Screaming over and over, the same words, the same tone, and the same voice.
It went on all night long. Too faint to make out what was said, but the terror was clear. It wasn't a tantrum of a child, or a couple fondly in love, no it sounded as if someone was in trouble and in pain, or even remembering a past event of a very painful situation.
It woke me up several times. Fear swept over me and it took me a good half hour each time to fall back asleep.
All of this has hastened my prayers for a life partner. I do not enjoy being all alone without any physical presence of protection.
And then today, graduation, I thought I would sit with people from my church, and then they weren't coming. So I started thinking of people I could sit with (yet again frustrated that I didn't have someone to sit with and all my good girl friends were either graduating, or not coming). I texted 3 guys, all of which were extremely unhelpful in allowing me to join them. I decided I would just look around and find someone, and sure enough, there was one of my good married friends sitting with his parents and in-laws watching his wife graduate, and I got to sit with them! Which I am so thankful for.
I just am impatient and am really tired of doing life solo...even though I do rather enjoy it, there are times that I long for someone to share it with, even just their presence would be nice.
God, you know my heart, please comfort me in all my needs and help me to walk each day according to what Your will is for me, and help me to see that Your plan is perfect as is Your timing. Help me to trust you with all my doubts and fears!
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Monday, May 9, 2011
What...?
Just about everyday I get asked these two questions:
What will you even do this summer? (Will there be work for you?)
-and/or-
How long will you be working at Moody?
My response to the first question is usually a nicer form of saying, "Well, I wasn't planning on being homeless and hungry this summer."
My response to the next question is usually, "I have no idea. I love my job. I want to be a wife. I want to be a missionary. I guess I'm just waiting on God to see what He has for me next, for now I'm serving Him here."
I'm sure those who inquire mean well, I just get a little frustrated because it appears my answers (specifically for the second question) are not good enough.
As of lately I think about 'the world outside Moody' and where God may take me.
Last night my roommate asked if I've ever thought of culinary school. I have, but not in too much depth because of the cost. And well, we all know, I really don't like going to school and sitting in a class room, but just to be optimistic, maybe culinary school isn't a learning experience I've ever had. I asked a friend today about his experience at culinary school, and any suggestions he had for me about the possibility, he encouraged me to check out getting a certificate as a pastry chef. I would love that.
Another thing I toss around every few weeks is being an RA or cook at Black Forest Academy (BFA, an international school) in Germany. Again today a friend asked what I'm doing after Moody, and I told him about how I have been accepted to BFA, but that was back when I first took my job at Moody and committed to a year with them. So I guess it is still a consideration in my mind.
So I guess these things are what play in my mind every once in a while when I see December coming in a few months (lol), meaning that my 'one year' at Moody will be up... do I go, do I stay? Only God will show the way and that will only be through waiting and passing of time! For now I serve Him in the mindset of Philippians 2:14-15
Do all things without grumbling or disputing;so that you will prove yourselves to be blameless and innocent, children of God above reproach in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you appear as lights in the world,
What will you even do this summer? (Will there be work for you?)
-and/or-
How long will you be working at Moody?
My response to the first question is usually a nicer form of saying, "Well, I wasn't planning on being homeless and hungry this summer."
My response to the next question is usually, "I have no idea. I love my job. I want to be a wife. I want to be a missionary. I guess I'm just waiting on God to see what He has for me next, for now I'm serving Him here."
I'm sure those who inquire mean well, I just get a little frustrated because it appears my answers (specifically for the second question) are not good enough.
As of lately I think about 'the world outside Moody' and where God may take me.
Last night my roommate asked if I've ever thought of culinary school. I have, but not in too much depth because of the cost. And well, we all know, I really don't like going to school and sitting in a class room, but just to be optimistic, maybe culinary school isn't a learning experience I've ever had. I asked a friend today about his experience at culinary school, and any suggestions he had for me about the possibility, he encouraged me to check out getting a certificate as a pastry chef. I would love that.
Another thing I toss around every few weeks is being an RA or cook at Black Forest Academy (BFA, an international school) in Germany. Again today a friend asked what I'm doing after Moody, and I told him about how I have been accepted to BFA, but that was back when I first took my job at Moody and committed to a year with them. So I guess it is still a consideration in my mind.
So I guess these things are what play in my mind every once in a while when I see December coming in a few months (lol), meaning that my 'one year' at Moody will be up... do I go, do I stay? Only God will show the way and that will only be through waiting and passing of time! For now I serve Him in the mindset of Philippians 2:14-15
Do all things without grumbling or disputing;so that you will prove yourselves to be blameless and innocent, children of God above reproach in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you appear as lights in the world,
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Spring Spring!
Oh Sun Please Shine! I think tomorrow I may go for a walk outside in the radiance of the rays, so sun, please shine!
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Capture
My heart is so full
and I want you to know
how beautiful you are
how much you are cared for
Please hear as He calls you
come to Him
He wants you
Come as you are
Turn from the glistening things of this place
Join the family
He wants you, come to Him
He is waiting for you
Is there anyway you will turn
and truly see the light?
Can I say anything more?
I want you to know how beautiful you are
I want you to know He loves you
more than anyone in this world
Seek Him
He will not fail
His love is perfect
His love is strong
His love changes
His love is real
and I want you to know
how beautiful you are
how much you are cared for
Please hear as He calls you
come to Him
He wants you
Come as you are
Turn from the glistening things of this place
Join the family
He wants you, come to Him
He is waiting for you
Is there anyway you will turn
and truly see the light?
Can I say anything more?
I want you to know how beautiful you are
I want you to know He loves you
more than anyone in this world
Seek Him
He will not fail
His love is perfect
His love is strong
His love changes
His love is real
Challenge
As defined by the dictionary:
Challenge
–noun
1.
a call or summons to engage in any contest, as of skill, strength, etc.
2.
something that by its nature or character serves as a call to battle, contest, special effort, etc.: Space exploration offers a challenge to humankind.
3.
a call to fight, as a battle, a duel, etc.
4.
a demand to explain, justify, etc.: a challenge to the treasurer to itemize expenditures.
5.
difficulty in a job or undertaking that is stimulating to one engaged in it.
6.
Military . the demand of a sentry for identification or a countersign.
I have found myself using this word multiple times a day and in various conversations in the last few days. I notice that recently I have been challenged to be more intentional and even that is challenging. I am learning that to be challenged is not a bad thing, it is good. I feel that sometimes when it seems I've been challenged it is by the Holy Spirit; He is stretching me to go out of my comfort and do something more than I am now.
This weekend away at camp with the kids of the city was a challenge. Not only in the sense that I was one of two people out of a group of 35 that was white, but also just culturally, I was way out of my so called element.
But again, even with this challenge, I was reminded the importance of flexibility in ministry and life. Challenges are not to be avoided or even to run from, but are to be taken (usually) face on and with confidence. There were moments on this camping trip that I was incredibly uncomfortable and knew that the kids thought I was crazy, but all I could do was respond in love and confidence that I have in Him.
Even just talking with Clive for a few hours there and back was a reminder to me of the recent challenges the Spirit has been revealing in my life. I am encouraged through conversation with Clive, Carlos, Gerald & Confessor that inner city ministry is rough and challenging, but not meaningless.
To end this post I just want to share what Carlos told our kids last night during our Bible time, we talked about church and 'challenged' them to start meeting and studying the Bible with us. Carlos presented the church to us with the focus on a family aspect rather than the building, title or location. With this mindset of church and knowing the backgrounds of the kids present he said this:
"Come to God, He changes the DNA. You don't have to get right before getting to God, come to Him and He'll change you. God wants to adopt you into His family."
If you read this and follow Christ, please pray for those who heard this and know what we are all about, pray that their hearts would soften and desire to go deeper.
If you read this and do not know Him, read that again, I challenge you to come to Him, despite all that is going on in your life and your past, Come to God, He CHANGES DNA! He makes you HIS OWN!
Challenge
–noun
1.
a call or summons to engage in any contest, as of skill, strength, etc.
2.
something that by its nature or character serves as a call to battle, contest, special effort, etc.: Space exploration offers a challenge to humankind.
3.
a call to fight, as a battle, a duel, etc.
4.
a demand to explain, justify, etc.: a challenge to the treasurer to itemize expenditures.
5.
difficulty in a job or undertaking that is stimulating to one engaged in it.
6.
Military . the demand of a sentry for identification or a countersign.
I have found myself using this word multiple times a day and in various conversations in the last few days. I notice that recently I have been challenged to be more intentional and even that is challenging. I am learning that to be challenged is not a bad thing, it is good. I feel that sometimes when it seems I've been challenged it is by the Holy Spirit; He is stretching me to go out of my comfort and do something more than I am now.
This weekend away at camp with the kids of the city was a challenge. Not only in the sense that I was one of two people out of a group of 35 that was white, but also just culturally, I was way out of my so called element.
But again, even with this challenge, I was reminded the importance of flexibility in ministry and life. Challenges are not to be avoided or even to run from, but are to be taken (usually) face on and with confidence. There were moments on this camping trip that I was incredibly uncomfortable and knew that the kids thought I was crazy, but all I could do was respond in love and confidence that I have in Him.
Even just talking with Clive for a few hours there and back was a reminder to me of the recent challenges the Spirit has been revealing in my life. I am encouraged through conversation with Clive, Carlos, Gerald & Confessor that inner city ministry is rough and challenging, but not meaningless.
To end this post I just want to share what Carlos told our kids last night during our Bible time, we talked about church and 'challenged' them to start meeting and studying the Bible with us. Carlos presented the church to us with the focus on a family aspect rather than the building, title or location. With this mindset of church and knowing the backgrounds of the kids present he said this:
"Come to God, He changes the DNA. You don't have to get right before getting to God, come to Him and He'll change you. God wants to adopt you into His family."
If you read this and follow Christ, please pray for those who heard this and know what we are all about, pray that their hearts would soften and desire to go deeper.
If you read this and do not know Him, read that again, I challenge you to come to Him, despite all that is going on in your life and your past, Come to God, He CHANGES DNA! He makes you HIS OWN!
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Confidence
The voices I hear tell me I'm nothing, tell me that those girls have power over me and that I am weak.
These voices lie.
I am told to resist the voice of the devil, he has NO power over me. The POWER of Christ IN me is all I need. Who I really am is all because of Jesus and the power of what He did for me. My complete identity is in Him. Why would I loose my thoughts in the lies of the deceiver when the truth is so evident and powerful?
I will continue to resist those voices that whisper in the quiet, crevices of my mind, I will tell them they lie. I will tell them the truth, I will tell them that because of Christ, all these things I fear He knows and holds dear, He will not forsake me, He will forever take care of me, He goes before me, behind me, and all around me. He walks before me, preparing the way and He allows all things to work together for my good, because He loves me.
So I will walk ahead, though this fearful place, through the voices around me saying I won't make it, and into the unknown, but only because I know that the peace of laying all my cares at His feet is real, saving and sweet, I know I will not be harmed, even in the darkest valley, He will forever and ever be at my side. My confidence is in Him alone.
These voices lie.
I am told to resist the voice of the devil, he has NO power over me. The POWER of Christ IN me is all I need. Who I really am is all because of Jesus and the power of what He did for me. My complete identity is in Him. Why would I loose my thoughts in the lies of the deceiver when the truth is so evident and powerful?
I will continue to resist those voices that whisper in the quiet, crevices of my mind, I will tell them they lie. I will tell them the truth, I will tell them that because of Christ, all these things I fear He knows and holds dear, He will not forsake me, He will forever take care of me, He goes before me, behind me, and all around me. He walks before me, preparing the way and He allows all things to work together for my good, because He loves me.
So I will walk ahead, though this fearful place, through the voices around me saying I won't make it, and into the unknown, but only because I know that the peace of laying all my cares at His feet is real, saving and sweet, I know I will not be harmed, even in the darkest valley, He will forever and ever be at my side. My confidence is in Him alone.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Comfort and Christ
Who doesn't like to be comfortable?
My friends tease me all the time about how I just relax in my jeans and shirt or whatever outfit I've had on all day. Apparently that's not 'comfortable' in their minds. I'm fine with that, but really my point is not the difference of my friends & I with our relaxation clothing; instead I want to talk about how we all want comfort at some level.
Recently I have been challenged by the Spirit that I am comfortable. My life is surrounded by the comfort of believers. I live and work with people who are following after Christ and living for Him.
Ok, piece of cake, no big deal, whatever you may be thinking. I know I think that over and over again too. Sure I see people regularly and briefly interface with individuals in my building, however I have not branched out and shown the Love of Christ to them, I have not made the effort to be different than the rest of the walled-world around us. I guess I find that even just saying hi or making the effort to put others first in those brief interactions is not 'comfortable' for me and instead of doing what Christ would do, I avoid it altogether and conform to the rest of the world around me.
A few weeks ago, one of the leaders of my church asked me if I have gotten to know people in my building, I shamefully said no. I actually hadn't even thought of it.
Last night I came home from a wonderful Christ-centered wedding. Upon entering my building, checking my mail and casually greeting the door man, I attempted to go to my apartment--like normal, right? Then he stopped me. The door man, the one person I have met and interfaced with the most intentionality (mostly because he is extremely good looking and ALWAYS greets me by first name), he stopped me. He asked me where I am from because he had noticed my Carhart coat and knew I wasn't a Chicago girl. We then talked for about 10 minutes and eventually conversation came to Christianity and church. The conversation flowed so smoothly and I was nervous just because of that! I did not want to hide who the person of Christ is to me, but this was not comfortable either!
My friend came down into the lobby as we were talking, so our conversation ended, but as I went back to my apartment, I was more challenged in this area the Spirit has been working on me. My friend and I spoke for a long while about our fear in sharing the Gospel because of our own lack of faith or distrust of God. The conclusion we came to is that our lives should be examples of Christ. That is truly what I want, to be radiating Christ through my daily life and every interaction with anyone. I want it to be obvious that I follow Him, but not annoyingly so, I want it to be pure, real love of Christ. That come as you are type of love that is warm and welcoming, not condemning and in your face a turn off.
I hope that there are more conversations to come with this door man. I am challenged more now to be intentional with him as well as speak up in a loving way to others I see regularly in order to shine the love of Jesus.
Comfort, is not something high on the list of following Christ. I don't think we need to trash it all together, because honestly, sometimes in cultural situations that would not be appropriate at all, but there does need to be a sense in our personal lives that we are being stretched and challenged to not be so comfortable that we ignore sharing the Greatest News of all, that of Jesus Christ and the freeing life He gives.
My friends tease me all the time about how I just relax in my jeans and shirt or whatever outfit I've had on all day. Apparently that's not 'comfortable' in their minds. I'm fine with that, but really my point is not the difference of my friends & I with our relaxation clothing; instead I want to talk about how we all want comfort at some level.
Recently I have been challenged by the Spirit that I am comfortable. My life is surrounded by the comfort of believers. I live and work with people who are following after Christ and living for Him.
Ok, piece of cake, no big deal, whatever you may be thinking. I know I think that over and over again too. Sure I see people regularly and briefly interface with individuals in my building, however I have not branched out and shown the Love of Christ to them, I have not made the effort to be different than the rest of the walled-world around us. I guess I find that even just saying hi or making the effort to put others first in those brief interactions is not 'comfortable' for me and instead of doing what Christ would do, I avoid it altogether and conform to the rest of the world around me.
A few weeks ago, one of the leaders of my church asked me if I have gotten to know people in my building, I shamefully said no. I actually hadn't even thought of it.
Last night I came home from a wonderful Christ-centered wedding. Upon entering my building, checking my mail and casually greeting the door man, I attempted to go to my apartment--like normal, right? Then he stopped me. The door man, the one person I have met and interfaced with the most intentionality (mostly because he is extremely good looking and ALWAYS greets me by first name), he stopped me. He asked me where I am from because he had noticed my Carhart coat and knew I wasn't a Chicago girl. We then talked for about 10 minutes and eventually conversation came to Christianity and church. The conversation flowed so smoothly and I was nervous just because of that! I did not want to hide who the person of Christ is to me, but this was not comfortable either!
My friend came down into the lobby as we were talking, so our conversation ended, but as I went back to my apartment, I was more challenged in this area the Spirit has been working on me. My friend and I spoke for a long while about our fear in sharing the Gospel because of our own lack of faith or distrust of God. The conclusion we came to is that our lives should be examples of Christ. That is truly what I want, to be radiating Christ through my daily life and every interaction with anyone. I want it to be obvious that I follow Him, but not annoyingly so, I want it to be pure, real love of Christ. That come as you are type of love that is warm and welcoming, not condemning and in your face a turn off.
I hope that there are more conversations to come with this door man. I am challenged more now to be intentional with him as well as speak up in a loving way to others I see regularly in order to shine the love of Jesus.
Comfort, is not something high on the list of following Christ. I don't think we need to trash it all together, because honestly, sometimes in cultural situations that would not be appropriate at all, but there does need to be a sense in our personal lives that we are being stretched and challenged to not be so comfortable that we ignore sharing the Greatest News of all, that of Jesus Christ and the freeing life He gives.
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