When I Grow Up

So when I was a little girl I dreamed of being a mommy. Seriously. My favorite past time with my sister Ruth was what we called "both moms". I don't remember how it all worked, but our imaginations ran wild. We would play mommies to our baby dolls, who had hand made clothes --even diapers-- from our mom. Our mom played as 'grandma' to our babies and sometimes 'grandma' would allow for these precious imagined beings to join us at the table for lunch.

That desire has to be the one that has been there the longest, to be a wife and a mom.

Sometime in my later childhood another aspiration came about during our church's missions week. I really felt God tugging at my heart to be a missionary.

For a while I thought this meant I would be a missionary doctor/nurse in Indonesia. As I began high school and realized each school year how much I disliked school, the reality of a medical future became very small and non-existent. The summer after I graduated high school and was denied to the one college I wanted to attend, I had a melt-down with my parents and told them that I did not want to go to school. All I wanted was to be a wife and mom. (However, there was not a man in the picture to speak of at all!) With the wisdom and patience of my wonderful parents, they kindly advised and directed me to continue pursuing college, if for nothing else, the experience and the importance to be 'educated' today.

The spring after that conversation with my parents I found myself all alone in a big city, at that school I wanted to attend, and pursuing a degree in International Ministry. Little did I know at that point in my life that being at this new place my life was on the way to incredible adventures. And there life lessons came that were so valuable as well as unforgettable relationships.

That was four years ago. Hard to believe that so much time has past since my parents left me here that cold January.

I guess I'd like to think that I have things more figured out now about what I am doing with my life. However, I feel even more uncertain of my future now that I am as some would say 'grown up'. I guess it could be said that there are some 'hang-ups' when I look at the dreams I have:

What I know to be true is that childhood desire to be a wife and mom is still there, although, maybe a little less fantasized.--the hang up I see here is this desire is not one I want to do alone, and there is no man in the present

I still have the pulling on my heart to see the people and places of the world, reaching the lost with the Good News.--the hang up here is I don't know at what capacity. I guess I always just pictured myself as a missionary wife, helping my husband with his work, wherever in the world that may be.

So I guess in summing it all up, these are still the things I want to do when I grow up. Not really sure what to do in the present, except for patiently wait and try to seek to know God more and more each day. Live for Him and trust in His timing. Much easier to write here than to live out.