Helping Hurting

So the last few weeks I have been rather disconnected from my studies... not sure if that has to do so much with the fact that I graduate in May, or that I have such a weird learning style and am sick of classes, or if it is that I am trying so hard to figure myself out and try to understand what it is to suffer and hurt and be healed from pain, if that is the will of God. I do not know the answers, all I know is that suffering for the name of Jesus, in order for God to get glory is the best kind of suffering and should be endured with joy.

I still do not know why the pain I have experienced in the last year has hurt so badly or why it had to happen, but maybe it is simply so that God gets glory.

These are a few of the things that I find myself thinking about for long portions of the day recently:
Dreaming of possibilities of what to do after graduation--

• move some place by myself and start all new... what an adventure that sounds like!
• join Avant like I have been planning/thinking
• move back in with my family in CO and begin some sort of out reach to youth girls
• become a substitute teacher in a high school (yeah, this one is the newest idea... not sure what triggered that one!)
• go to grad school??!!????? WHAT? I can't even believe I just wrote that, but tonight I entertained the idea a little more as I finished the book "Days of Glory, Seasons of Night" by Marilee Dunker who's father was the founder of World Vision and Samaritans Purse. The thoughts that triggered in my head as I finished that book tonight were that there is such a need for people in ministry to be taken care of mentally. I am left wondering what I can do about it!

So there is my list of what I think about most of the time... I should probably pray about them more and do my studies more. It is helpful to get it all out here though.

I have this strong desire to not hold anything back, I want the world to see me as I am. I want to walk around with confidence of who I am in Christ and look at others as though they belong to Him as well. Is this the secret to unlocking the doors of the mental battles that are raging all around us but everyone is too scared to admit it?

I have been hurt deeply, but it is for a reason, I praise God I have been hurt if even to teach me that others have hurts that are deeper and much more fatal. I have prayed for many years now that God would break my heart for the things that break His, I wonder if these are the things that break His heart. I wonder if the battles that people fight alone in their minds are the things that break His heart. It should not be this way. What can I do Lord to change this? How can I be an agent of change in this place of darkness? Maybe the answer lies in vulnerability. If so, I write these things with freedom because I know my God heals. I know that there is nothing more powerful and peaceful than to know who I am in Christ is much more valuable than what others think of me. I will not hide what Christ has done for me. I want to burn with a passion for Him that causes all the darkness around to flee. The devil desires to destroy, some of the best places for him to work is in the secrets of our minds. I will not let the evil one have any sort of say, I belong to Christ, I am HIS!

Lord, I pray, continue to break my heart for the things that break Yours, may I know and follow hard after You. May I never ever be able to keep from singing Your praise, You are worthy my King and my Savior, my Deliverer!