Fire

I know I just wrote a post, but tonight I just have to get stuff out. And I don't know how else besides writing. I don't even really care too much if people read this, I just know I have to get it out.

Never did I think I would endure this fire. Never did I think at 22 I would feel the pain and hurt of a few guys and a group of missionaries. Never. I had never thought as a young girl this is what my life would aspire to be. I don't understand these things. Rather, these things have left me the most confused, hurt, and turned upside down than I ever have been.

I know that a lot of those things have happened in the past, and I should probably 'move on'. But as my friend encouraged me with the other night, healing is a process. I'm still in that process and it might take a long time.

But there is hope. I can hope that this fire is refining me. I can hope that there is a reason for all of this. All of the millions of pieces I feel like I have been broken into lie in the hands of Jesus and He knows how to put them back together in just the right way that is even better than what it was like before. I can cling to that and hope in Him.

I need to be constantly reminded of that though. Sometimes the fire is still hot and painful. Sometimes when I see certain people or read something or a little thing I see reminds me of those life shattering situations, that's when the pain of the fire is still obviously there. That is when I start to crumble again. That is when I try hard to run to Jesus. Usually, like the other night, that is when I break down in tears, overwhelmed by it all. But that fire will not consume me, it has no power over me, and it will not be more than I can bare. Oh in that I can be thankful.

Take my hurt and my pain, I lay it all before You. Hold me close to You, please, refine me for Your glory.