Tonight I find myself alone. It is too quiet. I get so down when I'm alone.
Recently a good friend told me something that made me realize something about myself. She said I desire and long to care for a man, its as if I was just made and programed that way. I had not really thought of it that way, but I think she was right. There are many many many days that I am totally fine being single and I enjoy my freedom and independence so so so much, but there are about the same amount of days that I do long for that person to do life with. I suppose today is one of those.
I have to remind myself that there are wonderful things about the quiet, people-less nights too. I can spend time in the Word, prayer and calling loved ones. I just have to remember to not dwell on all the things that I don't have when it is so quiet and I have some 'down time' before I interact with people again. There is so much I can still do!
I just love love love people. I love the crazy busyness, excitement, joy, encouragement, real stuff *good & bad*, and all the life things that come with individuals. I love it. It fascinates me that God made each of us so different, yet there are people that identify specially with others because of certain similarities that draw them together. I love it. He is amazing that way. No one is better than anyone else and all are here for His glory, whether they see it that way or not.
Sometimes my roommate and I don't talk, but we are in the same room, I love even that. Part of our relationship that I love, we know each other well enough that we don't have to constantly entertain or avoid each other. There is a happy medium and I love it. Just to have one's presence in the room just is so wonderful to me.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Questions, no answers....yet
Back in May my roommate and sister got engaged. I thought, oh, yeah, I have plenty of time to figure out what and where I'm at by the time my roommate gets married. I should know by then if I'm staying in Chicago, getting married or even if and who I will live with after she leaves.
We talked last night and it started to hit me that she is leaving SOON. End of February to be exact. Our lease is up April, I don't know what to do.
My job commitment was for a year, that is up in December, but at this point I have no reason to tell them I'm leaving, as far as they know, I'm staying.
End of February is not a great time for having a new roommate join the apartment, but something will work out.
Do I renew the lease? Or do I find a new place and move? Again the question of roommates, or should I find a place I can afford for myself? If I do move and keep my job, I probably would have to get a car. If I get a car, I have to get insurance.
If I were to move, the most logical location would be back to the neighborhood I lived in just after graduation. I end up out there three times at least a week now. But then, if I move out there, why not just apply for full time ministry with ICI?
But my heart's tug is to go overseas. I cannot ignore this. What am I suppose to do?
Recently the church I had been attending for almost 3 years stopped meeting, and most of my close friends are no longer in the city.
Now seems like the most logical time to go, but I am at such a loss as to what and where. There are so many options and I don't feel led to any. What am I suppose to do?
Just the things that are rolling around in my head...I am scared and uncertain... I know He is faithful... I know He will lead.... I know I have to trust Him.
We talked last night and it started to hit me that she is leaving SOON. End of February to be exact. Our lease is up April, I don't know what to do.
My job commitment was for a year, that is up in December, but at this point I have no reason to tell them I'm leaving, as far as they know, I'm staying.
End of February is not a great time for having a new roommate join the apartment, but something will work out.
Do I renew the lease? Or do I find a new place and move? Again the question of roommates, or should I find a place I can afford for myself? If I do move and keep my job, I probably would have to get a car. If I get a car, I have to get insurance.
If I were to move, the most logical location would be back to the neighborhood I lived in just after graduation. I end up out there three times at least a week now. But then, if I move out there, why not just apply for full time ministry with ICI?
But my heart's tug is to go overseas. I cannot ignore this. What am I suppose to do?
Recently the church I had been attending for almost 3 years stopped meeting, and most of my close friends are no longer in the city.
Now seems like the most logical time to go, but I am at such a loss as to what and where. There are so many options and I don't feel led to any. What am I suppose to do?
Just the things that are rolling around in my head...I am scared and uncertain... I know He is faithful... I know He will lead.... I know I have to trust Him.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
God, Please Give me Patience... NOW!!!!
I remember praying for patience a lot during high school at my nursing home job. By God's grace alone I worked there for 2 years. Those prayers for patience were always always always tested and answered with great opportunities to be patient!
I'd like to say that I am a relatively easy-going and gentle person. The last two weeks the monster inside of me has emerged. I must not handle stress well at all. And mostly I am frustrated with myself at how worked up I get over the littlest things.
I asked my dad recently how to deal with difficult people in the work place, and he said over and over again, patience. This coming from the man in my life I know the best and who I know has a terrible temper. Unfortunately, I take after him in not only his looks, and personality, but his temper too.
The last two weeks my boss has been on vacation, and apparently at other jobs when the boss is gone it's basically vacation time for the employees. Not the case at my job. I have been running around crazy almost 9 hours straight for the last two weeks. The thing is, I can do it, I know I can. The thing that bothers me is when other people don't do their part of the job to help the whole team. Also, in my frustration with others I get worried that my coworkers perceive me to be incapable of handling all that I am responsible for while my boss is out. I wish I was better at controlling my freak outs.
Thankfully God put some good, understanding friends in my path today who were rather encouraging and that helped immensely. I put on that positive attitude and decided that today was not going to be a terrible day, even if it started out not so great, I was determined it would end well, and it did.
Tomorrow will be no different, I will pray for patience, the tests will come. No matter what is thrown at me, I hope that when the test comes, I will pass and pass with a higher grade than today. I want to be Christlike in my work and I want to speak with grace and gentleness. I suppose those are skills that take time to learn and learning through mistakes. He will teach me, that I am certain!
I'd like to say that I am a relatively easy-going and gentle person. The last two weeks the monster inside of me has emerged. I must not handle stress well at all. And mostly I am frustrated with myself at how worked up I get over the littlest things.
I asked my dad recently how to deal with difficult people in the work place, and he said over and over again, patience. This coming from the man in my life I know the best and who I know has a terrible temper. Unfortunately, I take after him in not only his looks, and personality, but his temper too.
The last two weeks my boss has been on vacation, and apparently at other jobs when the boss is gone it's basically vacation time for the employees. Not the case at my job. I have been running around crazy almost 9 hours straight for the last two weeks. The thing is, I can do it, I know I can. The thing that bothers me is when other people don't do their part of the job to help the whole team. Also, in my frustration with others I get worried that my coworkers perceive me to be incapable of handling all that I am responsible for while my boss is out. I wish I was better at controlling my freak outs.
Thankfully God put some good, understanding friends in my path today who were rather encouraging and that helped immensely. I put on that positive attitude and decided that today was not going to be a terrible day, even if it started out not so great, I was determined it would end well, and it did.
Tomorrow will be no different, I will pray for patience, the tests will come. No matter what is thrown at me, I hope that when the test comes, I will pass and pass with a higher grade than today. I want to be Christlike in my work and I want to speak with grace and gentleness. I suppose those are skills that take time to learn and learning through mistakes. He will teach me, that I am certain!
Monday, September 12, 2011
Time?
Thursday I said good-bye to my last friend who shared the current stage of life in this city.
Friday I hid with memories and people of dishcrew.
Saturday I cried for a few hours as it hit me: my dear friend really did get on that plane, she really did go to India for the next 4 months, and no, I did not go.
I so desperately wanted to sit and talk with someone, or again, hide by spending time with other friends, but everyone was busy. The facts are, the people around me are consumed in different things than I am at this point of life. I know many married people, many single people, but either of these groups defined by relationship status have a secondary identifier: school or ministry or both, and now most of them if married, families too.
I don't have a church anymore, and I am just at the end of one ministry and have my foot in the door of another.
Not sure what to do.
As I sat with the hot tears streaming down my face Saturday, I found myself yet again clinging to the only Hope left, the Only One who is always there and never fails.
My faith in question, I have to cling to Him. He will guide. I am reminded of the countless people who have gone on before me, they risked it all. They gave up all they knew and all for the sake of the Gospel.
What am I doing for the Gospel to be heard?
Today as I walked down the busy streets of Chicago, in the early, dark morning, and again this bright, sunny afternoon, the unsettling stirring inside me saying how I don't like the city was clear for the first time in almost 5 years. Was it just something today or is this the time that God is moving me on? I have no clue. I have to keep reminding myself that right now I don't have to have it all figured out. I have to trust day by day that my God will take care of me.
I have to remember those times in the past that He's been faithful and how I look back at the obvious intervention of my Mighty God. He's not done, why should I doubt?
Do I have fear? Well of course! Do I want to know now? Well yes!
But tonight I will sleep, knowing that if I'm given tomorrow, I'll go to what I know and live for Him regardless, trusting that He will guide me.
Friday I hid with memories and people of dishcrew.
Saturday I cried for a few hours as it hit me: my dear friend really did get on that plane, she really did go to India for the next 4 months, and no, I did not go.
I so desperately wanted to sit and talk with someone, or again, hide by spending time with other friends, but everyone was busy. The facts are, the people around me are consumed in different things than I am at this point of life. I know many married people, many single people, but either of these groups defined by relationship status have a secondary identifier: school or ministry or both, and now most of them if married, families too.
I don't have a church anymore, and I am just at the end of one ministry and have my foot in the door of another.
Not sure what to do.
As I sat with the hot tears streaming down my face Saturday, I found myself yet again clinging to the only Hope left, the Only One who is always there and never fails.
My faith in question, I have to cling to Him. He will guide. I am reminded of the countless people who have gone on before me, they risked it all. They gave up all they knew and all for the sake of the Gospel.
What am I doing for the Gospel to be heard?
Today as I walked down the busy streets of Chicago, in the early, dark morning, and again this bright, sunny afternoon, the unsettling stirring inside me saying how I don't like the city was clear for the first time in almost 5 years. Was it just something today or is this the time that God is moving me on? I have no clue. I have to keep reminding myself that right now I don't have to have it all figured out. I have to trust day by day that my God will take care of me.
I have to remember those times in the past that He's been faithful and how I look back at the obvious intervention of my Mighty God. He's not done, why should I doubt?
Do I have fear? Well of course! Do I want to know now? Well yes!
But tonight I will sleep, knowing that if I'm given tomorrow, I'll go to what I know and live for Him regardless, trusting that He will guide me.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Reality Checks
Most days I find my mind wandering off into some distant thought of fantasy. As soon as a thought is triggered, I run fast toward all the possibilities of that thought and anything that correlates to it.
Sometimes on occasion I have snap-backs to reality and usually am humbled and ashamed by how far I had run from what actually is true.
Recently I feel that these reality checks have been more often, which is good I guess, if I'm getting my mind more in-tune to the Spirit and His power over me, which is true, when I chose to have Christ redeem me, I chose for the Spirit to come and help me.
So then I don't know why I still default into fantasy/dreamy mode. Is it a lack of contentment or a lack of discipline of my mind? Does it reflect how much more I need my Savior and the power of His Word in my life? I think so.
Today on my walk home I was praying the words to a song, Refiner's Fire,
Purify my heart,
let me be as gold and precious silver.
Purify my heart,
let me be as gold, pure gold.
(Chorus)
Refiner's fire,
my heart's one desire
is to be…holy;
set apart for You, Lord.
I choose to be…holy;
set apart for You, my Master,
ready to do Your will.
Purify my heart,
cleanse me from within
and make me holy.
Purify my heart,
cleanse me from my sin, deep within.
I so desperately need Jesus. I need Him in all aspects of my life. My default is sin, but with the change Christ has made in me, and the Help of the Spirit, I can be grace and love.
Purify me.
Sometimes on occasion I have snap-backs to reality and usually am humbled and ashamed by how far I had run from what actually is true.
Recently I feel that these reality checks have been more often, which is good I guess, if I'm getting my mind more in-tune to the Spirit and His power over me, which is true, when I chose to have Christ redeem me, I chose for the Spirit to come and help me.
So then I don't know why I still default into fantasy/dreamy mode. Is it a lack of contentment or a lack of discipline of my mind? Does it reflect how much more I need my Savior and the power of His Word in my life? I think so.
Today on my walk home I was praying the words to a song, Refiner's Fire,
Purify my heart,
let me be as gold and precious silver.
Purify my heart,
let me be as gold, pure gold.
(Chorus)
Refiner's fire,
my heart's one desire
is to be…holy;
set apart for You, Lord.
I choose to be…holy;
set apart for You, my Master,
ready to do Your will.
Purify my heart,
cleanse me from within
and make me holy.
Purify my heart,
cleanse me from my sin, deep within.
I so desperately need Jesus. I need Him in all aspects of my life. My default is sin, but with the change Christ has made in me, and the Help of the Spirit, I can be grace and love.
Purify me.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Gospel
"Jessica, I need you to come out to the hall with me, we need to talk."
She gave me that familiar scowl.
We took a seat just outside the cabin door.
"Jessica, you know the rules for camp. They have been the same all week. You must stay with our group when we go somewhere. Can you tell me why you were not with us tonight?"
"This girl was talking bad about me, I had to make things right with her, I just didn't think you would let me."
"You didn't ask! Had you asked and let me know what was going on I probably would have let you talk with her. I'm all about working things out with people and living in peace with one another."
"Yes, but I know I said things I shouldn't have."
"Do you think you can go back to her and apologize for the things you said and try to make it right?"
"OH NO!! Maybe you could do that BUT I COULD NEVER DO THAT!!"
"Can I tell you why I would want to make things right?
Jessica, I mess up all the time. But think about all the lessons and all the verses you've heard this week, it all is about the same thing. We ALL do bad things! WE are ALL unclean, unpure, and filthy! The only way to get cleaned and have all that stuff washed away again is to accept that Jesus is the only One who can clean you, believe that He died for you, and confess that you are a sinner and accept His forgiveness. I made that decision and even though I still mess up, I know that when God looks at me He sees Jesus first and accepts me for who I am in Him, He has forgiven my sins past, present and future, He can and will do the same for you, if you want Him to."
"I want that! I want that!"
"All you have to do Jessica is what I just said, just say it outloud, like you're talking to Jesus, say 'Jesus, I am a sinner. I need your forgiveness. I believe that You can take away my punishment for sin, please forgive me, I want to live for You' "
This was a little paraphrase of my last night at camp this past week with Jr. High kids from the inner city of Chicago. Having this opportunity to share Christ with Jessica and many others was such a joy and excitement I have not experienced in such a long time.
The power of the Gospel is real. And yes, there are people even in the USA who have never even heard of Jesus dying on a cross, I met a girl like that at camp too.
Praise God for this new life in Christ!
She gave me that familiar scowl.
We took a seat just outside the cabin door.
"Jessica, you know the rules for camp. They have been the same all week. You must stay with our group when we go somewhere. Can you tell me why you were not with us tonight?"
"This girl was talking bad about me, I had to make things right with her, I just didn't think you would let me."
"You didn't ask! Had you asked and let me know what was going on I probably would have let you talk with her. I'm all about working things out with people and living in peace with one another."
"Yes, but I know I said things I shouldn't have."
"Do you think you can go back to her and apologize for the things you said and try to make it right?"
"OH NO!! Maybe you could do that BUT I COULD NEVER DO THAT!!"
"Can I tell you why I would want to make things right?
Jessica, I mess up all the time. But think about all the lessons and all the verses you've heard this week, it all is about the same thing. We ALL do bad things! WE are ALL unclean, unpure, and filthy! The only way to get cleaned and have all that stuff washed away again is to accept that Jesus is the only One who can clean you, believe that He died for you, and confess that you are a sinner and accept His forgiveness. I made that decision and even though I still mess up, I know that when God looks at me He sees Jesus first and accepts me for who I am in Him, He has forgiven my sins past, present and future, He can and will do the same for you, if you want Him to."
"I want that! I want that!"
"All you have to do Jessica is what I just said, just say it outloud, like you're talking to Jesus, say 'Jesus, I am a sinner. I need your forgiveness. I believe that You can take away my punishment for sin, please forgive me, I want to live for You' "
This was a little paraphrase of my last night at camp this past week with Jr. High kids from the inner city of Chicago. Having this opportunity to share Christ with Jessica and many others was such a joy and excitement I have not experienced in such a long time.
The power of the Gospel is real. And yes, there are people even in the USA who have never even heard of Jesus dying on a cross, I met a girl like that at camp too.
Praise God for this new life in Christ!
Friday, July 22, 2011
Blessed
Today I ventured out for my third Cub game of the season.
This time again with co-workers, but different ones. As we stood on the ever-tightly crammed Red Line train, one of my co-workers took the time to pick the minds of these two single college graduates--me & my other co-worker.
What he asked and what he shared changed my perspective on where I am at in life right now. After we told him that we felt like we had disappointed ourselves because we are done with school and not married, he told us how he doesn't even know what that is like. His life has been a constant knowing what is next or being committed to taking care of people. He never had a chance to live on his own or live with a roommate outside of college & marriage. He never had the freedom to travel to wherever for however long--by himself. He doesn't know what my life is like.
I have always appreciated this particular friend of mine because he does bring interesting perspective to virtually every conversation. He has checked me many times and challenged me to re-think whatever I just spout out in the moment. Sadly he will be leaving the job and atmosphere he has known since he started college 11 years ago. I know I will miss him and his brotherly input in my life because I don't know my job without him there.
Anyways, the point of this post is that I really am blessed, not in a way that I am better than all my married friends, no not at all. I am blessed because this is where God wants me now. Wallowing in what the flip-side would be or what I do not have is not right. Sure I have my discouraging days and struggle often with loneliness, but all in all, I know I am loved. I am surrounded by people who are all about encouraging me and making sure they love me. My Father God is watching over me, He cares for me and He knows the deepest desires of my heart. He made me this way. He will continue what He put in place.
This time again with co-workers, but different ones. As we stood on the ever-tightly crammed Red Line train, one of my co-workers took the time to pick the minds of these two single college graduates--me & my other co-worker.
What he asked and what he shared changed my perspective on where I am at in life right now. After we told him that we felt like we had disappointed ourselves because we are done with school and not married, he told us how he doesn't even know what that is like. His life has been a constant knowing what is next or being committed to taking care of people. He never had a chance to live on his own or live with a roommate outside of college & marriage. He never had the freedom to travel to wherever for however long--by himself. He doesn't know what my life is like.
I have always appreciated this particular friend of mine because he does bring interesting perspective to virtually every conversation. He has checked me many times and challenged me to re-think whatever I just spout out in the moment. Sadly he will be leaving the job and atmosphere he has known since he started college 11 years ago. I know I will miss him and his brotherly input in my life because I don't know my job without him there.
Anyways, the point of this post is that I really am blessed, not in a way that I am better than all my married friends, no not at all. I am blessed because this is where God wants me now. Wallowing in what the flip-side would be or what I do not have is not right. Sure I have my discouraging days and struggle often with loneliness, but all in all, I know I am loved. I am surrounded by people who are all about encouraging me and making sure they love me. My Father God is watching over me, He cares for me and He knows the deepest desires of my heart. He made me this way. He will continue what He put in place.
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