Mom & Trust

So today I have spent many hours by myself. Which is fine, just lots of time to think. I watched a movie this morning and then all I have been able to think about for the rest of the day has been about one day being a mom. And although that is very scary, it is also very appealing. I think it sounds like such a privilege to be allowed to carry life into this world and grow them up into followers of Christ. I want to be a theology mom. I want my children to begin learning how to do theology from day one. I want them to think of others and love like Jesus. I want to have little boys and girls to hug close and teach the practical things of life. I want to be the busy mom who has to take the kids here and there, organize birthdays, wipe tears, sooth during sickness, and play in the mud. I want to have to fold laundry, clean and decorate a house.

I think of all these things and then remember that a man is kinda needed for this all to take place. And as much as I want there to be a man, I am so scared.

As I examined myself today, my trust in men is so so so low. I don't really trust them to be more than friends any more. That is so sad. I don't know, I guess it will be an act of God if I do actually get to be a wife and a mom one day. All I can imagine is that possibly I could marry a good friend...then a lot of trust would already be there. But is that possible?

Oh God, take these fears and all these things I want. I may never get any of the things I wrote about here, and if that is for Your glory, may it be so. I ask though that if it is Your will please may I have these things? Draw me close to You, help me to never lose sight of You. Let me watch as You guide me through this life You have given me.