few weeks ago in my journal, but today I was able to put some vocal words to it. I don't know what this means, and I don't know what the results will be. Maybe I'll blog about that in a different post sometime...

The biggest thing I'm learning as of late is that no matter if I'm single or not, I have to believe that Christ is sufficient in my life to take care of me, meet my every need, never leave me, and that He will always be enough. If at some point a man and I find our selves on this path called life together, we will both have to have that faith, faith to believe that Christ is enough, because neither of us sinful people will be sufficient or meet the expectations fully of the other.

The struggle is that I have doubts. I believe all of that to be true, I just am struggling to believe it and live it. I pray my faith would increase. Faith for each new day. Faith for the moment. Faith, simply believing God is who He says He is and trusting in that, even though I don't understand it completely.

Sara Groves

I'm in love with Sara Groves' music. I love the words to her songs and just how powerful and meaningful the messages are that ring through her voice and tickle my ears. It seriously touches my soul and warms my heart. I feel the words that she has written in these songs are messages from God to me as He holds my hand and whispers so sweetly to me, assuring me of all my fears and insecurities, just to cast it on Him, that all I am and ever hope to be is safe and secure in Him. I feel His love and presence through these songs.

From the song "Conversations":
The only thing that isn’t meaningless to me
Is Jesus Christ and the way he set me free.

And today especially this song has been playing through my head since the moment I woke up, "He's Always Been Faithful":

Morning by morning I wake up to find
the power and comfort of God's hand in mine.
Season by season I watch him amazed, in
awe of the mystery of his perfect ways

CHORUS:
All I have need of his hand will provide.
He's always been faithful to me

I can't remember a trial or a pain he did
not recycle to bring me gain. I can't
remember one single regret in serving
God only and trusting his hand

CHORUS

This is my anthem, this is my song, the
theme of the stories I've heard for so long.
God has been faithful, he will be again.
His loving compassion, it knows no end.

CHORUS

Random Thoughts

Just some things that occupy part of my mind throughout the day:

I want to collage a new journal so I can pray/vent on my lunch breaks.

Eating steak and potatoes.

Getting a pedicure.

I dream of a massage... Never had a real (professional) one, but it sure sounds amazing.

Living life in another country. Experiencing challenges of life in a culture that is not my own.

Lots of other things fill my mind throughout the day, such as wondering if that cute guy really does like me or if I even exist in his world. And being completely terrified of the thought of getting serious with a guy, but struggling because I want to! Like my friend said a few months ago, do I like the idea of a guy more than the reality of it all? That is still a challenging question for me.

So God knows the desires of my heart? I feel that I must leap out in faith whether I'm single or not, so maybe I'm coming to a place where my 'identity' is not so much on my singleness, but more so on the person of Christ and how much I must have complete faith and trust in Him. No matter what today or tomorrow brings, faith is a necessity. So is it taking faith to walk over to that cute boy and say hi, sit for a bit and chat? I have no idea, but I was so nervous and so glad I did sit for a bit!

Pleasures in life are not bad. The little pleasures we are given in this life help us have a little bite-size candy piece of how pleasurable Heaven will be and that is what I long for. TO enjoy the presence of my God forever. I cannot even imagine. I don't think we even have any idea or can begin to comprehend all that God has in store for those who will spend eternity with Him. Oh glory!

Anyhow, these are the things that have been on my mind lately.

Open and See

I miss those plains. I miss the rolling hills and the clear blue sky.

I miss the simple life.

Some reason when I return to those things I feel so far from home and that I do not belong.

Never did I think I would live in the Gold Coast of Chicago and work for a college in the Food Service Department.

No, these were not my hopes and dreams, but I can't complain, I love love love going to work each day and I love the people I work with. I can't imagine working and living anywhere else right now.

Will one day I be back in the simple country life? Or will I now forever be a city girl?

I do miss the open space where I could see for miles.

Love from Above

Smiling and joking as we put cans on the shelves.
These guys make my day. I love my job.

Sitting at lunch just eating that food. Somehow get talking about where I'm at. One of these gems looks at me and shares some bold wisdom. Such kindness and encouragement, much needed. Sort of like a slap on the behind, but not in a mean way, just out of complete kindness and brotherly love.

Dinner rolls around, find myself sitting at that same table again. Dear friend walks up, conversation comes about. He sits down, looks me in the eye, tells me in the most serious voice that to him and the rest of the guys I'm their sister in Christ and it is their responsibility to look out for me right now since my dad and brothers are far away and I'm not married or seeing anyone. I was touched beyond words.

Yesterday I spent some time in the Word, just praying what I read and asking for some reassurance of His love, and well did He ever show me today. I felt the love of my Father above today.

Oh shoot Target run. Should have found someone to go with me. Felt silly asking all those boys in the SDR if they would go with me. Finally asked one, he just nonchalantly agreed. And what a time we had.

I am just so encouraged. There are really guys in my life who aren't jerks and I do have good guy friends still. Thank You Jesus!

Abba

Abba, I want to go. I want to leave all the comforts and run to the places that need to hear about You. Abba, hold my hand, take me, lead me. I am so lost without You. Abba, every day is meaningless without You. Abba, show me where to go, teach me Your Love. Abba, what am I to do with my life? Do You give me permission to go? Will You use me? What do You have for me? Can You help me trust You more? Remove my doubt and pour and paint Your healing blood into my gaping wounds so that I can be completely healed. Oh how I need Your breath of life to fill me every moment. Abba, only You.

I want to be where You are
I want to know Who You are
So when You call my name
I'll say to You here I am
I'm listening Lord speak to me
I want to see how You see
Change my heart Lord make me holy
If there's anything in my life
That doesn't honor You tonight
I'm listening Lord speak to me
Speak to me
("Speak to Me" by David Lubben)

Weak Heart

This past summer I ventured into the ER for my first visit. My chest had been hurting for some time and I was concerned that I had a heart problem. Thankfully, I walked out of the ER with good news, no heart problem! Just 'stressed' muscles around the bones in my chest.

I'm thankful my weak heart is not physical, but today I feel that that would be easier to deal with. My weak heart is the one that lies within. The one that us young girls are told the 'guard'.

I don't know if it is just one of those days I woke up and my aching and longing to be loved by another was just greater than an average day or what, but there I sat on my breakfast break, alone and thinking about the past and the heart break that has left my weak heart in the shambles and tears it is now. And to think about how God is healing me, never forsaking me.

However, those thoughts could not stay long, no, my 20 minutes was up, my breakfast devoured. So I set about my work, distracting myself from the heart-ache that I knew was inside.

Lunch was spent with a splendid friend. We had an incredible time 'enjoying God's creation' and again, sat wondering about the place I am now.

Upon returning to my work yet again, determined to distract myself from the reality of the heart-ache, I turned the corner into my office, quickly grabbing something, as my eyes caught an unfamiliar object on my desk! Flowers. Chocolate. My heart leaped! I read the sweet note, and thanked God (audibly??!!) for my wonderful roommate who had no clue the struggle that had been my day so far. Just to be reminded that I do matter, that I am loved. That it doesn't have to come from a guy, but that I do have people in my life that care about me. I am touched. My heart is full. Really, overwhelmed. She didn't know how much I needed that.

That my friends, is the Holy Spirit. Praise Him.

Grace in All Things

This week is the busiest at my place of work for the entire year. And to top that off we got a record snowstorm/blizzard. Oh but to top that off, Tuesday my roommate & I signed a lease, and we were planning to move every night this week, and get all the big stuff on Saturday. And to top that off, I've been sick.

How appropriate is the theme to this year's Founder's Week at Moody Bible Institute that has been occupying most of my time and thoughts at my job this week, The Riches of His Grace. I have had the opportunity to hear each nightly message, either by way of the online streaming, or being in the auditorium because I was stranded on campus due to the storm, but nonetheless, these messages have been profoundly amazingly good.

I don't know if I have just been extremely hungry for God's Word, but He has spoken to me in each of these messages. And the resounding Word from Him is that His grace is powerful and perfect. I can and do experience His grace.

I have seen His grace more at work in my life this week than I have thought to take notice of in a while.

The simple things you know, like the kind person who left two little pieces of chocolate on my desk yesterday, only God knew how much that meant to me and brightened the crazy business and stress that I was engulfed in. Only God knew how much it meant to me that a sweet guy walked up to me and gave me his free drink at the campus coffee shop, just because, and in front of a lot of people. Only God brought those dozens of bagels to be delivered despite yesterday's crazy storm, even after I had made a few calls, each confirming to me that the company was closed and we would not receive our bagels, that was no challenge for Him, He brought them.

Only by the grace of God was all the orders organized, companies called, and food located for today's meals after not being delivered today. Only by God's grace did I have the strength to deal with every detail with my boss snowed in at her home. Only by God's grace was any of that possible because of my physical well-being and how weak I am. His power is perfected in weakness, His glory must shine. It is to His name that all these things took place.

Only by His good and perfect, powerful grace did He provide a place for me to sleep, not just one, but two nights to keep me from the bitter cold and damage my ailing body through trudging out in that deep, deep snow. How His grace has showered over me, and that I can see so clear and plain this week. May I not forget the richness of His grace He has so freely given to me. May His name be glorified!

Focus

I walk around each day pretty much clueless and taking for granted the wonderful gift I have. I have the wonderful opportunity right now to know God more and to learn to follow hard after Him. However, myself gets in the way. I am so centered around me.

I realized this these past few days as I shared my boo-whoos and complaints with good friends. Two of these friends said things that really helped put things in perspective. One told me that my current struggles are not my fault, that I should not put this trial on myself, it is those who have done wrong, the blame is on them. I must not blame myself. My other friend simply asked me if I'd been spending time in the Word and with the Lord in prayer. I had to be honest, this week was a little bleak in that area. This friend also told me to stop living like I deserve God to do something for me. So true and so challenging.

As I walked home this afternoon it hit me again that right now, God has blessed me with this gift of singleness, and it truly is a gift. For those who are not bound to another human, it is a gift to live in strong pursuit of our Creator. I have not been doing that. It is so ingrained in me to 'blend' and show that everything is ok, and that I know all the right answers, but in reality, I'm struggling. I don't deserve His love, I don't deserve His grace. I must accept it though. I must have faith that He is bigger than my fears and all my anxious longings.

Oh to find my delight in Him alone. That is my desire. My hope is that I will not be so lost in the busyness of life and meeting up with people that I push out and ignore the passionate pursuit of my Savior.

I want to learn more about what it means to sacrifice the things we love and how joy ties into that.

Communication

Mom was right. Just before I left for college, mom told me about how she learned so much about herself when she moved out of her parent's home and lived on her own. She was telling me this to encourage me that life at college was going to be more than what the classroom had to offer. She was telling me that I would be constantly learning.

Oh how right she was! I haven't stopped learning from the day my parents dropped me off in Houghton 216 and hurried to catch their flight back to Colorado that snowy January in 2007. In fact, there were many days I thought back to my mom's words all through my time at Moody. I began learning as my independence was gaining. I am so thankful for those words of truth.

One of those things I am constantly learning about is communication. I am fascinated by communication. I don't understand it and I don't even know how I communicate. I want to be better though.

One of the things I've learned about myself relating to communication is that I tend to be pretty easy-going--if I've been communicated to. I get upset when people do not communicate to me what they want or expect. I get frustrated with myself when I cannot articulate what's going on in my head to those who it really matters. I get a little frazzled when I cannot seem to make my directions clear to others.

I'm still learning this communication thing, and wow, I'm learning that it is a vital part of life.

This new job would be terrible if people did not communicate. I am thankful for the people I get to work with who initially react with grace when the plan gets skewed. I am thankful for the opportunities to admit I'm wrong, and learn from the mistakes. I am thankful for the wisdom of those above me.

I have so much to learn, and I'm sure my mom would agree that this is all just part of what she was talking about.

Average Girl

I guess I'm not your average girl.

I discovered this tonight after I sat at a table with mostly guys and found our conversation developing on the topic of castration, and then animal castration.

I educated those boys on how its done on the farm. Most of them didn't know. Haha. I didn't really think much about the whole scenario until someone came back to the table and realized we were still talking about such things, and was a little disgusted. To his disgust, my friend Justin informed him that "Rebecca started it all." Haha. Not really sure how I manage to 'start' such topics... that's a little weird.

I honestly think Justin started it, but whatever, it was funny.

All that to say, I'm not the average girl who is grossed out by meat, where it comes from and how it was meant to be on this earth as an animal in order to be one day enjoyed on the plate of humans. That was God's purpose for those beasts.

I'm ok with this difference from most girls. I rather like it actually. And really, I'm not that weird, it is just that not many people are like me here in this city, back where I come from that is who people are raised. That's part of the culture. Just like here in Chicago part of the culture is to wear boots that cost too much and wear out in one season because of all the salt on the sidewalks when it snows.

Step back and enjoy the cultural differences. :)

Life as One

I guess it comes with this 'age' or 'stage' in life, I have found that the majority of my friends are married now.

Which is wonderful. Because most of them I know and have known both since before they were married, and it has been fun to see them come together because of God.

Tonight I spent time with some of these special married friends, and they were/are just so encouraging to me.

One of my friends spoke some solid truth and admonishment to me. I needed to hear his guy perspective. Soooo helpful.

I am encouraged by these people who confess to me that they too have fears, that they too never thought or even still think they were ever 'ready' to be married. Most of all, I'm encouraged to know from these friends that in no way has their spouse 'completed' the other, or 'filled' an area inside of them, as individuals their only real need is still Christ and each of them will eventually fail the other.

Some of my other friends I spent time with today are single guys. Godly men. Guys who are genuine, loving, funny, people love them, and are so fine with being single. I appreciate their friendships too. What great people.

Oh the things that I've pondered today because of these great friends.

Doubt and Defeat +Christ=Victory

The thing I find myself wanting so so badly most of the time I am the most scared of. It seriously is one of my greatest fears.

Today I had a meltdown. Major meltdown. The last few days I've been fighting to believe that God is able to take care of my fears and believe that He is able to do what I hope for and heal me too.

All the content thoughts, feelings, and just being I have been experiencing the last few weeks, have been replaced the last few days with the devil creeping in and whispering to me that I'm not good enough, that no one will like me, that I'm a failure, that I annoy people, that I'm no good at anything. He is so WRONG!

But I have been believing him. And I know I am WRONG.

My prayer has been that I believe He is able, but for Him to help my unbelief like in Mark 9:24. Or unlike doubting Thomas, I need to have faith and believe in who Jesus is, the person of Christ and who I am to Him even without seeing Him in physical form before me.

Then I read Psalm 18 tonight. That is a powerful & passionate Psalm. Talks about when God delivered David from all his enemies and from Saul's hand. God tears apart heaven and earth for those whom He loves. HE LOVES ME. HE will defeat my enemies! The ones on this earth that I have grown to hate, and the evil one who tries to convince me of everything I am not.

Can I now live in victory that God has this under control and the enemies in my life are defeated? Can I believe that He is able? Can I forgive myself?

The Places You Take me

Oh how I long to be a woman of greater faith.

I desire to strive so hard after God.

To live a life displaying to all I meet the testimony of the greatness of our God and the marvelous work HE alone has done in me. I am completely nothing without Him.

I want to be a woman that prays constantly. I want each moment to be filled with something being put before my King on the throne.

I want to have the words to share with those who hurt and are so confused. I want to encourage the weary and be a ray of light to the downcast.

I want to fight for those who are overlooked. I want to get rid of the favoritism in my own life.

I want to love before I look on the outside. I want to love and show grace before I decide how I should treat others.

I want to give up the pre-conceived judgments and the foolish thoughts that flood my idle mind.

I want to dwell on the richness and goodness of Christ my Savior and all the things He has done and freed me from. I want to know Him more.

Lord, make me want You, I know You want me, how can I want You just as much?

Life Means So Much

This past week has been sprinkled with death.

Two men I knew only fairly well, and another lady on the verge, not sure even at this point if she is still around or not.

I have been all sniffles since Thursday evening due to an allergic reaction to lotion on my face. But I feel like I have been crying non-stop since I heard of the brutal death of my friend who was beaten to death and stripped and left out in the bitter cold until someone found him.

I wasn't able to actually shed tears until tonight. Fellowship with the people who knew Uncle Ben too, only around those people have I been able to actually begin the grieving. The real tears have come.

The song "Life Means So Much" by Chris Rice has been running through my mind all week, even before the deaths hit on Thursday.

--Every day is a gift you've been given
--Make the most of the time every minute you're living

If you're reading this, please, I challenge you to make the most of the time and life you've been given. Stop striving so hard for what you don't have and what you want so bad. Enjoy what is right in front of you. We are not guaranteed tomorrow.

I rejoice that for one of these people who passed this week, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, he is in Glory with his Savior and there is now way he would trade that to come back to this cruel world and be with us another second!

If you don't know Christ, please find Him. Follow Him. He is victorious over death and He makes life worth living. Every second.

High-rise

When I was a little girl on the farm, in that drafty, old farmhouse that dad remolded, I did not think I would ever move to that double wide! And how exciting it was to move to that new house that we got to pick out ourselves and arrived at the empty lot on two trailers.

Looking out the bedroom window of the wobbly, wind-beaten double wide I gazed at the buffalo grass and prairie dog holes, and never imagined I would be where I am today.

I could very soon be living in a high-rise in down town Chicago, minutes from the lake, as well as the loop. Walking to work will be my commute in just 11 minutes or so. For the first time in my life I could be living on the sixth floor of a building and have my name on a lease.

So I wonder, as I sit here tonight listening to the hum of the automobiles outside the window of the current apartment; where will I be next after this likely high-rise that I will look back on and remember how I never imagined living there?

H & L

This past summer I was able to meet and spend some quality time with a wonderful Godly, family of four. Like any family they have traditions, this particular one has a special 'tradition' at the dinner table each day to say what each person's high and low was for the day. For example: High- Mom making my favorite meal Low- The baby getting messy on me.

So I had this thought last night as I was in bed, trying so hard to sleep.

What if I write down at the end of each day for the year 2011 my High & Low for each day and thank God for them? I'm sure it will be fun to look back through and laugh or smile, and remember the precious moments God so graciously gives us, breath after breath, moment after moment, day after day.