Somewhere in the Middle

So in the last two weeks I have learned there are two extremes of guys: ones too shy to ask a girl out and ones too thirsty they're dangerous. Word to all: stay away from them! Not worth the time and effort for either.

 Guys, I am worth pursuing, but also valuable enough to take it slow and take time to get to know me before jumping to getting my number & asking out for coffee.

I've thought maybe I'm reaching the age where guys my age or older than me have a pretty good reason why they're still single (not a positive reason!), so then that leaves me wondering if I'll end up with someone younger than me.  I mentioned that to my friend last night, she gave some wise thoughts on this topic.  She strongly suggested only a younger guy only if he is mature enough to lead spiritually.  I fully agree with her.  I wouldn't want it any other way.  I don't want to be this dude's mom or big sis, I want to be his Mrs. and walk beside him and support him and go to him for advise.  So I guess that spiritual maturity piece is important for any age...that man's gotta lead!

Another thought on this guy topic... my mind has been so focused on finding 'the one' the last few months and not so focused on 'the One' who made that 'one'.  A little off.  :-/ HE deserves all my attention and not just the afterthought and blame of all my childish frustrations of not getting what I want or ask for.  HE is constant and never failing, yet I fail Him every time I lack the trust to take care of me regardless of that 'one' in my life or not.

Teach me to be content moment by moment dear Jesus.  I need You deeply.  Help me to keep my eyes on you and not the selfish desires of my heart.

Selfish Values

This is probably a selfish post. And it is probably one of those personal ones that is border-line journal entry. My apologies. I am done with guys. Done. The thing I want most in life, to be a wife, a man's helper.... yeah.... today that seems impossible. Not just today, but really lately. Impossible. Very impossible. The guys who do show interest, its not mutual, and it would never work, like they are lacking very important things (FAITH in CHRIST, desire to serve overseas, etc). This I just do not understand. How can I be friends with so many godly young men who have the desire to serve overseas and yet I am never an option to them? They are completely oblivious of me. I am so sick of it. I have wasted the last six months waiting to be noticed by a particular guy. I have put myself very obviously in his path. I have shown my interest in a good-not-too-forward way. Our mutual friends know of my interest in him, heck even his siblings know. Basically our entire church knows. Surely he knows too. I feel like it is pointless to continue. All hope is gone. I'm done. I'm not just done with him, I'm done with guys in general. I don't want to have a crush ever again. I don't want to waste my time, efforts and thoughts on someone who never notices me or gives me the time of day. I realize tonight, (as I probably have so so so so so many times before) that my value is of way much more than what I am getting from this silly interest that is going no where. I am a daughter of the King, the MOST HIGH GOD ALMIGHTY. I do deserve someone who sees that and pursues me for who I am in Christ. I should not have to be the one dropping the hints and initiating everything. NO. There is nothing wrong at all about me wanting so deeply to be pursued by a man of God who values me for me and does that hard work of winning my heart. Sorry dudes, from here on out it will be hard. I don't really trust you males. Tonight I'm pretty much a hater. I wish there were more men out there, step it up. Man up already. If there is an amazing godly woman in your life, don't waste your time in your nerves, suck it up and ask her out or just be intentional about getting to know her. Ok? Please? I'm begging you. Sure I hate rejection just as much as the other person, but seriously, girls have it worse, I want to be a lady and wait for the MAN to make the moves. That is so hard when there are so FEW men in this world. Suck it up and ask her out. Take on your God-given leading role. I want to follow, I'm sure other girls do too. So here it is my selfish but-I-see-the-value-of-not-settling blog post. thanks for your time if you did read this.

If we are the Body

Last week I stumbled upon an article written by a prof at Moody and sadly I wasn't able to finish it because of the length, but some of what he said has really helped my perspective on singleness. He had a little blurb about how those of us who are single can find a remedy to the loneliness we feel in the Body of Christ, just as much as those who are married and lonely can do the same. The Body of Christ is to be that. We should never have to retreat to thinking an individual will provide the comfort we need, no that is found in Christ and His Body are the people who show His love in that way. He uses them in our lives. With that said, I have to get out what happened today when I left work. I took some pie to friends and talked there for a bit, then went to the church office to talk with the youth pastor, but ended up talking with him and then another man who works in the office. This man is a father of 5 and a little older than my own dad. He and I share a similar passion for food. After talking food for a bit he got serious. He was genuinely concerned about me. The next 20ish minutes he talked to me as if I was his own daughter and I felt like my dad was telling me what to do. I loved it. He encouraged me to get my eyes set on goals and work towards them. He had so so so many good things to say. I don't know if I can remember them all, but just the fact he took the time to sit there and talk 'dad' to me I loved. THIS was the Body of Christ to me today. This man who walks with Christ spoke things I so needed to hear right to me without knowing the depth of how I needed that. HE was just following the direction of the Holy Spirit. I walked out of his office and right to the secretary's office just to say hi..... or so I thought... She greeted me and I found myself sitting there again, listening to her wisdom, love, passion and seeing her servants heart pouring out of everything she was saying & doing. The 'dad' guy poked his head in and jokingly told her to go home, it was after 5pm. She looked at me and told me, "That's how he's always treated me." She proceeded to tell me about when they first met. She's in her late 50's now, she met him when she was 19, I'd say they are close-ish to the same age. She took him to Bible study, he said he'd only go though if she went to some scientology class with her.... she said she never had to go because he decided to follow Christ at Bible study when she took him. I was blown away encouraged by her story. She not only told me about him and this Bible study, but aslo how God used that Bible study in her life to bring her to Himself. It is so obvious He wanted her! I walked out of the church offices ready to go home, but no, one more person to talk to. The outreach pastor stopped me and asked about the Tuesday group I have been a part of for a few years now. We stood and talked for a while. I love that group, it is a ripe harvest. I long for their hearts to be softened for the truth and freedom of God & Christ. I want so bad for them to be sold out for Jesus. I want what happened to the church secretary and her friend (the dad guy) to happen to these guys. I want so badly to move into that neighborhood and have these types of Bible studies in my own home. I want to be a part of the Body of Christ that ministers to my brothers and sisters and contributes to Kingdom building.

Twenties

Does anyone else find life in the twenties hard? OH RIGHT LIFE IS HARD! I don't know what is wrong with me. I am so down. I think it is largely due to my lack of social interaction in the last week. I feel like I'm just living life, the routine things, and there isn't much meaning to it at all. Yeah, I guess I do miss my youth kids. I am ready for school to start back up and to have the normalish schedule back. So many times today I have thought about going to visit my sister and friends in New York, or how I'd like to travel the world, go camping, or so much other than where I am. And always my thoughts come back to that still small voice that whispers "be joyful where you are". I have been madly pushing that aside and wallowing in my self pity tonight. Wondering what in the world is wrong with me. Why do I try so hard to be friends with people, do I try too hard? Why am I single? Why do I live in Chicago? All of these questions are ok to have, but I can't let them get the best of me. Just yesterday I was telling my friend how I know God has me where I'm at for a reason. I don't see it all, but I know it is true. Even in the last 2 days I received random messages from people we've been witnessing to for a few years now. Through the brief interaction with them, the vision to pour into their lives more revisited my mind. I long for the day when I can move out to the neighborhood and have young people in my home constantly. The vision of seeing these people come to Christ. May that be my focus and be constantly reminded that God can and is using me now in their lives to plant seeds only He can water and bear the fruit. My heart is heavy for them. I want to see these three brothers come to Christ, their whole family and then all the friends they bring to the gym on Tuesdays. I want to see these girls who are incredibly smart and fun sold out for Jesus. I want to see every night of the week consumed with learning from the Word of God. The saints gathering together because Sunday just isn't enough time to learn all that we crave to know from God. I just have to remember that verse I have on the side of my blog ------> Habakkuk 2:3 Trust in the Lord's timing. ITs perfect, I am not. My plans fail. Constantly. The only Hope and actual Constant One I have is Christ. May He shine through my twenties too.

Stuck?

There are times this past week where I have felt extremely stuck in this city and in this place in life. I have loved living here so much. I love the people and I have recently really gotten plugged into my church which I just love. But my family is suffering. My dear mom is so sick and my brother broke his collar bone this past week. The other brother leaves for the Navy next week and my pastor dad is overwhelmed with his growing church full of hurting people. My mom texts me every day and says she wishes I was there to take care of her. I haven't been this homesick since my freshman year of college. It might be a mixture of all that's going on with my family and just feeling so confused about life right now. I feel so stuck. This job is crazy. What was I thinking? The only times during the year I actually do see my family are for Thanksgiving & Christmas, which of course are the busiest times for pies. I am so scared to ask about the holidays at work because I am sure any requested days off will be denied because of the busy season. Everyone at work is from close by. I cannot help but be sad that this could be the first Christmas I am not with my dear family. Christmas is suppose to be happy, and I honestly am not excited about this Christmas or have any happiness associated with it in my thinking. All that happens is deep sadness accompanied by tears. I know my church family would welcome me and I would have a million invites to celebrate with various families from church, but even then it would not be the same and I know I would have a hard time all day just trying to be happy for everyone. I would feel like I'm invading their family time too. I know this is part of growing up but it is just hard and been on my mind all week. We shall see what the next few months bring. Who knows, maybe they will fire me and I will have to find a new job! haha only God knows and that's all that really matters, His plan is way better than my mixed sad thoughts of what I do know. Even if I'm stuck I hope to be faithful to Him and to one day look back on this time with only praise for my King.

Its been a while!

So I haven't blogged in a long time. I actually just read the last post and am blown away at how God HAS worked and shown up and I guess I hadn't recognized it! Praise HIM! I do not work at that job anymore, and I actually miss it sometimes! I now work at a bakery, which is something I have always dreamed of, but never though possible! I still have a hard time believing it is my job. But its not all pie & cake (lol) it is probably one of the most difficult jobs I've had. Definitely the most challenging to my faith since graduating from college. I am so thankful for it, but it is hard. I don't really want to blog about that though... The past few weeks since starting this new job, which is conveniently located across the street from my church and smack dab in the middle of the neighborhood God's had me in for ministry the last 3 almost 4 years, I have been meeting/building relationships with people from my church. I started going there back in October, but not until recently had I actually been getting to know people beyond seeing them on Sunday mornings. As these relationships have begun and I have been seeking to be involved more with where I am gifted and there are needs, I am realizing that this is such a healing place for me to be. This church has so many loving people and people who desire to serve the Lord! The pastors are not the only ones who do things in the church. The elders actually run things, there are church people who take care of stuff and they pay one of my friends to clean the building! Another one of my friends is the youth director. I didn't realize until recently that I still have so much hurt from my growing up years as the pastor's daughter in a church where we did everything. I am so thankful to be a part of a functioning body, no it is by no means perfect, but I feel like it is healthy/flourishing. So thankful for these people and how accepting & loving they are. I am excited to serve with them and continue to build relationships with them as we shine the Light of Jesus to our neighborhood & strive towards Jesus together. Praise His Name!

Tired

Well I haven't blogged in so long, partly because I have thankfully been so busy! Today however, I have to blog, I haven't had many people to talk to all day, so I need to get some of these thoughts out of my head.

This week started out last Sunday with me being mildly depressed. I was so lonely. I just wanted to be with people. Yes, I would say it was a time where I probably wallowed in self-pity for too long, but it is okay to admit that I was lonely.

I was discouraged about everything. Guys, job, friends, this stage of life, etc.

Monday came, I was still down. Tuesday came. Same thing. But thankfully I was able to see some of my close friends and that helped boost my spirits some. And Wednesday night I was greatly encouraged at our accountability group by one of the guys who shared that he too had been so discouraged lately.

Tuesday I woke up and went to work just sick of my job. The last few months we have been fighting and presenting a case in hopes to make my current position full time. I have become at complete peace with them not making it full time. I actually hope they don't. I'm tired of it. I do love my job, but I am tired of it. Just ready I think for something else.

I don't know what because what I want to do, it doesn't seem possible. I have been encouraged by a few of my college friends to try to figure out what to do next and get out of Moody. I guess I'm just waiting to hear about the job. I am hoping it doesn't become full time, because I feel like if it is full time, then I will feel stuck there.

There are things I have thought about doing, and depending on what I hear from Moody in hopefully the next few weeks, I will be able with the Lord's help & direction to move forward.

Currently my thoughts are on moving to Humboldt Park/Logan Square area and working at either a bakery in that area or a Starbucks. I'd be closer to my friends I hang out with outside of work and my church.

The other thought is a little more on the extreme side, look into pursuing an RA position at BFA in Germany.

I don't know. I just know that I'm tired of my current job and am ready for what God has next. I'm tired of always not feeling content.

What's next Lord and where will You take me?

Lessons Learned

There are two things that have been on my mind lately, not really related, only in the sense that I know my family has passed them down and I am so thankful for them.

The first dealing with racism. This past Monday was Martin Luther King Jr Day, a holiday and for a lot of people, just a day without work. This was the first time for me that it meant the most to me. I listened to a sermon from Willow Creek Community Church in Chicago by Pastor Bill Hybels on Monday. I was moved to tears as he described the disturbing and infuriating reality of what the people who now make up the USA did to so many other people who were seen as 'less'. Near the end of his message he said that racism is a learned behavior, and most of the time it is learned in families.

That statement made me think of my family. I remember when I found out about the American Girl doll collection for the first time. I was looking through the catalog and found the most beautiful doll. I wanted her. I was only eight years old and was just enamored with her beauty and wanted her to be mine so much. My grandparents gave me Addy Walker, the African American doll. No one in my family said anything about it, to me it was just fine until a friend or someone I knew asked why I would choose a doll that doesn't look anything like me. I remember feeling so hurt and sad by that. I had never considered getting a doll that looked like me! I wanted the most beautiful one! It must have been an issue because I remember my dad talking about how my grandpa responded to any type of racial comments or actions, anger. It was NOT allowed. Grandpa had NO TOLERANCE for racism. Grandpa was a calm man and dad would probably say today that he did not lose his temper often, but this was an area that was not tolerable, ever. My dad says that some of his childhood friends who lived on the same block were Hispanic and people had problems playing with them. He said in the Williamson family, it is not like that. They are people too. We are to treat them no different. We are not better just because of a different skin color.

I am so thankful that I learned about race from my family. Sure, I have learned so much more from living with people who are brown & black, but a lot of it is as Bill Hybels said, a learned behavior. Now some of my closest, deepest friends are of a different skin color and I'm the one in the 'minority'. I love it. I would not ever ask for it any different.

The other thing, totally not related, but has been on my mind a lot is the whole idea of a strong work ethic.

This too I believe is learned from the family. I am so thankful for my great parents who taught us from a young age the importance of hard work and attention to details. I remember times where I got in trouble for not being observant. That happened a lot. Now I work in a job that requires my every step to be observant. Every detail matters. This isn't just about hard work, I feel like it also encompasses taking good care of what you have. Maybe because when one works hard for what they have, the appreciate it more? I don't know, but I do know that my parents drilled it into our heads that a messy room communicates that we did not care about our toys. They told us to keep track of our belongings. Dad always told me that if a job was worth doing, it was worth doing well. I always follow that up with, the job is probably worth doing, so I had better do a good job, wait, the best I can do!

I do not say all this to brag, I just had to write out in words the thoughts that have been rolling around in my head this week. I am so thankful for these things from my family. Good lessons learned...and still learning!

Mind Battle

The last few days I have had a raging battle in my mind. There is a guy I like and I cannot get him out of my head. The first thing I noticed about this guy is how godly he is. God is everything to him. He is so different than any guy I've ever been interested in and I can not believe I like him as much as I do because of little things that I've always just assumed came with a person (job, school, older than me, etc) however, this guy has none of those things at this point in life. But honestly, that doesn't bother me because even though I don't know him well, I do know that he loves God so much. He seeks after te heart of God.

Anyhow, I just had to write this down. Even if nothing happens from this, it's fun to look back at these things.

Rest my raging waring mind please Father! I just want to rest in You knowing that You will take care of me and what comes to pass will come to pass, it will not be overdue a single day!! Even if this is just a reminder from You that there are godly young men still out there, let it be. Help my mind to rest in peace. Knowing that my life is in Your hands, I have nothing to fear or worry about.