Searching

Today I was looking for something.

I left the apartment this morning with a set place to go. I went, it passed, and I found myself not wanting to go home or even go to the store by myself.

I just walked around and hung out with people who happened to just sit and talk or not really do what they had planned.

I felt lame. I felt lame because I knew that if I went home I would go nuts because I wanted to be with people, but there were no people at home. Then I felt more lame that the only place I could think of that has people, all of those people are busy and have homework. But I hung out for over 12 hours there today. I was searching for something.

I don't think I found it, but I was searching for something. I don't know if what I was searching for can be fulfilled by anyone but God Himself. I know that part of what I was searching for today was to be understood and just have company. I was surrounded by friends, yes, but I guess tonight I realized that I 'know' many people, but there are few who actually understand me.

I was searching today to be understood. I saw this over and over again as I look back and reflect on the conversations I had today. I just wanted to be heard and understood. Which is something that probably every person wants. I realized that the people who really get me and understand me are those that I value friendship with the most.

On the other hand however, I realize that my searching for understanding today was rather selfish because again, as I recall those encounters I had with so many people today, I just wanted my voice to be heard more than I wanted to sit and listen to the people talking to me. I would not slow down my thinking and stop my revolving world to listen and show that I care to the ones who needed to be heard and understood too. I'm so selfish.