Sunny Wind

I definitely had a melt down the other night. Pretty sure it all just crashed in when I realized that I would be working over 50 hours this week with 6 kids, all 3 and under. And none of them are my own kids. The three 3 year-olds are boys, and all of them are stubborn. Thankfully one of the little ones is a girl, nice to have pink and play gentle, and cuddle.

In the cab as I came home tonight I reflected on my week and the things that I am thankful for despite doing something I do not necessarily enjoy at all. One of these being that I have an opportunity to observe three families all at very similar life stages of raising children and I get to observe very closely how they live and deal with real issues. That is a true gift! I doubt my parents had such insight into raising children. Sometimes I think that I could begin writing a book about 'babysitting' or parenting, but then I realize, I'm missing out on the most important part, actually having my own children to raise! ha!

Anyhow, I'm so thankful for these three families, trusting me to watch their precious children. That is huge. I can't imagine how stressful and agonizing it is to walk away from those dear ones and trust that someone will just take care of them while one is out. Wow.

I'm thankful for incorporating Godly values and lessons into daily life and interactions with others. This is mostly what keeps me sane.

I am thankful for roommates who listen to me babble when I get home from work because I have not talked to anyone over the age of 3 for over 15 minutes in um... well, I don't know how long? The night before when I told my roommates goodnight?? yeah... this is probably one of the hardest things about doing what I do. I need face time with people and have conversations and process things verbally, and be understood, and well, that just doesn't happen with a 3 year old!

I am thankful for the weekends. I am thankful for the thrift store to go searching with my dear friend and find things that should cost a lot more than what we paid for. I love being treated to starbucks by said friend and chatting in the cool autumn breeze and simply relaxing! And then to be told as he leaves that he bragged to his friends he got to hang out with a college graduate... haha I think that made my day!

I'm thankful for an apartment and again, wonderful wonderful roommates who took me to Ikea for my first time today and then waited for me to get my hot dogs and then dropped me off at my next job. Then they so kindly took all my findings to my room for me. Oh they are a blessing in my life. I love to laugh with them and I am so encouraged by their lives.

Anyhow, all that to say I did not intend to give a recap of my day for this post, but I guess now it is what it is.

However, I did want to say, for me it is so easy to look at my 'bad' days as just rainy days, where the sun never comes out to shine. Well, tonight I am trying to re-think that and put my life into perspective a little more: I have not been given these opportunities with these 6 kids and 50+ hours of work for no reason, it isn't just rain. Rather, I'd like to think of it like a day where the wind blows, and gosh, it isn't fun, no, it is rather a pain, but even on those windy days the sun can and does still shine.

What's up with the blues?

Who do I cry to when there is no one?

I want so badly to talk to a person who would truly understand me or just listen. But I am too afraid to because I feel like tonight if I sought out anyone to vent at I would suddenly find myself being so so so selfish and only talking about myself and not interested at all about the other person. What a terrible friend I am.

I want to talk about how crummy I feel and the doubts I have in my head and the things that just made me so down today.

Where is the safe person to talk to? Why do I feel like just talking to God isn't enough?

Oh Tumbleweed How Did You Get Here??!!??

So I was thinking today that my posts have been a little on the down and deep side... so here's for a more light and fun post...

Today during my commute I decided to find things I LOVE, what you read as follows are the things I remember from the chunk of time in my day spent traveling to and from work:

I decided today my favorite foods are potatoes, onions, and bacon. Can never have enough. And they all three are so versatile.

Green and yellow are by far the BEST color combination, but only if it is the John Deere shades. (this little reminder I give thanks to the man in front of me when I stepped off the Blue Line this morning on the way to the bus, his shirts were perfect shades of G&Y)

My favorite TV channel is Food Network. Amazing.

Playdough is one of my fondest memories as a child, and today we played with playdough... oh the joy! I made a little pizza slice.

Crunchy chicken and pasta with butter, cheese and garlic salt makes for a tasty lunch.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE clean laundry, and I even LOVE folding it.

It occurred to me today that I could probably dress up for Halloween and go trick or treating and everyone would think I'm a kid... maybe I'll try, just have to find a costume and some kids to go with...

I love being in a kitchen. Something about it just is soothing.

I am realizing the vast amounts of foods we ate as children were things Mom made from scratch, therefore, most of everything I know how to make is from scratch... apparently, that is not 'normal'...but oh wow, so so so much better. I don't think I'll change that, I love cooking & baking from scratch, even if it takes more time, it trumps all in the realm of flavor and love.

And last of all to make this post complete, the little thought that inspired the title of this writing tonight:

There I was, briskly walking through the rumbling wind as the sky darkened by the second. I was thinking to myself about how I left work at 5pm and I was about 5 minutes from my apartment and it was about 6:30pm... why does it take so LONG to get home sometimes??

I wandered over crunchy leaves, past the spooky houses decked out with spider webs, tomb stones, spiders, and pumpkins. Anxious to get home, I quickened my pace, only to look down and realize something was in the way. No, it wasn't another tarp like the one a few houses back, but rather, this large large tumbleweed had found his new home lodged on a fence and was overtaking the sidewalk. At first it didn't even hit me that this large tumbleweed was so out of place. Then as I stepped around it, I began to wonder where this tumbleweed was from. I cannot help but wonder if it comes from the Colorado plains. Maybe even from the back yard of the home I left almost 5 years ago. Oh well, here's to the tumbleweed who made my night and made me smile and now has a post on my blog. Just not something this small town country girl sees every day in this big city!

Prompting

The prompting of the Holy Spirit is such a curious thing to me. It fascinates me. Maybe it is something that can't really be understood or explained. All I know is that as of lately, I have experienced the prompting of the Spirit to pray for certain people, later to find out good reason why there could have been such prompting of the Spirit.

In the last week two young families I know have lost precious little ones. My heart has been so heavy for these couples. I am overwhelmed by the thoughts of what they must be feeling and thinking and how hard this time must be for them. I don't know how anyone could endure such terrible losses without a Father to lean on. The life of these little ones truly is a testimony, even if their lives here on earth were not as long as the rest of us would have wanted, God's name is glorified through the reaction of their parents who have chosen to serve Him and glorify His name no matter the circumstance.

I am left a little concerned though. Concerned that maybe I don't listen or am not as aware as I should be to the prompting of the Spirit. I wonder how often He prompts me to do something and if I have just become so used to the uncomfortable requests, that I no longer hear Him when He is prompting me to do something.

My prayer tonight is that I would be more sensitive to the leading of the Spirit in every moment of my day, so that I can truly learn to obey Him and bring glory to the Father. Reveal to me the things that I block out and the areas I need work. Refine me and clean me up. Take the things I hold on to that You tell me to give up. Thank You for the lives of the little ones who have touched me in the past week. I know they sit with You now.

Searching

Today I was looking for something.

I left the apartment this morning with a set place to go. I went, it passed, and I found myself not wanting to go home or even go to the store by myself.

I just walked around and hung out with people who happened to just sit and talk or not really do what they had planned.

I felt lame. I felt lame because I knew that if I went home I would go nuts because I wanted to be with people, but there were no people at home. Then I felt more lame that the only place I could think of that has people, all of those people are busy and have homework. But I hung out for over 12 hours there today. I was searching for something.

I don't think I found it, but I was searching for something. I don't know if what I was searching for can be fulfilled by anyone but God Himself. I know that part of what I was searching for today was to be understood and just have company. I was surrounded by friends, yes, but I guess tonight I realized that I 'know' many people, but there are few who actually understand me.

I was searching today to be understood. I saw this over and over again as I look back and reflect on the conversations I had today. I just wanted to be heard and understood. Which is something that probably every person wants. I realized that the people who really get me and understand me are those that I value friendship with the most.

On the other hand however, I realize that my searching for understanding today was rather selfish because again, as I recall those encounters I had with so many people today, I just wanted my voice to be heard more than I wanted to sit and listen to the people talking to me. I would not slow down my thinking and stop my revolving world to listen and show that I care to the ones who needed to be heard and understood too. I'm so selfish.

Solo for Food

So if I think about it I could list all the things I ate in the last 24 hours... and it would be a short list. But the problem is more that I don't think about it. It is more like, "hmm... when WAS the last time I ate?" And then I realize how LITTLE I ate the last time it WAS.

As I have thought about this more, I know that stress is probably related to this weight loss and lack of food eating problem, but I know there is some self discipline needed as well as simply the fact that my life is different than when I was at student.

Anyhow, tonight I am a little concerned for the next two days. My roommates are gone. Not that I only eat when they are around, but I will be alone for a lot of time and honestly, what if I just forget to eat or just push it off because there is no one here to share a meal with? How pathetic. I love food so much, but I love it more and more and more when there are actually people to eat with. Of course, I'm glad my roommates get to go away for the weekend and I'm not writing this to say that I wish they would stay, however, I am saying here that food should be partaken of in the presence of others. It should be shared. Thankfully the Body of Christ will be dining in my apartment on Sunday night and I am so so so glad!

One thing I look forward to with this is that we will partake of the elements that remind us of what Christ has done for us and part of what we do with that is wash feet, fellowship, break bread, drink 'wine', and anticipate the coming day when we will be at the Marriage Supper of the Lamb. I look forward to that day when we will be in glory with the Father and that meal will be spread perfectly and there will be plenty of people to share it with! How wonderful.

Faces in Pumpkins

Crunchy leaves, crisp air, apples, caramel, cider, and PUMPKINS.

Last year at this time was my first ever in my life venture out to a pumpkin patch while I was visiting my sister in NY for my fall break. That was such a fun thing to do and I can't help but wish I could do it again. The only reason that I had never been to a big pumpkin patch before was because as kids we grew our own pumpkins in our garden then dad would have us fill the truck up and take them to church and give them out. But we always kept some too, for carving or even for mom's yummy stew she baked IN the pumpkin. I love love love the pumpkin seeds too.

I guess this is one of those self-pity posts. I want to go to a pumpkin patch. But it is not a place a person goes by themselves. It isn't even a good date in my opinion, it is what a family does. Then I want to carve pumpkins. Just one would do. And save the seeds and toast them and snack on them.

I really miss my family tonight. I really am fine with my independence most of the time, really probably all of the time. I don't know why it is a little rougher today. Maybe because I talked to grandma two times yesterday and realized that I haven't seen her or my older sister since Christmas. Or maybe it is realizing that in six short weeks it will be the first time in my entire life I will not be at my grandma's house for Thanksgiving with my family, which is by far the biggest family gathering and holiday in the Williamson household. Or maybe it is realizing today as I stood in the dentist office with two screaming boys that my mom is wonderful and I miss her terribly. And then the other possibility as to why I miss them so much tonight especially is because Tyler & Alan both said their parents are coming this weekend. Tyler's from Georgia and Alan's from Ohio... and then I remembered that my mom is going to visit my sister this weekend. And I get to see her (hopefully) as she changes flights in Chicago. I cannot help but hope that I get to see her for longer than 5 minutes, and that I actually make it to the airport before her flight arrives.

I think I will break down and cry a million tears and be the biggest baby if I don't get to see my mom on Thursday night. I just need to see her.

Fire

I know I just wrote a post, but tonight I just have to get stuff out. And I don't know how else besides writing. I don't even really care too much if people read this, I just know I have to get it out.

Never did I think I would endure this fire. Never did I think at 22 I would feel the pain and hurt of a few guys and a group of missionaries. Never. I had never thought as a young girl this is what my life would aspire to be. I don't understand these things. Rather, these things have left me the most confused, hurt, and turned upside down than I ever have been.

I know that a lot of those things have happened in the past, and I should probably 'move on'. But as my friend encouraged me with the other night, healing is a process. I'm still in that process and it might take a long time.

But there is hope. I can hope that this fire is refining me. I can hope that there is a reason for all of this. All of the millions of pieces I feel like I have been broken into lie in the hands of Jesus and He knows how to put them back together in just the right way that is even better than what it was like before. I can cling to that and hope in Him.

I need to be constantly reminded of that though. Sometimes the fire is still hot and painful. Sometimes when I see certain people or read something or a little thing I see reminds me of those life shattering situations, that's when the pain of the fire is still obviously there. That is when I start to crumble again. That is when I try hard to run to Jesus. Usually, like the other night, that is when I break down in tears, overwhelmed by it all. But that fire will not consume me, it has no power over me, and it will not be more than I can bare. Oh in that I can be thankful.

Take my hurt and my pain, I lay it all before You. Hold me close to You, please, refine me for Your glory.

The Word

So I love to encourage people with the Word in a little note or something, and well tonight I realized that there is just amazing things in the Bible! I know this of course, but I was just reminded of it again. How come I am ok with looking in my Bible to share a passage with a friend, but I can't take a few minutes (or MORE) to sit and let it soak into my life?
Seriously, I flipped through pages of my Bible I used through my time at Moody and kept stopping at little things I had highlighted or underlined and wanted to just keep reading! The Word is so wonderful. I LOVE it. How come I don't read it more? How would my life be so different if I would allow it into my life and choose to read it?

Thank You Holy Spirit for working on me. Change me please.

Questions

Life is full of questions.

Where are you from? What are you doing? What's the next step? How are you going to do that?

Not that questions are bad, but sometimes I just don't know how to answer them.

Sometimes the answers to these questions are hard. Sometimes it is hard to even get to the point about something and move forward.

Today an answer to one of these questions came and it was hard. It is that good hard though. Good in the sense that now we can move on to another question: What's next? or even What now?

I wish I knew. Sure I have plans and so many good things to look at, but really is there something else out there that will just plop up and be 'the thing' that is next? What will God do?

I think of that and then remember my friend Tim's words, "...sometimes you just HAVE to decide and move forward..." So did I do that? Am I moving forward? Or am I just a flake?

Well I know this, I'm still waiting, but on something different. This week has proved to be what I had hoped it to be: a week that would produce some direction.

Direction:
I am not going to Rome with the team.
I am looking into a different job that is actually turning out to be more promising than I had even imagined.
Just before writing this blog tonight I applied to be an RA at BFA in Germany.


Without any doubt these past few days have left me assured that I have some of the greatest friends in all the world and only is this true because of the grace of my Savior and the love of my God. He has showered His abundant love on me and cares so deeply for me. I will trust Him, for I cannot trust men or even myself, but I can trust in the One who knows me better than I even know myself. I can trust my Maker.

Oh community!

How this week has been an encouragement!
This week my two worlds of Avant and Moody collided and I LOVED every moment of it.

I am completely exhausted and I feel so blessed, encouraged, and stretched spiritually. All in the good way. That is when I'm reminded that all of those things mean that I was in a community again for a few days...oh how I miss that! Sure I have people all around me as I commute to work and all that jazz every day, but it is one thing to be surrounded by tons of people on the bus and then run around the yard with two little boys, but it is a whole other thing to be in a place where in every interaction with people one is genuinely asked how they are doing and expect an update on his or her life. That is draining, but in a good way. That is when the encouragement and spiritual stretching comes.

I spent significant amounts of time with people this week who are sensitive to feelings, caring, and loving. Significant time with people who just want to serve God and strive to be closer to Him daily.

Last night I think I cried off more of my mascara than I usually wash off. It was melt down time. I realized that I am still hurt from things in the past. I don't know why I thought the pain would 'just be gone', but it is still there and will take some time to heal.

I don't know what I would do without my friends who cry with me and simpathyze in my weakness and struggles. I appreciate so much the fact that they would take time so unselfishly to sit and listen, let me cry, and speak truth to me. Oh how comforting it is to hear a good friend assure me he knows what I am dealing with, and he is not being shallow about it, because I know enough of his story too, he really does understand. I just needed that, to be understood. I'm thankful for that.

These people I spent time with this week are such blessings from the Lord and I am so thankful that God has allowed our paths to cross at this point in all our lives. Oh how I hope that I can be less of myself and more of Christ to those I interact with daily. May I be willing to love.

dropping......

I don't know what to think about this but all I know is that a few months ago I was definitely a few pounds heavier. Maybe I shouldn't be blogging about this, but I think I need to outlet on a 'touchy' topic.

Today I watched the scale drop to the lowest I've seen in the last few years. I don't know how this has happened. Sure, I don't eat as much or as often, as when I was a student, but why have I been dropping on average a pound a week for the past few weeks?

Is it the stress of the job or is it my brisk walk to work and back 5 days a week? Is it keeping up with two little boys and sometimes sacrificing actually eating a meal to satisfy their needs? I was a little concerned and then realized how stressed I am about my work situation. I think it is stress. I try to eat, I really do, I pig out on potatoes and bacon on the weekends. I eat things that are not really that great for me, and then when I do eat at work I eat well balanced meals.

Oh well, I don't know, I guess I was just a little shocked to see those numbers today on the scale.

Mom & Trust

So today I have spent many hours by myself. Which is fine, just lots of time to think. I watched a movie this morning and then all I have been able to think about for the rest of the day has been about one day being a mom. And although that is very scary, it is also very appealing. I think it sounds like such a privilege to be allowed to carry life into this world and grow them up into followers of Christ. I want to be a theology mom. I want my children to begin learning how to do theology from day one. I want them to think of others and love like Jesus. I want to have little boys and girls to hug close and teach the practical things of life. I want to be the busy mom who has to take the kids here and there, organize birthdays, wipe tears, sooth during sickness, and play in the mud. I want to have to fold laundry, clean and decorate a house.

I think of all these things and then remember that a man is kinda needed for this all to take place. And as much as I want there to be a man, I am so scared.

As I examined myself today, my trust in men is so so so low. I don't really trust them to be more than friends any more. That is so sad. I don't know, I guess it will be an act of God if I do actually get to be a wife and a mom one day. All I can imagine is that possibly I could marry a good friend...then a lot of trust would already be there. But is that possible?

Oh God, take these fears and all these things I want. I may never get any of the things I wrote about here, and if that is for Your glory, may it be so. I ask though that if it is Your will please may I have these things? Draw me close to You, help me to never lose sight of You. Let me watch as You guide me through this life You have given me.

Crazy

I went to babysit right after work again tonight and when my friend Adam picked me up and we were stuck in traffic on the way to his house, we had a long time to catch up on life.

He eventually asked about the boyfriend...to which I think he was a little regretful in asking...however, he said something that I really needed to hear. He said something along the lines of, "allow God to bring that man into your life who will be crazy about you".

And as I've thought about that more the last few hours tonight I really do want that. Sure the heart break into a million bazillion pieces stinks, but if that is what has to happen before the person comes along who is so crazy about me, I guess that is just what will have to happen.

I praise the Lord I have never had a jerk face boyfriend, all of the guys who have called my dad to pursue a dating relationship with me have been wonderful, Godly men of character that to this day I admire each of them and hope the best for them in whatever the Lord brings their way.

There are still those times of heartache and heartbreak that have hurt so deep and still cause some pain from time to time, but how big God is compared to that pain. And to think He took all that pain, He carries those burdens. He looks at me with love. He is Crazy about me.

What to Do, What to Do!

Last night I had some quality time with a friend/brother/older-man-godly-influence person in my life. He has been there for me through some rough stuff and some incredibly amazing stuff. We were catching up over what else, FOOD, and I began my long discourse on where I'm at in life.

Basically the summary is that I have about 4 options to choose from at this point to move forward with and start doing more ministry in an area I actually like. The hard part is knowing what to choose. My dear friend said to me, "well, at some point you are just going to have to decide and move forward in faith knowing that the Lord will bless whatever decision is made." I looked at him, laughed and said, "Yes, and boy, this sounds so familiar, you've told me this before." But I know he is so right. All of these options are good. None of them would be considered if they were bad! haha

He has also asked me a few times what I love to do. Which I have been trying to figure out for the past few months. But I know that I love to cook, talk with people, be a part of community, and just do life with people.

After we were talking for a bit, some other friends joined, then another job opportunity was presented to me in an area I have worked before and absolutely LOVE. It is hard for me to not consider it as another option too! All of the people I was talking with last night think I would do so good at this job, I just wow, don't know what to think! I would LOVE LOVE LOVE more than anything to go back to the same place as my favorite job I have ever had, but wow, is that really an option??

I guess today is going to be full of prayer and bringing this specifically before the throne. Lord please direct my life. I give it into Your hands. You know my desires and where my heart is, take all these things and show me where and what to do. I follow You.

OT

The past few weeks I've been reading about women who were in Jesus' line. I feel like parts of the Old Testament have just come alive in a whole new way. I love reading about these women and trying to get a grasp on what life was like for them so so long ago. And to think that I know how their stories end! They didn't know what was going to happen to them and many of them had terrible terrible terrible situations to deal with. I am just reminded of God's redemption, as well as His love and grace. His desire to bring His Son into this world in the most 'unlikely-to-man' sort of ways, even using some special, forgotten, shameful, FOREIGN women who exercised incredible faith.

Yesterday I finished reading about Rahab, and I could not even shift my focus today and start reading about Ruth, even though we started a study on Ruth at church last week, but my mind was still back with the Israelites who had just entered the promised land back in the book of Joshua. I then opened up my Bible and read the next few chapters following Rahab's rescue and was astounded at the power of God, people's rebellion, or just plain stupidity that is so human and so normal and I can so relate to.

I seriously feel like the Bible has come to life in a whole new way. I don't know if it is because of my trip to Israel, or if it is the Holy Spirit, maybe a good good combination of both. All I know is that tonight I go to bed knowing that my God is the same God that made those walls of Jericho crumble to the ground, the same God who had His people walk across two bodies of water on DRY land. He is truly the same yesterday, today and forever, and that is a promise to cling to.

Food

Ok, so I realize I decided to blog at 12:37 AM......... after 13.5 hours of babysitting........... so I guess take this post with a grain of salt??

I love food.

This seriously hit me time and time again today. (well, I think about how much I love it often actually...)

But today I just really really love food. I think I am passionate about food for many reasons, but the biggest is because it is the most fun to enjoy food with other people. It is something that everyone can drop their lives and enjoy eating together and just bring all the differences 'to the table' for a fine blend of personality, flavor, and of course relationships. I love table time.

I catch myself thinking about food and almost feeling guilty about it and thinking, OH goodness, I can't have this as an idol or love it more than God, or be too prideful about my cooking. Then I have the reoccurring thoughts like I did today: remember how much I loved to cook and bake and mix and season when I was little? That little girl who got up every morning on the farm to make breakfast for the family and then in the afternoons whip up a mean mud pie is the same me. I really believe that every human has the need to express themselves through some sort of creative means/outlet, and for me this is done in the kitchen. That is the person God has made me to be. The challenge then is to not let what He has given me take over and control me, but to continually used the things He has given me as strengths to bring more and more and more glory to His name.

It is to His name and honor forever and ever. It is because of Him that I love to cook and bake and hopefully will never grow tired of it. I can only hope for more opportunities to share the love of Jesus through sharing the love of food and good company.