Real?

Candle Light Carols=almost Christmas time at Moody.

This year I worked as an usher for all three performances. Tonight something big hit me as I visited quietly with guests while they waited to enter the auditorium until the applause. Many people commented on how the 'candles' were not real... "but, surely at one point they used real candles" I heard one person say. Another lady mentioned how nice she thought it looked, and that "even her 19 year old son thought it was neat, and he never thinks things are cool." This same woman proceeded to say that her son had mentioned how cool it would be if the candles were real.

WOW. That REALly got me thinking, why is everything so fake around us? Is the fire we have 'burning' inside us a fake Christmas light candle stick? ---Rather than a passionate, burning flame? (RAGING FIRE?!?!?!)

Maybe it is just me, but even this weekend as I stood there greeting guests and probably many people who have so graciously given their money to help pay my way through school, I realized that my smile was mostly fake. Sure, I like people, but honestly, there were times that I would have much rather be yawning or just standing there NOT acknowledging every person that walked by. Hmm, one may argue that I was being paid to stand there and 'be nice to people' or 'help them'. But, I couldn't help but feel like I was putting on a face. The way I dressed the last two days is so out of character for me. Don't get me wrong, it was fun to dress up a little, but really? IS that what our 'Christian' world expects of us now? If I showed up in my normal daily clothes I would be rejected. Maybe it is a cultural thing, but I can see how that can be such a stumbling block to some. Where does Jesus address people that they have to look a certain way in order to worship Him or learn about Him? He went to the lowly, honestly, He came to this earth in the most humble means, seeking the weak and those who have nothing left.

Maybe one day soon people will realize that there is more to this thing called "Christianity" than a bunch of rules and regulations. Maybe it will take some harsh persecution and some 'breaking' down and making 'weak' in order to get people to bend their knees fully to Christ and push aside everything this world has to offer. I will cling to Christ, Him alone!

Helping Hurting

So the last few weeks I have been rather disconnected from my studies... not sure if that has to do so much with the fact that I graduate in May, or that I have such a weird learning style and am sick of classes, or if it is that I am trying so hard to figure myself out and try to understand what it is to suffer and hurt and be healed from pain, if that is the will of God. I do not know the answers, all I know is that suffering for the name of Jesus, in order for God to get glory is the best kind of suffering and should be endured with joy.

I still do not know why the pain I have experienced in the last year has hurt so badly or why it had to happen, but maybe it is simply so that God gets glory.

These are a few of the things that I find myself thinking about for long portions of the day recently:
Dreaming of possibilities of what to do after graduation--

• move some place by myself and start all new... what an adventure that sounds like!
• join Avant like I have been planning/thinking
• move back in with my family in CO and begin some sort of out reach to youth girls
• become a substitute teacher in a high school (yeah, this one is the newest idea... not sure what triggered that one!)
• go to grad school??!!????? WHAT? I can't even believe I just wrote that, but tonight I entertained the idea a little more as I finished the book "Days of Glory, Seasons of Night" by Marilee Dunker who's father was the founder of World Vision and Samaritans Purse. The thoughts that triggered in my head as I finished that book tonight were that there is such a need for people in ministry to be taken care of mentally. I am left wondering what I can do about it!

So there is my list of what I think about most of the time... I should probably pray about them more and do my studies more. It is helpful to get it all out here though.

I have this strong desire to not hold anything back, I want the world to see me as I am. I want to walk around with confidence of who I am in Christ and look at others as though they belong to Him as well. Is this the secret to unlocking the doors of the mental battles that are raging all around us but everyone is too scared to admit it?

I have been hurt deeply, but it is for a reason, I praise God I have been hurt if even to teach me that others have hurts that are deeper and much more fatal. I have prayed for many years now that God would break my heart for the things that break His, I wonder if these are the things that break His heart. I wonder if the battles that people fight alone in their minds are the things that break His heart. It should not be this way. What can I do Lord to change this? How can I be an agent of change in this place of darkness? Maybe the answer lies in vulnerability. If so, I write these things with freedom because I know my God heals. I know that there is nothing more powerful and peaceful than to know who I am in Christ is much more valuable than what others think of me. I will not hide what Christ has done for me. I want to burn with a passion for Him that causes all the darkness around to flee. The devil desires to destroy, some of the best places for him to work is in the secrets of our minds. I will not let the evil one have any sort of say, I belong to Christ, I am HIS!

Lord, I pray, continue to break my heart for the things that break Yours, may I know and follow hard after You. May I never ever be able to keep from singing Your praise, You are worthy my King and my Savior, my Deliverer!

Pray with me please!

I just wanted to write those prayer warriors out there that I know! I will beginning my final semester at Moody Bible Institute in Chicago, and well, that means that I have only one more semester remaining to pay for! Praise God! He has abundantly provided in His time for every payment deadline so far. I do not doubt that if He wants me to finish at Moody He will make it possible. But I just wanted to ask you guys to pray that even in this really hard time in our economy, that faith would not lack and that doubt would not arise. Please pray with me now that God will provide the funds remaining for my final semester at Moody. I am so thankful to Him for the job He has given me and the people He puts in my path to encourage me and who I can offer encouragement to as well.

Thanks to all of you who have made an impact on my life as well. God has used each of you in my life and I am very thankful to know you. Please let me know if there is anything I can be praying for you about as well.

I will let you know what happens with this money situation! Thanks for your prayers!