2010

As this year winds to a rapid end, I decided to look at all my status updates I had this past year on facebook. The reoccurring theme and the ones I loved the most had to do with the faithfulness of the Lord and His provision, and people in my life who have loved me so much.

This has been a great year. God has taught me much. He has stretched me in ways I never thought I'd have to be stretched in. He is still working on me. He is sanctifying me. I'm thankful for it all, the good and the bad, as I look back over it all, I see the necessity of each little trial or joy, for I am closer to Him.

What will 2011 bring? What surprises does the Lord have in store? What battles will I face? How will I see Him so mightily do this year?

I'm trying to live as if each day is so important and taking me one day closer to being with Jesus in Glory. I want to let this be what motivates me to get out of bed in the morning and what drives me while I'm at my job and working with people all day. Can I live in a way that radiates Christ to all I encounter? Lord, make that be 2011. Show me how to love like You. Help me to live today as if I'm going to see You in my next breath.

Baby Jesus

The power of the Christ Child is what God has been teaching me about this Christmas season. Last Sunday in church we looked at the first part of Luke and how Mary was told she would carry the Messiah. I cannot help but just be amazed that she was so calm and collected after hearing such alarming news! Of course she had some disbelief, but she knew that the Lord had chosen her and she so willingly accepted the mission He had set before her.

Today on my way home from the dentist, there was a cheesy radio drama on, at first I thought it was just a bad commercial, then I listened closer.

It was a dramatized version of Simeon & Anna in the temple and their anticipation for the coming King. Then when the little humble family did show up, just the power of the small baby Jesus was incredible to hear in the radio drama. These two people who had waited all their lives for the promised Messiah had not lost hope, they knew they would see Him! And the joy that must have filled their entire beings when their eyes met His for the first time. The words of Simeon in the drama, "...I have now seen Salvation first hand!" He saw His Savior; he recognized Him, even wrapped in the humble rags. The power of that small Babe astounds me and leaves me in utter awe. People with faith truly find Him. But even better yet, He knows every heart, He has prepared hearts to trust in Him, He will see to it that His power is known in every heart that puts trusting faith in Him.

Oh to know and experience the power of the Christ-child every day.

chore boots, carharts, cows

These things are home to me. I don't mind the fact that I live in Chicago and walk around in a carhart and chore boots, for me it is part of who I am. I don't care too much that those may not be the style for Chicago, it is totally the style where I come from and it is practical.

Today in the Denver airport, I looked at Ruth and said, "We're definitely in Colorado." A good mix of people in carharts, boots, and others in outdoor mountain gear.

We were landing in Grand Junction and I looked out the plane window and saw a herd of cattle. Oh the beauty!

Sam was driving us home, and all we saw for miles was wide open spaces. No more starbucks! :) WE are out west, where the wild things are, the warmness of people who care, and the joy of a small country mountain home.

Connecting the Dots

So you know that mysterious guy I've wrote about a few times? And you know all those boys I blogged about a few posts ago? The two collided today, making for the thoughts I will share now.

One of my dear friends is convinced he and his wife will find a husband for me when they leave for the far away mission field... however, this man (according to my friend) will be an elderly gentleman...who probably just wants a cook and housekeeper.

The other guys over heard this conversation and how I thought that if I marry an old man, my desperation will truly show!

They then began to share their dating advice. Basically my conclusion is to just give up. Then the guys will FLOOD around me and notice me and be so interested. Hahahahahaha

Funny way to end work today.

So I just decided to go to the store, however, I saw a friend who knows the mystery man and we chatted for a while.

She confirmed the same admiration for his weird yet intriguing demeanor. He is a truly genuine person, so intentional, deep, and such a good friend. I told her how I wish I just knew him better or knew what was going on inside his mind.

After some recent events with him, I have been a little worried about our friendship, but after this conversation with our mutual friend today, I'm confident my friendship with the mystery man will continue. He is an encouragement and blessing in my life. And he probably appreciates me more than I realize.

Anyhow, you ask, how do these two collide?

Well.....

I'm just so content tonight. I came home and just sat in my cold, messy, but cozy apartment. Roommates gone (love them, but it is nice to have space sometimes!). Curled up and watched some Gilmore Girls, warmed up food from work, and have just sat at my computer enjoying life by myself!

Seriously, I have LOVED this tonight. Usually I have depressed Friday nights alone... but tonight doesn't even feel like a Friday night. And I am really happy to be alone. I'm really ok, I don't really want a man in my life right now, not because what the guys said, but honestly because I'm truly enjoying this. It is wonderful.

However...my room is not cleaning itself...

Importance

Today was the first time in a long while that I have felt like I have some meaning or importance. What a satisfying feeling to know, see, and experience actually helping and making a difference, and to love love love to do it and get paid for it too!

I guess something I have learned about today is that for all my life my parents and grandma have pushed me to do what I love, no matter what. They taught me to work hard and to do any job well. Even the challenging jobs that aren't fun. I'd like to think that I can do that. At the same time though, I have also been encouraged all my life to strive for what I love and run after what I was created to do and the person God made me to be. That is why today meant so much. I can see so much more clearly after today that I am so absolutely meant to work with people in a community. Not just for my benefit, no no. For Him, for His Glory. This is where I thrive because of how God made me. This is where my gifting comes alive. It is ok to want to go to work every day and to love every minute of it. It is ok to do something one loves, because really, isn't that how God made us anyhow? He's the one who gave us the love of whatever it is.

As I think about all that has come in place in the last few months, I cannot help but be thankful for the things that God has taught me though it all. I am reminded that these same influential people who pushed me to strive after what I love and work hard, also taught me to learn something from every situation and circumstance. Even the bad or not so enjoyable moments are in place for a reason and lessons can be learned from it all. I am so thankful for these people who have taught me these things, and for these experiences that have sharpened me and grown me. I'm sure there are more ahead.

Boys (plural)

Only three days left with the little boys, then I start a job supervising college boys.
Oh how funny.

I just was thinking about this tonight and how often in my life I've just naturally been the only girl in a group of guys, or had to work with just boys.

I love it. Of course. But it is kinda humerus to me just how often this has occurred.

For instance:

way back in 6th grade, at youth group it would be me, Grady & Brian

in sophomore english, it was me, Trevor & Jason

senior year, it was me & Rowdy or me, Randy & Michael

my first PCM at Moody, me, the only girl with 4 boys, every Sunday.

my first break at Moody, worked with two guys

working dishcrew the night of JSB my sophomore year, I was the only girl

countless shifts and other random jobs at Moody where it was me and boys

Friday nights with the Goossen boys in the library watching movies or them picking me up from babysitting

Going with Killer & all the guys from his floor to a movie one night... which led to many more movie nights with Reb & the boys from 17

PCM my senior year, Nate, Alan, Tyler, Cory & me... at least they let me sit in the front and tune the radio...

Needless to say, I love boys and most of these situations and the others I didn't remember to record right now, were just naturally part of life, not really that I chose to be in those situations because of boys or the boys participating in the events.

I look forward to working with some great guys in the near future. I already know they're great and they will probably teach me so much. I look forward to this!

The best part of having so many guy friends is twofold:
1. I can bake them yummy treats, and they love me for it.
2. I have an ENTIRE army to interrogate, beat up, and destroy anyone who wants to mess with me.


So here's my ode to boys. Love you guys!

TFMTW

One Thursday left.
One Friday left.
One Monday left.
One Tuesday left.
One Wednesday left.

This time next week I will no longer be working full time.

Of course with all the excitment that comes with this and the new set of challenges and adventures that are ahead, there is a little bit of sadness too. Especially after comments today such as: "Miss Becca, why do you have other jobs?" Or "Jesus wants us to kill our enemies." (Which to that one there was a long discussion on what Jesus REALLY teaches about our enemies!!)

I will miss these boys. They are funny. I LOVE their laughs so much. I love that Matty's little neck is so ticklish and he loves to smile his 'cheesy face'. Micah asks a million questions and always has something to say. I love when he thinks I'm so so funny.

I will miss telling Micah things about Jesus or reading him a Bible story. Those have been valuable moments and I have learned so much through each.

I am not to anxious to count down the days, I want to make the end the best and enjoy it. I know it will go by fast and I will always look back on the past 6 months and think of all the many valuable lessons I learned, day after day.

I thank God for the ways He has provided in my life, even through the hard, most challenging things. He is good.

Overthinking?

This one is long, and a little bit like a journal, so don't feel like you have to read it, I more just had to get my thoughts out.


Sometimes I over think things. Especially when it comes to guys. This week has been so great for me as far as just being content in my singleness and truly trying to enjoy each day and not live in constant expectation. I'm so thankful for this mental/emotional 'change', and that it has been more enjoyable and easier than I guess I would have thought before. I think what my friend said a few months ago about 'liking the idea of a relationship more than the person' is and has been where I'm at. And I don't want to be there, but I know that I am terrified of the reality of being in a serious relationship with someone again, and even marriage. Also, I'm just being reminded of all the wonderful things I can do as a single that are much more convenient than if I were married. Praise God for me being single right now. I don't know if I will be forever, but I thank Him for the strength He has so obviously provided to encourage me and help me endure these days that I am single. I will trust Him day by day.

Back to the over thinking...

So even though this week has been so so so great and positive for me as far as seeing myself as a single and being ok with that; I still have been confused by this person in my life. I don't get him. He is still a mystery. I just convinced myself the other night that I can't over think things, or read into them, and that there is no way that he really could or would be interested in me as more than a friend. Then today, after a short run-in, I was left even more confused. After relaying the scenario with two friends, they agree and confirm that they think there is something there on his end, even if it is that he just enjoys my friendship.

I guess I just don't know what to do. I thought I was over him. I'm so frustrated with crushes, I don't understand why they have to be a part of life. I don't think having a crush is productive at all. I have had so many crushes and they all end with nothing. I know that there is some reason for them, maybe to get me to pray more, but I really wish I would just stop liking people for the sake of liking them. If I'm going to like someone, can't it be for longer and for less shallow reasons than when I realize that they are never going to like me that way or it would never work out between us? I'm done with crushes. Or so I think until a day like this comes along, and other people see the possible signs of 'my crush' liking me too. What would I do if he really liked me back? oh my. I feel like I don't know him at all, but I want to. I feel like such a little girl...wondering about this person, does he think about me? Does he realize how much I think about him?

Well that's on my mind tonight. Thanks, blog, for letting me spill on you.

Fear Vs. Faith

The last 6 months have been mass confusion for me. My mind has been in a whirl and constantly I am questioning everything. Literally everything. I have so many fears and I beat myself up for not stepping out in faith and just seeing what the Lord will do.

Sure I think I know what I want, but it doesn't seem to match with reality. Why can't just living for today and finding myself in Christ be enough for me? Why do I strive so much to be consumed by everything else around me and replace my relationship with the Lord with people I think so highly of and desire so much to be accepted by?

I have a dream and a vision, and that is saying something because I am more a realist-type... but even with this I have fears. I don't know where to even start with this dream, but it is something I would LOVE to do beyond anything else. I am scared. Where is my faith?

Is my faith held back by fear because of all the options in front of me? I just don't know what to choose. I know that the things I love are there for a reason, what I love is a gift from God and He wants me to do what I love to bring Him glory. So then what do I do? Do I move forward with this dream and see what happens? What about the ridicule that will come? What about the tough times? And then I'm reminded, see how He has made it all work together for good in the past? What makes me doubt that He will continue? Can't I trust Him?

The easy road would be for someone to just say "Rebecca! Do this! Go this way!" but of course, I'm called to obey and step out in faith. When will I push that fear aside and really step out of the boat onto the water with my eyes totally fixed on the One who is more trustworthy than any other? Help me to trust You, dear Lord!

Differences

I've been back in the US for about 24hrs and over 12 of that has been by myself, in my quiet apartment. Which has been wonderful as far as processing/resting after traveling. Some of the thoughts that have run through my head since my last post concerning the differences between Brasil & the USA are as follows:

Before I left for Brasil, I had never spent a whole night in a hammock, upon returning, I slept only one night the whole trip in a real bed, and all the rest in a hammock, and LOVED it.

It is typical to shower 3 or more times a day in Brasil. Here I'm doing good if I shower once a day.

Last night I was going to the bathroom, and after throwing the used tissue in the trash, I remembered I was back in the US.

I can fill my glass here with water from the tap...not so in Brasil.

It is cold here. I am dreading going outside and it is 40 degrees here today! Think it's really time to pull out the mittens and scarves!

I have so much stuff. And I really don't need it all.

I worry much more about what I'm going to wear here. The whole time in Brasil I only wore 2 pairs of pants and re-wore shirts, no one really cares what one wears, sure there are social guidelines and things that are more respectable than others, but the actual articles of clothing do not matter as much as here in the states. I'm sure people there get consumed with fashion just as much as I do or others do here, but for me it was not as consuming, and maybe that's because I'm American? and respected their fashion lines.

I loved the simplicity of life. Maybe that had to do with being in the agricultural region of Brasil. There was no rushing about and for me, really no worrying. The Brasilians are so quiet and easy going. They love to laugh and have fun and truly care about others. Here there is a time line for everything, and when something falls out of that time line, people feel like the world as they know it is ending right that moment!

Differences are good, one is not better than the other, but there are some things in each of these cultures that I prefer over the other. Like the hot shower I just enjoyed, that was wonderful. But I would rather have fresh bread, butter, bacon, eggs, cheese and coffee for breakfast (like in Brasil) rather than the majorly processed choices I have here.

Recap

Brasil was amazing. I know I have to sit here and write about it, but I don't even know what to say.

I went with little to no expectations or to-do lists, I just went knowing that for 10 days I would not have to worry about anything from food, sleep, safety, etc, I knew the Goossens would take care of me. And they did. Way more than that too.

I was determined to go and be a servant and not a sponge. I was there to serve them and help with whatever was needed, just as if they were my family too. I did not want to be a bother or the 'typical' American who needs to have their hand held through everything or be picked up after for everything. But also, I wanted to be sensitive to the reality that Nate's family was together for the first time in a long time and their parents probably relish that time with their boys and their wives. So, I tried to be as helpful as I could and just go with the flow.

I must say though, I did not expect what happened in that 10 day period of time. The Lord was working on me too. He knew that the people around me in this time had just the right things to say to draw me to Him and to remind me of Himself and His love. Over and over again I heard the Lord telling me to Trust Him. Trust was a theme throughout each of the 10 days. Trust in the Goossens to take care of me even when I didn't know details of the day ahead; and also trust in the Lord that He will take care of my future even though from my view now it is pretty cloudy.

Conversations with Aunt Esther, Brittany, Aunt Molly, Aunt Linda, Julie, Uncle Todd, Stefanie, Aunt Mary, Caleb, Nathaniel & Jordana were incredibly helpful in bringing about confirmation from the Lord about missions in my future. Hearing Uncle James share about what the Lord is doing there was so exciting to me. I just love that kind of talk. And then to sit around yesterday and strategize with missionaries about taking a team of Brazilians & Americans to a country where the Gospel is desperately needed.

Forgiveness was another thing the Lord laid on me during the course of the 10 days I was there. Forgiveness brings freedom, I am still learning to forgive some people who have hurt me deeply. I want that freedom. That freedom from forgiveness will probably help me trust others better and the Lord too!

One thing that really stuck out to me from the first day upon arriving in Brasil was the ministry and impact of the Goossen family. God is using them. There are other missionaries down there too, and they are wonderful too, but these Goossens, wow. I am so impressed that three brothers and their wives can work for YEARS together with their wives and children and actually get along and be able to work with other missionaries too... and be so successful. It just proves that God is not only doing something through them, but that God is a part of their daily, personal lives. I know this family is not perfect, and living with them for 10 days is surely not long enough to really know them, but from what I know of their sons and doing life with them at Moody, and then seeing the parents in action for a few days, it is clear that these guys were raised to start their days with the Lord and to live life all about Him. What a heritage! Grandparents who served for 40 some years in Brasil, they have 4 sons, all who are missionaries! And then 12 grandchildren, most of whom are either in missions or are working towards missions. That is just not a norm. That is because of the Lord and Him working. I don't know many missionary kids who return to the field like that, what a testimony to our God without borders. Not only is this family all about missions, they are not bound to Brasil, they realize that the need for the Gospel is all over the world and they desire to see people in the evangelized parts of the world (Brasil included) mobilized and go out spreading the Gospel to the least reached parts of the globe.

I could go on about this family and how God has used them in my life, but this post is so long already. What a joy to know people who love the Lord so passionately and who have a strong heritage of serving the Lord. I cannot help but want to be a part of it too. Confession: several times I have wished in the last 10 days that there was another Goossen boy available to marry. I want a Godly man like them!

A good trip... I'm sure more will come up to blog about as the thoughts process and I see more cultural differences.

This was the first time in my life I had mosquito bites and sun tan on Thanksgiving though!! :)

My Best Friend's Wedding

In less than a week my best guy friend will be married. It is hard to believe the reality of this statement. I will be there, watch his beautiful bride walk down the aisle to him, exchange vows of commitment to each other before guests and before the Father God. It will most likely be all in Portuguese, but that doesn't matter, I'm just so glad I get to be there. What a celebration! Again, hard to believe this day is down to single digits and less than a week away. I remember back when he first told me they started dating, I was beyond happy.

He is one of those people in my life who will always, no matter the circumstance or miles and countries that separate us, we will always and forever be friends. There is nothing, nothing at all that will or could change that. I am so so so thankful for such a good friend, someone who has stretched, challenged, encouraged and fought with me. He has seen me at my worst and at my best. He is one of the few people who can laugh at my silliness, and one of the few guys I feel totally and completely comfortable around. And he is one of the few people outside my family I can get totally annoyed with and still love them so so so much.

I'm so excited to finally meet in person, face-to-face, this wonderful woman who gets to share life with Nate starting next Saturday!! What a joy! However, I am not jealous, I'm rather relieved and again, so so so thankful God has put her in his life and drawn them to commit to living and loving each other for the rest of their lives. What a wonderful thing.

And how exciting it will be to see the land where my dear friend's heart lies. The place where he grew up and the place he belongs. I am so excited to see the ministry his family is a part of and the history of his family that has carried on through 3 generations. This is exciting. I am so blessed to have these people in my life and even more to have such a good friend, who has shown me the love of Jesus in the way he interacts and just lives his life.

Brasil...here I come!

hard work

Today started at an early 6:35... when I realized my alarm had been going off for 5 minutes.

Britt & I scrambled to the car in our paint clothes by 7am. We got bagels and coffee then picked up Jon by 7:30 and was at Sunshine by 8.

From moving all of Britt's kitchen cabinets from one apartment to another, stacking her flooring, and painting the ceiling and walls. Four of us who really, did not know what we're doing found ourselves with extended paint rollers covering the ceiling with new fresh paint. Soon our necks hurt and arms were sore. Then came the hues of brown bread and apple cider, oh those walls are festive!

My thoughts through the day were how blessed I am to have Brittney in my life and the things God has taught me through her. I am so encouraged by Jon and his passion for Christ and love for theology. And Momma Rost was such a joy to work with and is always such a warm person to be around. I thanked God while I spent a few hours in Britt's new room coating apple cider paint on her walls.

My thoughts also wandered to my past, my family history, how I grew up with hard work as a natural part of daily life. It was normal to wake up at 5 or 6am daily and feed the cattle, pigs, and sheep, then come inside make breakfast for the family, do my indoor chores and then on to my school work. The weekends and summers consisted of hours outdoors doing whatever dad said. We worked hard, and sometimes there were those days where just dad and I would get to go to lunch, that was a treat. Or go to a farm sale, and not really have to 'work' on a Saturday!

I'm thankful for those memories and for my dad who instilled in me the importance of knowing how to work hard and work well. At the end of this day I feel like I have accomplished so much, maybe from the way my body feels so exhausted and virtually every muscle above my waist hurts, but there is just something about hard work that for me is fulfilling. Maybe I am talking about physical hard work, my job right now is hard work, but more mentally, not really physically. I look forward to my new job, where soon, I will have the opportunity to be incredibly physically active at work, putting those muscles to good work and having to grunt to help move stuff around.

This week I have had the strong desire to pick up weight lifting... may sound strange, but for some reason it fascinates me. I took a class on it for my fitness elective at Moody, but I don't remember a thing. Maybe I'll have time to go to the gym and can find someone to help me when I start my new job.

mystery

guys are a mystery to me

i don't understand them

i am totally confused by one of them right now

he is a mystery, and i wonder if that is why he is so interesting?

am i totally infatuated?? i hope not. oh goodness, i hope not.

i just don't understand him, and i want to understand him.

he is so strange, different, and yet amazing, kind, caring, creative, intelligent, understanding, and weird

wonder who i am in his world? just another girl? does he know how much i appreciate him? does he think about me through out the day like i think about him?

think i might be trying too hard

just need to be me, alas, all he shows me is himself

the truth i cling to about him is: he is a good friend, i value his input in my life, and i truly enjoy being around him.

my prayers yesterday & today have been that God would control my mind and take those thoughts that run away and get wrapped around this guy and trying to figure him out.

this has been going on for over a month i realized today when i looked through my journal...why can i not get over him? what is the reason for this?

i don't understand 'crushes' but it seems they've always been a part of my life. will that end? i would like it to.

Faithful in the Small Things

"faithful in the small things" that is what I left church with Sunday night. Encouraged and challenged to do that. That is and has been my goal. But I have been really questioning "what is the small stuff?"... Today I saw some of the small stuff, and yep, when tested, I did not pass... I was not faithful.

I was reminded today how much I still have to deal with sin in my life.

I want so badly to be accepted, appreciated, cared for, and to have attention of a guy, and today, one in particular. So selfish. Turned into anger a few times when I didn't get what I wanted. Oh how ashamed I am for wanting that and doing that to a friend. Why do I act so silly and get affected by every little thing? Why do I feel like I have to impress someone to be noticed? When will I realize that me, myself, the person I am is good enough, I don't have to try to impress anyone?

Oh I was not faithful in this area. Maybe just so I could realize that I still have things in my life I desperately need Christ to clean up & change me to be more like Him.

enjoy and accept

In search of a specific verse this week, I stumbled (or rather, Spirit Lead)upon Ecclesiastes, as I read over several passages, there were some verses that really have stuck with me and have really encouraged me in the past and again, the Power of the Word of God and the wisdom of Solomon has penetrated my life. And I am thankful! Please read and apply, I'm challenged to do so too!

"There is nothing better for a man than to eat and drink and tell himself that his labor is good. This also I have seen that it is from the hand of God. For who can eat and who can have enjoyment without Him? For to a person who is good in His sight He has given wisdom and knowledge and joy, while to the sinner He has given the task of gathering and collecting so that he may give to one who is good in God's sight. This too is vanity and striving after wind." 2:24-26

"I have seen that nothing is better than that man should be happy in his activities, for that is his lot. For who will bring him to see what will occur after him?" 3:22


Conclusion: I need to enjoy what is placed before me and accept the things that are not MY ideal.

worth & meaning

I know that when the road is rough, and when life only seems to give us lemons we're suppose to look on the bright side and be optimistic and all that.

I've been trying all day. Really, most of the day went extremely well when compared to some of the others in the recent past. But then I got a text canceling one of the things I was looking forward to most in my day. Oh well, I guess we can't have everything we want right?

Then after I made myself a delightful dinner and managed to set off the fire alarm second night in a row and freeze out the apartment, I found out that the one other thing I was looking forward to this day would not happen because of the elections.

Yep, so these things we want just don't really always happen or come about in the way we originally think or plan.

As I walked home tonight I began down that dark path of thinking again. I hate it, I know it's wrong, but I cannot seem to find any worth and meaning in what I do and who I am. I know those are lies, but it is hard when I finish a day like today and see absolutely no point to anything that I did. Nothing. I don't know how God is glorified in me doing nothing and how meaningless the work I did was. I guess the right answer is that I should be doing this meaningless work with a good attitude and a grateful heart. I don't know where to find that.

I guess I've lost myself in self pity yet again and I feel so lost and abandoned. I know it is a lie that I think I'll have worth and meaning if I'm a wife, and oh goodness how at the same time that life can't be easy either. Why can't I be content with what I have and what has been given to me?

Sunny Wind

I definitely had a melt down the other night. Pretty sure it all just crashed in when I realized that I would be working over 50 hours this week with 6 kids, all 3 and under. And none of them are my own kids. The three 3 year-olds are boys, and all of them are stubborn. Thankfully one of the little ones is a girl, nice to have pink and play gentle, and cuddle.

In the cab as I came home tonight I reflected on my week and the things that I am thankful for despite doing something I do not necessarily enjoy at all. One of these being that I have an opportunity to observe three families all at very similar life stages of raising children and I get to observe very closely how they live and deal with real issues. That is a true gift! I doubt my parents had such insight into raising children. Sometimes I think that I could begin writing a book about 'babysitting' or parenting, but then I realize, I'm missing out on the most important part, actually having my own children to raise! ha!

Anyhow, I'm so thankful for these three families, trusting me to watch their precious children. That is huge. I can't imagine how stressful and agonizing it is to walk away from those dear ones and trust that someone will just take care of them while one is out. Wow.

I'm thankful for incorporating Godly values and lessons into daily life and interactions with others. This is mostly what keeps me sane.

I am thankful for roommates who listen to me babble when I get home from work because I have not talked to anyone over the age of 3 for over 15 minutes in um... well, I don't know how long? The night before when I told my roommates goodnight?? yeah... this is probably one of the hardest things about doing what I do. I need face time with people and have conversations and process things verbally, and be understood, and well, that just doesn't happen with a 3 year old!

I am thankful for the weekends. I am thankful for the thrift store to go searching with my dear friend and find things that should cost a lot more than what we paid for. I love being treated to starbucks by said friend and chatting in the cool autumn breeze and simply relaxing! And then to be told as he leaves that he bragged to his friends he got to hang out with a college graduate... haha I think that made my day!

I'm thankful for an apartment and again, wonderful wonderful roommates who took me to Ikea for my first time today and then waited for me to get my hot dogs and then dropped me off at my next job. Then they so kindly took all my findings to my room for me. Oh they are a blessing in my life. I love to laugh with them and I am so encouraged by their lives.

Anyhow, all that to say I did not intend to give a recap of my day for this post, but I guess now it is what it is.

However, I did want to say, for me it is so easy to look at my 'bad' days as just rainy days, where the sun never comes out to shine. Well, tonight I am trying to re-think that and put my life into perspective a little more: I have not been given these opportunities with these 6 kids and 50+ hours of work for no reason, it isn't just rain. Rather, I'd like to think of it like a day where the wind blows, and gosh, it isn't fun, no, it is rather a pain, but even on those windy days the sun can and does still shine.

What's up with the blues?

Who do I cry to when there is no one?

I want so badly to talk to a person who would truly understand me or just listen. But I am too afraid to because I feel like tonight if I sought out anyone to vent at I would suddenly find myself being so so so selfish and only talking about myself and not interested at all about the other person. What a terrible friend I am.

I want to talk about how crummy I feel and the doubts I have in my head and the things that just made me so down today.

Where is the safe person to talk to? Why do I feel like just talking to God isn't enough?

Oh Tumbleweed How Did You Get Here??!!??

So I was thinking today that my posts have been a little on the down and deep side... so here's for a more light and fun post...

Today during my commute I decided to find things I LOVE, what you read as follows are the things I remember from the chunk of time in my day spent traveling to and from work:

I decided today my favorite foods are potatoes, onions, and bacon. Can never have enough. And they all three are so versatile.

Green and yellow are by far the BEST color combination, but only if it is the John Deere shades. (this little reminder I give thanks to the man in front of me when I stepped off the Blue Line this morning on the way to the bus, his shirts were perfect shades of G&Y)

My favorite TV channel is Food Network. Amazing.

Playdough is one of my fondest memories as a child, and today we played with playdough... oh the joy! I made a little pizza slice.

Crunchy chicken and pasta with butter, cheese and garlic salt makes for a tasty lunch.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE clean laundry, and I even LOVE folding it.

It occurred to me today that I could probably dress up for Halloween and go trick or treating and everyone would think I'm a kid... maybe I'll try, just have to find a costume and some kids to go with...

I love being in a kitchen. Something about it just is soothing.

I am realizing the vast amounts of foods we ate as children were things Mom made from scratch, therefore, most of everything I know how to make is from scratch... apparently, that is not 'normal'...but oh wow, so so so much better. I don't think I'll change that, I love cooking & baking from scratch, even if it takes more time, it trumps all in the realm of flavor and love.

And last of all to make this post complete, the little thought that inspired the title of this writing tonight:

There I was, briskly walking through the rumbling wind as the sky darkened by the second. I was thinking to myself about how I left work at 5pm and I was about 5 minutes from my apartment and it was about 6:30pm... why does it take so LONG to get home sometimes??

I wandered over crunchy leaves, past the spooky houses decked out with spider webs, tomb stones, spiders, and pumpkins. Anxious to get home, I quickened my pace, only to look down and realize something was in the way. No, it wasn't another tarp like the one a few houses back, but rather, this large large tumbleweed had found his new home lodged on a fence and was overtaking the sidewalk. At first it didn't even hit me that this large tumbleweed was so out of place. Then as I stepped around it, I began to wonder where this tumbleweed was from. I cannot help but wonder if it comes from the Colorado plains. Maybe even from the back yard of the home I left almost 5 years ago. Oh well, here's to the tumbleweed who made my night and made me smile and now has a post on my blog. Just not something this small town country girl sees every day in this big city!

Prompting

The prompting of the Holy Spirit is such a curious thing to me. It fascinates me. Maybe it is something that can't really be understood or explained. All I know is that as of lately, I have experienced the prompting of the Spirit to pray for certain people, later to find out good reason why there could have been such prompting of the Spirit.

In the last week two young families I know have lost precious little ones. My heart has been so heavy for these couples. I am overwhelmed by the thoughts of what they must be feeling and thinking and how hard this time must be for them. I don't know how anyone could endure such terrible losses without a Father to lean on. The life of these little ones truly is a testimony, even if their lives here on earth were not as long as the rest of us would have wanted, God's name is glorified through the reaction of their parents who have chosen to serve Him and glorify His name no matter the circumstance.

I am left a little concerned though. Concerned that maybe I don't listen or am not as aware as I should be to the prompting of the Spirit. I wonder how often He prompts me to do something and if I have just become so used to the uncomfortable requests, that I no longer hear Him when He is prompting me to do something.

My prayer tonight is that I would be more sensitive to the leading of the Spirit in every moment of my day, so that I can truly learn to obey Him and bring glory to the Father. Reveal to me the things that I block out and the areas I need work. Refine me and clean me up. Take the things I hold on to that You tell me to give up. Thank You for the lives of the little ones who have touched me in the past week. I know they sit with You now.

Searching

Today I was looking for something.

I left the apartment this morning with a set place to go. I went, it passed, and I found myself not wanting to go home or even go to the store by myself.

I just walked around and hung out with people who happened to just sit and talk or not really do what they had planned.

I felt lame. I felt lame because I knew that if I went home I would go nuts because I wanted to be with people, but there were no people at home. Then I felt more lame that the only place I could think of that has people, all of those people are busy and have homework. But I hung out for over 12 hours there today. I was searching for something.

I don't think I found it, but I was searching for something. I don't know if what I was searching for can be fulfilled by anyone but God Himself. I know that part of what I was searching for today was to be understood and just have company. I was surrounded by friends, yes, but I guess tonight I realized that I 'know' many people, but there are few who actually understand me.

I was searching today to be understood. I saw this over and over again as I look back and reflect on the conversations I had today. I just wanted to be heard and understood. Which is something that probably every person wants. I realized that the people who really get me and understand me are those that I value friendship with the most.

On the other hand however, I realize that my searching for understanding today was rather selfish because again, as I recall those encounters I had with so many people today, I just wanted my voice to be heard more than I wanted to sit and listen to the people talking to me. I would not slow down my thinking and stop my revolving world to listen and show that I care to the ones who needed to be heard and understood too. I'm so selfish.

Solo for Food

So if I think about it I could list all the things I ate in the last 24 hours... and it would be a short list. But the problem is more that I don't think about it. It is more like, "hmm... when WAS the last time I ate?" And then I realize how LITTLE I ate the last time it WAS.

As I have thought about this more, I know that stress is probably related to this weight loss and lack of food eating problem, but I know there is some self discipline needed as well as simply the fact that my life is different than when I was at student.

Anyhow, tonight I am a little concerned for the next two days. My roommates are gone. Not that I only eat when they are around, but I will be alone for a lot of time and honestly, what if I just forget to eat or just push it off because there is no one here to share a meal with? How pathetic. I love food so much, but I love it more and more and more when there are actually people to eat with. Of course, I'm glad my roommates get to go away for the weekend and I'm not writing this to say that I wish they would stay, however, I am saying here that food should be partaken of in the presence of others. It should be shared. Thankfully the Body of Christ will be dining in my apartment on Sunday night and I am so so so glad!

One thing I look forward to with this is that we will partake of the elements that remind us of what Christ has done for us and part of what we do with that is wash feet, fellowship, break bread, drink 'wine', and anticipate the coming day when we will be at the Marriage Supper of the Lamb. I look forward to that day when we will be in glory with the Father and that meal will be spread perfectly and there will be plenty of people to share it with! How wonderful.

Faces in Pumpkins

Crunchy leaves, crisp air, apples, caramel, cider, and PUMPKINS.

Last year at this time was my first ever in my life venture out to a pumpkin patch while I was visiting my sister in NY for my fall break. That was such a fun thing to do and I can't help but wish I could do it again. The only reason that I had never been to a big pumpkin patch before was because as kids we grew our own pumpkins in our garden then dad would have us fill the truck up and take them to church and give them out. But we always kept some too, for carving or even for mom's yummy stew she baked IN the pumpkin. I love love love the pumpkin seeds too.

I guess this is one of those self-pity posts. I want to go to a pumpkin patch. But it is not a place a person goes by themselves. It isn't even a good date in my opinion, it is what a family does. Then I want to carve pumpkins. Just one would do. And save the seeds and toast them and snack on them.

I really miss my family tonight. I really am fine with my independence most of the time, really probably all of the time. I don't know why it is a little rougher today. Maybe because I talked to grandma two times yesterday and realized that I haven't seen her or my older sister since Christmas. Or maybe it is realizing that in six short weeks it will be the first time in my entire life I will not be at my grandma's house for Thanksgiving with my family, which is by far the biggest family gathering and holiday in the Williamson household. Or maybe it is realizing today as I stood in the dentist office with two screaming boys that my mom is wonderful and I miss her terribly. And then the other possibility as to why I miss them so much tonight especially is because Tyler & Alan both said their parents are coming this weekend. Tyler's from Georgia and Alan's from Ohio... and then I remembered that my mom is going to visit my sister this weekend. And I get to see her (hopefully) as she changes flights in Chicago. I cannot help but hope that I get to see her for longer than 5 minutes, and that I actually make it to the airport before her flight arrives.

I think I will break down and cry a million tears and be the biggest baby if I don't get to see my mom on Thursday night. I just need to see her.

Fire

I know I just wrote a post, but tonight I just have to get stuff out. And I don't know how else besides writing. I don't even really care too much if people read this, I just know I have to get it out.

Never did I think I would endure this fire. Never did I think at 22 I would feel the pain and hurt of a few guys and a group of missionaries. Never. I had never thought as a young girl this is what my life would aspire to be. I don't understand these things. Rather, these things have left me the most confused, hurt, and turned upside down than I ever have been.

I know that a lot of those things have happened in the past, and I should probably 'move on'. But as my friend encouraged me with the other night, healing is a process. I'm still in that process and it might take a long time.

But there is hope. I can hope that this fire is refining me. I can hope that there is a reason for all of this. All of the millions of pieces I feel like I have been broken into lie in the hands of Jesus and He knows how to put them back together in just the right way that is even better than what it was like before. I can cling to that and hope in Him.

I need to be constantly reminded of that though. Sometimes the fire is still hot and painful. Sometimes when I see certain people or read something or a little thing I see reminds me of those life shattering situations, that's when the pain of the fire is still obviously there. That is when I start to crumble again. That is when I try hard to run to Jesus. Usually, like the other night, that is when I break down in tears, overwhelmed by it all. But that fire will not consume me, it has no power over me, and it will not be more than I can bare. Oh in that I can be thankful.

Take my hurt and my pain, I lay it all before You. Hold me close to You, please, refine me for Your glory.

The Word

So I love to encourage people with the Word in a little note or something, and well tonight I realized that there is just amazing things in the Bible! I know this of course, but I was just reminded of it again. How come I am ok with looking in my Bible to share a passage with a friend, but I can't take a few minutes (or MORE) to sit and let it soak into my life?
Seriously, I flipped through pages of my Bible I used through my time at Moody and kept stopping at little things I had highlighted or underlined and wanted to just keep reading! The Word is so wonderful. I LOVE it. How come I don't read it more? How would my life be so different if I would allow it into my life and choose to read it?

Thank You Holy Spirit for working on me. Change me please.

Questions

Life is full of questions.

Where are you from? What are you doing? What's the next step? How are you going to do that?

Not that questions are bad, but sometimes I just don't know how to answer them.

Sometimes the answers to these questions are hard. Sometimes it is hard to even get to the point about something and move forward.

Today an answer to one of these questions came and it was hard. It is that good hard though. Good in the sense that now we can move on to another question: What's next? or even What now?

I wish I knew. Sure I have plans and so many good things to look at, but really is there something else out there that will just plop up and be 'the thing' that is next? What will God do?

I think of that and then remember my friend Tim's words, "...sometimes you just HAVE to decide and move forward..." So did I do that? Am I moving forward? Or am I just a flake?

Well I know this, I'm still waiting, but on something different. This week has proved to be what I had hoped it to be: a week that would produce some direction.

Direction:
I am not going to Rome with the team.
I am looking into a different job that is actually turning out to be more promising than I had even imagined.
Just before writing this blog tonight I applied to be an RA at BFA in Germany.


Without any doubt these past few days have left me assured that I have some of the greatest friends in all the world and only is this true because of the grace of my Savior and the love of my God. He has showered His abundant love on me and cares so deeply for me. I will trust Him, for I cannot trust men or even myself, but I can trust in the One who knows me better than I even know myself. I can trust my Maker.

Oh community!

How this week has been an encouragement!
This week my two worlds of Avant and Moody collided and I LOVED every moment of it.

I am completely exhausted and I feel so blessed, encouraged, and stretched spiritually. All in the good way. That is when I'm reminded that all of those things mean that I was in a community again for a few days...oh how I miss that! Sure I have people all around me as I commute to work and all that jazz every day, but it is one thing to be surrounded by tons of people on the bus and then run around the yard with two little boys, but it is a whole other thing to be in a place where in every interaction with people one is genuinely asked how they are doing and expect an update on his or her life. That is draining, but in a good way. That is when the encouragement and spiritual stretching comes.

I spent significant amounts of time with people this week who are sensitive to feelings, caring, and loving. Significant time with people who just want to serve God and strive to be closer to Him daily.

Last night I think I cried off more of my mascara than I usually wash off. It was melt down time. I realized that I am still hurt from things in the past. I don't know why I thought the pain would 'just be gone', but it is still there and will take some time to heal.

I don't know what I would do without my friends who cry with me and simpathyze in my weakness and struggles. I appreciate so much the fact that they would take time so unselfishly to sit and listen, let me cry, and speak truth to me. Oh how comforting it is to hear a good friend assure me he knows what I am dealing with, and he is not being shallow about it, because I know enough of his story too, he really does understand. I just needed that, to be understood. I'm thankful for that.

These people I spent time with this week are such blessings from the Lord and I am so thankful that God has allowed our paths to cross at this point in all our lives. Oh how I hope that I can be less of myself and more of Christ to those I interact with daily. May I be willing to love.

dropping......

I don't know what to think about this but all I know is that a few months ago I was definitely a few pounds heavier. Maybe I shouldn't be blogging about this, but I think I need to outlet on a 'touchy' topic.

Today I watched the scale drop to the lowest I've seen in the last few years. I don't know how this has happened. Sure, I don't eat as much or as often, as when I was a student, but why have I been dropping on average a pound a week for the past few weeks?

Is it the stress of the job or is it my brisk walk to work and back 5 days a week? Is it keeping up with two little boys and sometimes sacrificing actually eating a meal to satisfy their needs? I was a little concerned and then realized how stressed I am about my work situation. I think it is stress. I try to eat, I really do, I pig out on potatoes and bacon on the weekends. I eat things that are not really that great for me, and then when I do eat at work I eat well balanced meals.

Oh well, I don't know, I guess I was just a little shocked to see those numbers today on the scale.

Mom & Trust

So today I have spent many hours by myself. Which is fine, just lots of time to think. I watched a movie this morning and then all I have been able to think about for the rest of the day has been about one day being a mom. And although that is very scary, it is also very appealing. I think it sounds like such a privilege to be allowed to carry life into this world and grow them up into followers of Christ. I want to be a theology mom. I want my children to begin learning how to do theology from day one. I want them to think of others and love like Jesus. I want to have little boys and girls to hug close and teach the practical things of life. I want to be the busy mom who has to take the kids here and there, organize birthdays, wipe tears, sooth during sickness, and play in the mud. I want to have to fold laundry, clean and decorate a house.

I think of all these things and then remember that a man is kinda needed for this all to take place. And as much as I want there to be a man, I am so scared.

As I examined myself today, my trust in men is so so so low. I don't really trust them to be more than friends any more. That is so sad. I don't know, I guess it will be an act of God if I do actually get to be a wife and a mom one day. All I can imagine is that possibly I could marry a good friend...then a lot of trust would already be there. But is that possible?

Oh God, take these fears and all these things I want. I may never get any of the things I wrote about here, and if that is for Your glory, may it be so. I ask though that if it is Your will please may I have these things? Draw me close to You, help me to never lose sight of You. Let me watch as You guide me through this life You have given me.

Crazy

I went to babysit right after work again tonight and when my friend Adam picked me up and we were stuck in traffic on the way to his house, we had a long time to catch up on life.

He eventually asked about the boyfriend...to which I think he was a little regretful in asking...however, he said something that I really needed to hear. He said something along the lines of, "allow God to bring that man into your life who will be crazy about you".

And as I've thought about that more the last few hours tonight I really do want that. Sure the heart break into a million bazillion pieces stinks, but if that is what has to happen before the person comes along who is so crazy about me, I guess that is just what will have to happen.

I praise the Lord I have never had a jerk face boyfriend, all of the guys who have called my dad to pursue a dating relationship with me have been wonderful, Godly men of character that to this day I admire each of them and hope the best for them in whatever the Lord brings their way.

There are still those times of heartache and heartbreak that have hurt so deep and still cause some pain from time to time, but how big God is compared to that pain. And to think He took all that pain, He carries those burdens. He looks at me with love. He is Crazy about me.

What to Do, What to Do!

Last night I had some quality time with a friend/brother/older-man-godly-influence person in my life. He has been there for me through some rough stuff and some incredibly amazing stuff. We were catching up over what else, FOOD, and I began my long discourse on where I'm at in life.

Basically the summary is that I have about 4 options to choose from at this point to move forward with and start doing more ministry in an area I actually like. The hard part is knowing what to choose. My dear friend said to me, "well, at some point you are just going to have to decide and move forward in faith knowing that the Lord will bless whatever decision is made." I looked at him, laughed and said, "Yes, and boy, this sounds so familiar, you've told me this before." But I know he is so right. All of these options are good. None of them would be considered if they were bad! haha

He has also asked me a few times what I love to do. Which I have been trying to figure out for the past few months. But I know that I love to cook, talk with people, be a part of community, and just do life with people.

After we were talking for a bit, some other friends joined, then another job opportunity was presented to me in an area I have worked before and absolutely LOVE. It is hard for me to not consider it as another option too! All of the people I was talking with last night think I would do so good at this job, I just wow, don't know what to think! I would LOVE LOVE LOVE more than anything to go back to the same place as my favorite job I have ever had, but wow, is that really an option??

I guess today is going to be full of prayer and bringing this specifically before the throne. Lord please direct my life. I give it into Your hands. You know my desires and where my heart is, take all these things and show me where and what to do. I follow You.

OT

The past few weeks I've been reading about women who were in Jesus' line. I feel like parts of the Old Testament have just come alive in a whole new way. I love reading about these women and trying to get a grasp on what life was like for them so so long ago. And to think that I know how their stories end! They didn't know what was going to happen to them and many of them had terrible terrible terrible situations to deal with. I am just reminded of God's redemption, as well as His love and grace. His desire to bring His Son into this world in the most 'unlikely-to-man' sort of ways, even using some special, forgotten, shameful, FOREIGN women who exercised incredible faith.

Yesterday I finished reading about Rahab, and I could not even shift my focus today and start reading about Ruth, even though we started a study on Ruth at church last week, but my mind was still back with the Israelites who had just entered the promised land back in the book of Joshua. I then opened up my Bible and read the next few chapters following Rahab's rescue and was astounded at the power of God, people's rebellion, or just plain stupidity that is so human and so normal and I can so relate to.

I seriously feel like the Bible has come to life in a whole new way. I don't know if it is because of my trip to Israel, or if it is the Holy Spirit, maybe a good good combination of both. All I know is that tonight I go to bed knowing that my God is the same God that made those walls of Jericho crumble to the ground, the same God who had His people walk across two bodies of water on DRY land. He is truly the same yesterday, today and forever, and that is a promise to cling to.

Food

Ok, so I realize I decided to blog at 12:37 AM......... after 13.5 hours of babysitting........... so I guess take this post with a grain of salt??

I love food.

This seriously hit me time and time again today. (well, I think about how much I love it often actually...)

But today I just really really love food. I think I am passionate about food for many reasons, but the biggest is because it is the most fun to enjoy food with other people. It is something that everyone can drop their lives and enjoy eating together and just bring all the differences 'to the table' for a fine blend of personality, flavor, and of course relationships. I love table time.

I catch myself thinking about food and almost feeling guilty about it and thinking, OH goodness, I can't have this as an idol or love it more than God, or be too prideful about my cooking. Then I have the reoccurring thoughts like I did today: remember how much I loved to cook and bake and mix and season when I was little? That little girl who got up every morning on the farm to make breakfast for the family and then in the afternoons whip up a mean mud pie is the same me. I really believe that every human has the need to express themselves through some sort of creative means/outlet, and for me this is done in the kitchen. That is the person God has made me to be. The challenge then is to not let what He has given me take over and control me, but to continually used the things He has given me as strengths to bring more and more and more glory to His name.

It is to His name and honor forever and ever. It is because of Him that I love to cook and bake and hopefully will never grow tired of it. I can only hope for more opportunities to share the love of Jesus through sharing the love of food and good company.

Different Is Beautiful

Today's little lesson to learn on the bus was when these sisters got on the bus. I see these ladies on my route often, and I am always amazed at them. I also really miss my sisters when I see these two.

Today was particularly attention grabbing for me though. They got on like normal, except this time of day normally just one gets on, anyhow, they both got on and they were in deep conversation. So deeply engrossed in conversation with each other that they did not realize the lady across from them staring at them the WHOLE time. I got to watch her notice these two and how she was just amazed at how much they look alike. At one point, I thought the lady was going to ask them if they are twins (which I always wonder because, really, they look so much alike).

That's when I began to realize that the reason we are so awestruck at twins is because it is not 'normal' to look like someone else. Everyone is different, even these two sisters are different, maybe not so much in their physical appearance, but seriously, they are not the SAME person. That is so beautiful and wonderful that our God, the Creator of all has designed each of us to be who we are and even those who may share similar features are not the same. Wow that is just amazing to me.

I always look forward to seeing these two sisters on the bus route, they seem to really enjoy life together. How fun it would be to live and commute to work with my sisters :)

Laughter

Laughter is so beautiful. My roommate gave a passionate spill on laughter last night which opened my eyes to looking at it with a different perspective. Laughter is so genuine. It is something God uses to bind people together. It opens up one person to another (or a group). It is so beautiful.

Tonight I found myself laughing to myself out loud as I thought over a situation that happened tonight. Oh dear. I love those moments that I find myself actually laughing out loud and no one else is there. Ha ha... it is really great. But really, laughing with people is even BETTER!

We began studying the Book of Ruth at church tonight. I had forgotten for some reason that Ruth's name means friendship. We were challenged to think of what friendship means and to think of times we've not had friends. I thought of my friends. These wonderful people God has placed in my life. I love them. I hope I am a good friend. I know that my true, deep friends are those who I have been there through some really rough stuff and we have shared the craziest, most fun times too. I think the hard stuff makes us better friends. I thank God for those people who have been there through the tears and the belly-aching laughter!!

What I Dream Of

I sit here this quiet Saturday with the crisp fall air blowing through the window and the soft sun light peaking around the curtains with the whooshing sound of traffic on the expressway just behind the house across the street. My favorites on youtube are playing and all I can think of is how wonderful it is to sit here and just rest with my Savior.

Then my mind ran away. This is what I dream of, maybe I'm already on this path?

I dream of working some place where I am able to save up money to travel all over the world to visit my missionary friends and encourage them.

I dream of a little shop where I can bake and cook and spread the love of Jesus to all who enter.

I dream of a home to decorate and set up.

I dream of a man and children who fill the house with abundant joy.

I dream of doing the things I love and was created to do for the glory and honor of my Maker.

Oh Yeah!

So it just hit me: IT'S THE WEEKEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't know if I have ever been so excited for the WEEKEND than now!!

AND to top it off, I'm going to BRAZIL!!!! For Thanksgiving and for my friend Nate's wedding.... so amazing!!

I think my agenda for this amazing weekend is to cook, bake, clean, sew, craft, drink coffee and tea. Sounds like a GOOD weekend to me :)

A New Week, A New Challenge

So this week has been pretty good so far.

I guess besides falling down the stairs on Monday and having a head/chest cold, it really has been pretty good... or at least better than last week. I think that attitude adjustment stuff really worked (no, it's not a drug, just some determination!).

Then I read my email last night. Some big news hit me hard. I feel like my life is in shambles again. Confused all over again. Not sure what to do. I guess this is this week's challenge. I really honestly don't know what to do. I don't know who to talk to, I don't even know really who to contact about what! This has changed a lot of things. All I know is that when I read that email last night I had a strange, sad, sickening feeling. Sure, I don't know details, but still, what do I do when my world turns upside down a million times?? Is this the 'real' world everyone always talks about? I guess people don't always get along, even in the Christian circle, I know that, why does this seem to hit so hard and rock me even more? Maybe because I feel like someone who was a fighter for me is no longer in the position to do so. What happens now? Seriously, I don't know what to do. Thanks.

I guess God knew this would all happen too. This must have His fingerprints on it too. All I can continue to hope and cling to is that my God has me securely in His hand and He will never let me down. HE will continue to guide me. I must just take each day at a time and live my fullest for Him. I must follow in His way and listen and obey.

This Day

So I feel like I mostly blog about the little things in my day that come up, or make me smile.

Or make me frustrated or confused.

Here's a little of both I guess.

I smiled as I walked behind the two high school girls dressed in camo this morning and our feet crunched the recently fallen leaves.

I smiled at the multiple people with mis-matched outfits on the CTA... some how it is ok to wear two different stripe patterns and colors??

I smiled at the rice concoction I whipped up for Matty for lunch... and that he could not stop eating it.

I smiled as Matty laughed uncontrollably during lunch, for really no good reason, but that he wanted to laugh!

I smiled at the UPS man who came to the door while I was in the bathroom and both boys had been sleeping for a while. As I opened the door, he pointed out a rather large grasshopper, which of course did not make me flinch, but I smiled inside because I know I'm not jumpy about bugs, but he was convinced I would be freaked out.

I smiled as Micah told me he sometimes has bad dreams as he snarfed down a chocolate chip cookie after his nap. He also told me he had a dog named Kelsey once, which he tells me every time I talk about my friend Kelsey.

I smiled as the boys rocked out to their worship DVD.

I smiled as I got off of work a half hour early, and the cute guy came to the bus stop while I was waiting.

I smiled as I walked up to Moody to meet up with Kelsey & Alan.

I smiled as I got my free vanilla late from Joe's... for my dinner.

I smiled when I walked home right after the rain, with a spring in my step (maybe from the coffee??)

I smiled when I heard my friend Joel is a dad :) and when my roommate has wrote me 2 times in the last 2 days and she is so far away.

On the other side:

I think the thing that bothered me the most today was the two junior high girls on the bus who were talking about another girl sitting across from them. This girl's mom was sitting next to the two girls. I was seriously about to say something to them because I could not take it. Thankfully, the knowing mother spoke up, because I know I would not have said anything nice. She just asked the girls what grade they are in. That calmed the chatter and whispers. As I thought more about it, I realized the mother's response was so right. We are not to lash out at those who hurt us, we are to 'heap coals on their heads', that is exactly what that mother did. She did not yell at the girls to shut up or to pick on someone their own size. She just spoke to them in kindness.

This was so powerful to witness. I came away from that with a little reality check: do I do the same thing those girls do? Talk about people? Why? And then, what do I do when I see something wrong? Do I step in with negative defense or positive defense?? I know what I WANT to respond to, but I think the human side is much more naturally my response.

Something is Missing

I have this strong desire and longing to be a wife and a mom. I have always wanted this, but I feel like this desire has increased so much in the last few months. I know it is not only because of being with children 40+ hours a week, or the fact that most of my friends are married and are starting to have kids, but I know that part of it is because of the stage of life I'm in. I'm at the point in life that people start families.

But something is missing. I can't just wake up tomorrow and be a wife & mom. Something essential is missing.

A man.

But really, not just any man. That man. The one who exists somewhere, or so I hope.

I hope my desire to be a wife and mom is not just selfish, I want to think that I want to do life with a man and be his helper. And serve God at a greater capacity because of joining life with another person.

Maybe one day. For now, I'll just have to be "Aunt Rebecca" or "Auntie Reb" or "Aunt Bek" to all the little ones coming into this world because of my wonderful friends who are a little further down the road of 'starting a family'. I can be thankful for that and enjoy it.

I'll just wait. Maybe the day will come where I too will have a little one and that big, strong man to look after and care for and share life with.

Lord, be with him now, wherever he is.

Phone Call

My phone rang earlier tonight, a little baffled, I looked, thinking it was a text, no, it said "mom calling". I picked it up and said "hi mom", but was a little worried because I could not think of why she would be calling me and then began running my mind over the possibilities of bad things that could have happened that she would be calling about. And then I heard, "its not mom". That deep voice could only be my baby brother. Oh dear.

Pete called to tell me something, and after about 10 minutes of his laughter, jokes, translating what dad was saying in the background, I finally pulled it out of him.

He called to tell me that he was selected to be an attendant for homecoming at his high school. He said that dad has called him King Peter since he found out. Pete said that he didn't even tell dad right away and now dad has just run away with this. They were all just laughing and having so much fun. Really, I was so happy to hear them!

Pete then went on to explain what all the dress up days are for this coming week for Homecoming. I asked him if he & Sam are dressing up, he didn't sound too thrilled about it. I tried to convince him that he is only in high school now, he can't go back, he needs to live it up and have some fun now! Make some memories and come up with some stories to tell his children one day.

I hope he dresses up. I hope dad takes pictures.

Let's just say I'm one proud sister. Those boys are amazing. I seriously love them so much. I can't believe they're in high school and not tottering around in diapers with squirt guns and running to their 'boys only' fort in the back yard. When did they get so big and change so much?

I hope they follow hard after God. I hope that they always have a character about them that draws people to them and to God. I hope they are a testimony of who Jesus is to all they encounter. I love those boys!

Chocolat

I just watched this movie for the first time tonight and I am totally inspired to enjoy every moment of life and to love others as who they are, to take them as they are and find the good in everyone. To be Christ to those who are looked passed.

My heart is so full. I cannot contain the feeling inside of me. It is not just from this movie, but also through the deep conversations I've had with close friends in the last 24 hours. I cannot explain what the Body of Christ has done for me in the past few hours. I am so encouraged and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I belong to Him and there is a future for me way beyond my imagination.

I simply want to serve my God with all that I am. I want to use the gifts He has given me to show His love to all who I encounter. I want to cook meals and open my home. I want to use food to draw people together and allow for conversations to flow and real issues to pour out onto the table. I want the hurts and pains and reality of life of those around me to be exposed because of the Love of Christ that can heal all and that can redeem all. I want to help the hurting and the broken. I want to listen and laugh. I want to serve and love. I want to bake, cook, and sew.

I don't want to be bound to some strict decree of dos and don'ts. I want to live in the freedom of Christ that I have. I want this freedom to be experienced by all. I will live for Him and obey Him. I will serve Him. I want to worship Him with the things He has made me good at. He is to be honored through the life He has given me.

Transition/Changing Times

This week has brought about something new.

Something in the air.

What I sense is that this 'waiting' season, or maybe even a part of it is coming to an end. I was hit with some clear direction on Monday. I am not at a point where I can disclose this revelation on my blog, but I know some steps that must be taken in the next few days/weeks(?). This is what I have been praying for!

Yesterday and today have been attitude adjustment days as well as very prayerful. Thursday means Micah is at school in the morning, so I anticipate more time for prayer & time in the Word, which is exciting. I will be praying for the Lord to help me and guide me in these decisions I'm faced with as there is some obvious direction even as I met with my 'pastor' and his wife tonight. They helped confirm a lot of things that I've been wrestling with for a while. They were so encouraging and helpful.

I'm excited. There is hope, I am not stuck in one place, no, no, no, God is bigger than that. He wants me to be happy, and He wants me to use my strengths and giftings to further His kingdom. Part of what I've been challenging myself with the last few months is to try to determine what I am good at and thoroughly enjoy doing. And yes, there has been a non-recorded list running through my head. I am thankful for the circumstances these last few months that have helped me realize some of these things. Some of these have been certain people in my life, my current job, trips I've taken, and what I've done on the weekends (or in my free time).

God remains faithful. Even when I'm down and discouraged, He is faithful. He will give me the strength to endure the rough stuff and continue through this 'waiting season'. HE has a plan better than I can imagine, and probably way different than I could ever think up! (yay!!)

Dirty Selfishness

I hate leaving Moody. I Hate it. I hate leaving it alone, I just hate it.

That is the constant banter that was running through my mind tonight at 9:00 when I was leaving campus after meeting up with a friend.

As I sat waiting for the bus, I began to feel sorry for myself, wondering why I could not think of some guy friend to ask to either take me home or help me out. Then I realized that all throughout this day I have done this incredibly selfish thing.

See, the thing is I LOVE to serve others. I really really love doing this. I love to make others feel loved by me doing anything that I can to help them out. I love love love to help others.

But as I thought about my day, all I did was constantly turn down help or other people's offers to serve me. I was thinking that I would be inconveniencing them if I took them up on their offers, or if I asked for help. Then it occurred to me that maybe, just maybe God gave these other people the same love and desire to serve others and I'm being so selfish to not allow them to do what they love. That is just terrible.

So I guess now I'm challenging myself to think differently. The next time I'm offered food, what am I going to do? Take it with a thankful heart? The next time I'm at Moody and headed home, will I seek out help?

I know that I need people, why do I have to be so selfish to shut them out or not take their help or offers?

Lord, even You were fed by others, even You had friends who were with you after the crowds left and the business slowed down. Even You let other people serve You. Please teach me to serve by letting others serve too. All for Your Glory, my King!

My Redeemer Lives

Today I am reminded of the simple fact that God is Just and He Redeems even the most dark and hurtful things.

I don't know or pretend to understand how God works concerning time in the human conception of it, but He is sovereign. I saw that today.

I feel like my world has been shattered and I am lost, left on the side of the road, tattered, torn, broken, bruised, abused, used, manipulated, and left to die.

But then I realize, I'm not standing there alone. NO, this One is standing by me, He looks much worse than I do, and I know who He is, I've seen Him before. He reaches out to me and says, "I look this way and endure this for YOU. Because I LOVE YOU. I will NEVER leave YOU. YOU belong to ME, I still love YOU regardless of the beating you have taken and the mistakes you have made. YOU are MINE. Trust Me, My child." And with that, all I can do is bury my head in His bloody chest and cry as I cast it all into His arms again.

As the tears still fall, He lifts my chin, and looks into my eyes, grabs my hand and says "I give you HOPE. Keep walking, but with Me this time. Don't run ahead. Keep your eyes on Me. I will not fail you. I LOVE YOU."

It hurts to walk, the pain is still there, but I am somehow able to start down the road again because of Him, because He is there, holding my hand, and I'm looking into His eyes.

Country Roads

Oh how refreshing it was to get in my grandma's car yesterday and look out and see the wide open spaces. There is no humidity here. I LOVE IT! It was so wonderful to see farms as we drove to her house. Cows grazing in the fields and tractors parked by barns. I thought over and over again yesterday, "I really am a country girl..." I just love it so much.

The majesty of the mountains struck me as Heidi & I drove to our parent's house tucked away at the foot of the Grand Mesa. Those twisty, windy roads reveal a new surprise of rocks or trees around each bend. Oh the beauty of the wildflowers that grow in abundance on the side of the highway. Really breathtaking.

I feel so loved by my Avant family this week. I am thankful for those who care for me and are my friends. You guys have encouraged me beyond explaination, and yesterday again, I was abruptly reminded of that.

I couldn't help but think about how much I love to travel yesterday as we drove those windy country roads. I just love being in transit. I love going places. But not so much sight seeing, I love to go and talk with people. SO much. So then my question that rang in my head was, "how can this love and passion be a part of what I end up doing?" IS there an option to just travel around to countless places in this world and visit with people? I would LOVE that beyond any other occupation I think.

Last random thought... as my family & I walked up to my brother's game, we walked by the BBQ dinner the FFA chapter was putting on before the game. I had to laugh to myself at the sight, the straw bales used as seats and the ply wood for tables... I almost took a picture to show my Chicago friends, but I knew that would be just ridiculous to pull out my camera for such a shot. It was quite refreshing to see those country people gathering together just like I'm used to.

I got my nachos at the game and was astounded that both of my brothers started on the varsity football team! Way to go! The team won 12-7. I am so proud of those two boys. They are incredible. The weirdest thing of all last night was realizing how much I just don't fit in at all. I sat with our 'adopted' grandparents, and little sister who is in college. I don't know where I belong, I'm not in high school, I'm not in college, I'm not a parent, I don't really know what I am. I don't really feel like an adult... am I?

My Grandmas

Today was my grandma's 77th birthday. She recently climbed one of the harder 14,000 ft mountains in Colorado. She is amazing. Her love for people and strong spirit drive her to do many many things. She is competitive, and caring. She loves to compete even to make more blankets than last year for those in need. Or knit more sweaters for the less fortunate in her city than the previous year. She never gives up. She has always told me to figure out what I want to do and just go for it, never to listen or be swayed by others. She would say to believe in myself, that I can do anything I put my mind to. She would also tell us that if we got down from the table while eating, that meant we were done and could not return for that meal.

My other grandma will be 80 at the end of the month. She is picking me up at the airport on Friday. She is a strong, strong, wise woman. She is smart and very helpful. One of the most hospitable and caring people I know. She loves to always have goodies pouring out of every little space of her kitchen... when I was a kid my dad always told me to take it easy on the sweets when we were at her house! :)

She taught me some of the fun kids songs I know, like 'Ten in the Bed'. She also was the queen of saying "Only take a little food to start, you can always come back for more." So true. I think of her often when I'm working with children, especially preschool aged children because she was a preschool teacher for a long time. Mom always told me that I take after her in my physical form, I have her teeth and her feet, as well of course, her height! While my older sister got our other grandma's features.

The thing that sticks out to me is the years these women have devoted to helping and caring for other people. They have both had sick husbands, and one has even lost her husband. They have both raised amazing children and have been blessed with many grandchildren.

I cannot help but wonder the spiritual state of the hearts of these women. It is my heart's desire and what I long for to know these women do not serve in vain, but really do serve the Lord. I pray that they really do know the truth and are not just 'good' people. I pray for boldness in sharing with them the realness of how my life has been transformed. I pray for the conversations to come with these wonderful women I respect so much, take my words Lord and let Your love flow!

Gentlemen

After work I made the long hour and a half trek to Moody to meet up with an Avant friend for dinner.

I was waiting for my second bus, finally it came, I scooted my way to a comfortable spot between other standing people, and did my normal 'scan' over the bus, just to familiarize myself with those also on the bus and so that my radar is aware of any sketchy such individuals who I need to avoid. (ok, I never actually think all of that through, it is more just a natural thing as I step onto the bus or el).

My eyes caught on a familiar face. I gasped "Jon!!". We exchanged hellos, and he being the gentleman he always is, offered me his seat. As we caught up and the bus got close to Moody, Jon said "I'll just walk you to Moody." So sweet. He then crossed the street with me and opened the door for me. I was so happy to run into him today!

Then had dinner with Josh, who I am so thankful for and the big brother input and advice he gave tonight, much needed! I appreciate him and Meghan so much in my life, especially in the last two months. You guys have been such an encouragement and help to me, probably more than you know. Thank you!

As I was then leaving Moody, I saw Adam. Oh dear Adam. He greeted me with a big hug and wanted to know what I'm up to now. I told him about my run-in with Jon on the bus, to which he decided that the three of us need to hang out just like 'old times' before Jon leaves. To which of course I would be delighted to reunite with two of the boys from the back row of Hebrews class last fall. I guess I just missed Sam today, oh well, he's getting married soon, that's good. These three guys are some of the top gentlemen around, seriously. I am honored that they would allow me to sit with them for an entire semester. I am sure it is not because of them I flunked that class, I'm sure it was more the fact of my lack of discipline. I probably learned more from them in that class than from any of the textbook I did read.

Thank You Lord for these gentlemen who have really just encouraged me today. You have given me such wonderful friends. Help me to be a good friend in return, please!

The Little Things

Today was one of those days. one of those GOOD days.

Because my God is so good, I was able to relish in the beauty around me and find rest and refreshment in Him today.

I woke up and one of my roommates made me coffee. My other roommate brought me a muffin yesterday, so I ate that (for lunch-ish).

Then I proceeded to watch Sweet Home Alabama in my PJs and ate some pancakes, dried mango, and almonds. SO nice to just not have to do anything.

I jumped into the shower, and then whipped up some brownies for church.

It amazes me how simply putting on a skirt, wearing a cute top, applying mascara, and wearing my hair different can just make my day a little happier!! Even though it was pushing 90 (or more??) outside, I looked cute & felt cute! :)

Church was incredible. I love these people so much. I love how vulnerable the environment is when we gather. There were times tonight catching up specifically with Alan, Cory, Kelsey & May that I felt very uncomfortable. But they listened on and even prayed with me. I just love them. I'm glad they are all back. I missed them so much. We all miss Nate so much too. And T&T. These wonderful people have helped me see more clearly who God is.

The last little thing that I get to end my day with is mind blowing. I did not want to move from Franson (the building I lived at this summer), I thought it was the most logical place for me to live, because of the incredible opportunity to continue building into the lives of the kids I worked with last year with our church. But tonight I learned that the one girl I have the closest relationship with through our little church body lives closer to me out here at my new home than the previous place! God does know what He is doing when He had me move out here. I just hope He finds me faithful in being intentional with her to help her grow in her faith too. Oh how I desire this so badly! Lord use me to be a light to her and to love on her. Teach me through her more of who You are and how much You love.

My God is Good. HE provides. His goodness can be seen all around us. I want to so badly rejoice in the small things. Today could be 'the last day', did I live for Him alone today? Will I chose to live for Him tomorrow and rejoice in what He has for me? Will I walk into work tomorrow with joy because of who He is and not dwell so much on all that I don't like? Lord, keep me focused on YOU.

Thirsty Guy from Florida

After a delightful time of catching up with my good, Godly friend Evan this morning, I went to the thrift store that is close to the little coffee shop we were at. I picked up a few books for a few cents each and proceeded to the check out line.

Standing there, the following conversation took place with the guy behind me:

Thirsty guy: Excuse me, your height is just so cute to me. I mean like, wow, how tall or you know, how 'short' are you?

Me (knowing that sometimes people think this type of thing to me is offensive, even though I don't even think about how 'short' I really am): Well, I'm not offended, and I'm 4'10".

Thirsty guy: Wow. Ok, so wow, your boyfriend must be like (and he raises his hands up high).

Me (thinking, um yeah, duh all the guy's I've dated have been taller than me...): Well, I don't have a boyfriend...

Thirsty guy: Oh oh ok, yeah, that's what I was wondering. So you live around here?

Me: yes. Do you?

Thirsty guy: Yeah, I just moved here from Florida. My buddies and I are trying to get that couch over there because we want to have a party and need a place for people to sit. Could you give me your number so I can call you?

Me (a little shocked): Um, I don't give out my number to strangers (!!).

I then turned around because it was (thankfully) my turn to pay at the register.

Thirsty guy: Oh ok. Yeah, I understand, I understand one thousand percent.

Wow. I could only laugh at this when I walked out the store and said "have a good day" over my shoulder.

I have NEVER had some random person hit on me like that or even ask for my number. I've been hollered at and such, but never a situation like this.

I am not sure if I should be complimented that some guy thought I looked 'cute', or if I should be insulted that that is the type of guy that is attracted to me. :( Gag.

I thought afterwords how it would have been so funny to have given him my dad's number. Haha. Or even one of my guy friends. Should I be more prepared for situations like that and come up with something better to say? Do I just look easy and that's why he hit on me? I hope not, that's not what I am intending at all when I go places!

Honestly, to me that guy was not even a man. I don't care how old or young he is, he is not a man. A real man would never do that. I'm not interested in some guy who has to ask girls out in thrift stores. I kind of feel sorry for him that that is what his life consists of.

Thank You Lord for the confidence to stand up and be strong in this situation today and for Your protection over me each day!

Psalm 23

Loneliness and self-pity have been the sins I found myself guilty of this day.

What a mockery to my Savior and my God that I am too wrapped up in feeling sorry for myself to acknowledge the One who is always with me and who is the One who will not let me down. He knows me more deeply than anyone on this earth, yet some reason I desire to be with others more than with Him? Why? Forgive me O You, the Lover of my soul!

Tonight as I walked back from taking my dear friend Kira to the train, I began down that path of feeling sorry for myself again because I was there all alone, walking down those dark streets at 11:45 pm... when the words of Psalm 23 that I memorized in the KJV as a child rang through my head. I repeated it over and over, soon I was saying it out loud. Repeating verse after verse. Growing in confidence and believing the statements as I walked along.

What a comfort and what a declaration this Psalm is. Even more so since being in Israel and seeing the paths that sheep walk along, and hearing stories of shepherds. I understand how much sheep need a shepherd because I have raised sheep. I am a sheep and God is my Shepherd. That is the most perfect picture of who God is and how much He cares for me and how much I reject Him or forget that He is ALWAYS there. I'm stupid, it doesn't make sense to me. But the Shepherd is smarter than His sheep, He watches out for their every need, every need. He LEADS.

Read this, slowly, even in the KJV, there is just something about it.

Psalm 23

1 The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.

2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

Commuting Thoughts

The man who was still digging his lawn up this morning on my walk to work. He was there last night too. Sod is still laying outside his fence. He was using the wrong shovel... maybe that's what is taking him so long?

I saw a cat chasing a bird yesterday. Made me smile.

A little boy smiled at me as I walked to work today, that really made me happy.

On the train, I couldn't help but notice all the plots of land that are sandwiched between houses that would make great vegetable gardens... but alas, they are all overgrown with weeds or old, dead cars.

More and more men these days have their noses pierced.

People who ride bikes here are crazy.

I always hope that people can't see me looking at them if I have my sunglasses on.

Some man waved frantically at me when I got on the bus today, I racked my mind trying to remember if he was a 'regular' on that route.

The Gospel should be in the Red Eye because EVERYONE reads that in the morning. Seriously, EVERYONE.

I love when little babies get on the bus and smile at me. One little one did this today, her hair was in a little pony tail, sticking STRAIGHT up... she was too cute.

I'm trying to sit up straight for the two hours I'm traveling during my day. It worked today.

I love bilingual children and overhearing their mothers speak to them and then the response is in another language.

I know more Spanish than I thought. I could hear the basics in a conversation today, that was encouraging.

Some people really probably should not wear skirts or dresses.

One man on my morning route seriously wears the same thing every day, and one of the essentials is a green fishing vest... no, he isn't even old, he's probably late 20's early 30's. With a LONG pony tail... longer than I've ever had.

In this neighborhood it I am so out of place because I do not have tattoos all over my body... or even one.

I wonder about these people who are my fellow commuters. What are their lives like? Do these business people enjoy their jobs? Do they feel stuck in an endless routine?

I don't think I always want to do the same job Monday thru Friday 9-5 for the rest of my life. I think that would get old. I guess I do need change.

Iron

Proverbs 27:17 (yes, in the good ole NKJV) :)
As iron sharpens iron,
So a man sharpens the countenance of his friend.

I thought today about what has transpired in the last three months for me. So much, but today I focused on two people who God has used over the last few years to shape me into who I am today.



This is a picture of Nate & I back-in-the-day when we first really started hanging out ALL THE TIME.

He stretched me and challenged me more than any other guy on this earth ever has. I am so thankful for his friendship, company, and all the learning we got to do together. He is such a good brother and man of God. I said good-bye to him back in June. Oh but the memories remain. Many, many memories. How could I not remember him? He is the one I shared PCM, work, church, and the majority of my classes with, how could I not miss him?

I'm praising the Lord right now, he just got engaged this weekend, and I could not be happier... I KNOW this man NEEDS a wife... lol

Then today...

....aaaarrrrgggggggggg....

.....today.....

Has it hit me yet??

No.

Will it?

Probably. :( However, it may take a bit.



Today this beautiful, wonderful, amazing, Godly woman left me.

I lugged her 100lb suitcase down three flights of stairs in my PJ's and gave her a brief hug at 7am this morning. That was our good-bye. Will I see her again? I have no idea on this side of Heaven, that's for sure.

Shannon has been one of the most sharpening people I've ever been with. I did life with her for the last two years at least. She has challenged me in virtually every way of my life, thinking, and doing things. Seriously, from hanging out with people of other cultures, to not letting the air out of a zip-lock bag... she has stretched me time and time again out of my comfort zone and forced me to be less selfish. I don't think she realizes half the time the stretching the Lord uses through her in my life, but few people in my life affect me like she does.

So I guess the grieving begins (or continues) as I begin to process and adjust to two of my closest friends moving on with their lives. I cannot help but wonder who will be the next person in my life God will use to sharpen and mold me? Will I be willing to allow someone else in at that level?

Oh Lord, please make me Iron in someone else's life, and help me allow others to be the iron I need too.