Sunday, March 27, 2011

Comfort and Christ

Who doesn't like to be comfortable?

My friends tease me all the time about how I just relax in my jeans and shirt or whatever outfit I've had on all day. Apparently that's not 'comfortable' in their minds. I'm fine with that, but really my point is not the difference of my friends & I with our relaxation clothing; instead I want to talk about how we all want comfort at some level.

Recently I have been challenged by the Spirit that I am comfortable. My life is surrounded by the comfort of believers. I live and work with people who are following after Christ and living for Him.

Ok, piece of cake, no big deal, whatever you may be thinking. I know I think that over and over again too. Sure I see people regularly and briefly interface with individuals in my building, however I have not branched out and shown the Love of Christ to them, I have not made the effort to be different than the rest of the walled-world around us. I guess I find that even just saying hi or making the effort to put others first in those brief interactions is not 'comfortable' for me and instead of doing what Christ would do, I avoid it altogether and conform to the rest of the world around me.

A few weeks ago, one of the leaders of my church asked me if I have gotten to know people in my building, I shamefully said no. I actually hadn't even thought of it.

Last night I came home from a wonderful Christ-centered wedding. Upon entering my building, checking my mail and casually greeting the door man, I attempted to go to my apartment--like normal, right? Then he stopped me. The door man, the one person I have met and interfaced with the most intentionality (mostly because he is extremely good looking and ALWAYS greets me by first name), he stopped me. He asked me where I am from because he had noticed my Carhart coat and knew I wasn't a Chicago girl. We then talked for about 10 minutes and eventually conversation came to Christianity and church. The conversation flowed so smoothly and I was nervous just because of that! I did not want to hide who the person of Christ is to me, but this was not comfortable either!

My friend came down into the lobby as we were talking, so our conversation ended, but as I went back to my apartment, I was more challenged in this area the Spirit has been working on me. My friend and I spoke for a long while about our fear in sharing the Gospel because of our own lack of faith or distrust of God. The conclusion we came to is that our lives should be examples of Christ. That is truly what I want, to be radiating Christ through my daily life and every interaction with anyone. I want it to be obvious that I follow Him, but not annoyingly so, I want it to be pure, real love of Christ. That come as you are type of love that is warm and welcoming, not condemning and in your face a turn off.

I hope that there are more conversations to come with this door man. I am challenged more now to be intentional with him as well as speak up in a loving way to others I see regularly in order to shine the love of Jesus.

Comfort, is not something high on the list of following Christ. I don't think we need to trash it all together, because honestly, sometimes in cultural situations that would not be appropriate at all, but there does need to be a sense in our personal lives that we are being stretched and challenged to not be so comfortable that we ignore sharing the Greatest News of all, that of Jesus Christ and the freeing life He gives.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Sing Prasies

I just really want to sing to my King!
For a good portion of the day I sat at my desk working on projects that have been waiting for a long time to be touched. Because of this, my music was on for a few hours!! But I got to the point where I just really wanted to be surrounded by many other followers and just declaring praise to our God.

Maybe I feel this way because we didn't have music worship time on Sunday at church, maybe I am having withdrawals after almost a whole year since being a student at Moody and attending required chapel at least 3 times a week with singing worship at nearly every one.

Right now I just want to be lost in crazy worship before my King. I want to sing and shout His praise and declare the truth about Him at the top of my lungs. I want to stand among the others who love Him and sing it wild!

Saturday, March 19, 2011

When I Grow Up

So when I was a little girl I dreamed of being a mommy. Seriously. My favorite past time with my sister Ruth was what we called "both moms". I don't remember how it all worked, but our imaginations ran wild. We would play mommies to our baby dolls, who had hand made clothes --even diapers-- from our mom. Our mom played as 'grandma' to our babies and sometimes 'grandma' would allow for these precious imagined beings to join us at the table for lunch.

That desire has to be the one that has been there the longest, to be a wife and a mom.

Sometime in my later childhood another aspiration came about during our church's missions week. I really felt God tugging at my heart to be a missionary.

For a while I thought this meant I would be a missionary doctor/nurse in Indonesia. As I began high school and realized each school year how much I disliked school, the reality of a medical future became very small and non-existent. The summer after I graduated high school and was denied to the one college I wanted to attend, I had a melt-down with my parents and told them that I did not want to go to school. All I wanted was to be a wife and mom. (However, there was not a man in the picture to speak of at all!) With the wisdom and patience of my wonderful parents, they kindly advised and directed me to continue pursuing college, if for nothing else, the experience and the importance to be 'educated' today.

The spring after that conversation with my parents I found myself all alone in a big city, at that school I wanted to attend, and pursuing a degree in International Ministry. Little did I know at that point in my life that being at this new place my life was on the way to incredible adventures. And there life lessons came that were so valuable as well as unforgettable relationships.

That was four years ago. Hard to believe that so much time has past since my parents left me here that cold January.

I guess I'd like to think that I have things more figured out now about what I am doing with my life. However, I feel even more uncertain of my future now that I am as some would say 'grown up'. I guess it could be said that there are some 'hang-ups' when I look at the dreams I have:

What I know to be true is that childhood desire to be a wife and mom is still there, although, maybe a little less fantasized.--the hang up I see here is this desire is not one I want to do alone, and there is no man in the present

I still have the pulling on my heart to see the people and places of the world, reaching the lost with the Good News.--the hang up here is I don't know at what capacity. I guess I always just pictured myself as a missionary wife, helping my husband with his work, wherever in the world that may be.

So I guess in summing it all up, these are still the things I want to do when I grow up. Not really sure what to do in the present, except for patiently wait and try to seek to know God more and more each day. Live for Him and trust in His timing. Much easier to write here than to live out.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Good Night My Someone

"Welcome home! I made you dinner!"

I long for the day when I can say that to you.

I look forward to the times we can sit together and laugh and cry.

I look forward to seeing your eyes when I stand before you in a white dress and begin a life of serving our God together.

I look forward to learning with you through the thick and the thin.

I look forward to each new day with the challenges that will come and the joy in the end.

I don't know where you are, and I know this sounds cheesy, but I plead before the throne of God for you. I don't know where you are or if we're years away from crossing paths. But I look forward to that day. Pray for me, I need patience, this waiting thing has been rough, but I wait in hope that it will all be worth it in the end, that you are definitely a gift from Above, that doing life with you will help us both bring more glory to our Father and demonstrate His love for all.

Good night my someone, wherever you are.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Failure: In Who's Eyes?

This is how I have been viewing myself the last 24 hours, the definition according to dictionary.com:
Failure
–noun
1.
an act or instance of failing or proving unsuccessful; lack of success: His effort ended in failure. the campaign was a failure.
2.
nonperformance of something due, required, or expected: a failure to do what one has promised; a failure to appear.
3.
a subnormal quantity or quality; an insufficiency: the failure of crops.
4.
deterioration or decay, especially of vigor, strength, etc.: The failure of her health made retirement necessary.


But really, in the eyes of God, I am the farthest from that.
Psalm 139

1 O LORD, You have searched me and known me.

2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
You understand my thought from afar.

3 You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.

4 Even before there is a word on my tongue,
Behold, O LORD, You know it all.

5 You have enclosed me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is too high, I cannot attain to it.

7 Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?

8 If I ascend to heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there.

9 If I take the wings of the dawn,
If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,

10 Even there Your hand will lead me,
And Your right hand will lay hold of me.

11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will overwhelm me,
And the light around me will be night,”

12 Even the darkness is not dark to You,
And the night is as bright as the day.
Darkness and light are alike to You.

13 For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother’s womb.

14 I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.

15 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;

16 Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them.

17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

18 If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand.
When I awake, I am still with You.

19 O that You would slay the wicked, O God;
Depart from me, therefore, men of bloodshed.

20 For they speak against You wickedly,
And Your enemies take Your name in vain.

21 Do I not hate those who hate You, O LORD?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?

22 I hate them with the utmost hatred;
They have become my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me and know my anxious thoughts;

24 And see if there be any hurtful way in me,
And lead me in the everlasting way.



Those are the words that are the truth and speak to my utmost inner being. Words of a more passionate and intimate love than any earthly relationship.

My goal during this current trial and struggle, is to enjoy the fullness of the presence of God. I am learning what that means. I know He is stretching me, and bringing me back to confidence in who He is and that He will take care of me.

I want to find joy unexplainable that is only rooted in Him and knowing Him more.

Teach me more about You, my Father!

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Real Learning

I feel like I have been learning more in the past almost year I've been out of school than I did the 4 years I was there. New challenges have faced me almost daily that have forced me to learn how to respond or react.

New fears have developed. And I am once again reminded by those in my life that we all have insecurities. I am learning more about myself, realizing more every day how selfish I am and how much I think the world revolves around me in my thoughts, mostly when I spend so much time worrying about what people think of me, and how I probably annoy the heck out of virtually everyone I interact with. How silly though! They probably in all honesty are thinking about themselves too, and wrestling silently inside with their own insecurities. How encouraging!

Why do I feel like I have to prove myself to people?

Today in conversation with a friend, the truth that has been rolling around in my head finally was verbalized. I wrote it a few weeks ago in my journal, but today I was able to put some vocal words to it. I don't know what this means, and I don't know what the results will be. Maybe I'll blog about that in a different post sometime...

The biggest thing I'm learning as of late is that no matter if I'm single or not, I have to believe that Christ is sufficient in my life to take care of me, meet my every need, never leave me, and that He will always be enough. If at some point a man and I find our selves on this path called life together, we will both have to have that faith, faith to believe that Christ is enough, because neither of us sinful people will be sufficient or meet the expectations fully of the other.

The struggle is that I have doubts. I believe all of that to be true, I just am struggling to believe it and live it. I pray my faith would increase. Faith for each new day. Faith for the moment. Faith, simply believing God is who He says He is and trusting in that, even though I don't understand it completely.