Optimistic

Ok SO last nights blog was like vomit. What follows now will be the recap of what I have processed through today.

Although I lay in bed last night sobbing uncontrollably like I never have before and everything inside me screamed to God in fear "I do NOT want to be single!! I do NOT want to be a single missionary!! I am too scared to go to the mission field!!" I don't know if I've ever felt so angry and scared at God before. Not that He is really to blame, but last night, that's who I cried to, screamed to and pleaded with.

Today I battled tears as I corrected Micah to eat his peaches and wiped Matty's face. As I read my journal this afternoon of the last two weeks while at COP, I realized that multiple times I prayed that I would be willing to be single. How come that seemed to change yesterday? How come it is such a struggle? Because it is something I really wanted, something that I desire. And even my flesh. Which isn't wrong, but what I realized today is that hey, I'm still young. Even though there may not be any good guys left in this world, the whole dating/marriage thing can wait. More pressing is the proclamation of the Gospel and making of disciples. That is what I have chosen and no matter where I am, who I'm with, what I'm doing, or anything else, that is what my mission will be. I have chosen to follow Christ, and that means that the journey is not easy, but that I must share His love with all who I encounter, in hopes that some will choose to follow too.

So for today I end with this bit of optimism amidst the sadness of my heavy heart, The Gospel must be proclaimed. Disciples must be made. Marriage can wait, at least for this season of life. Sure it is scary, but isn't that life? What fun is it if there is no risk? I guess I just stepped out on faith yet again.

Father, make my heart willing and dedicated to Your service. Let Your peace fill me. Let Your Love season me. Let Your grace be about me. Let all who I come in contact see You in me. For I am Yours.

Why?

Why? Why? I know this is the wrong question to ask. Sometimes it is the only thing that I can even think of to say. I felt tonight for the first time EVER that I was sitting at a fork in the road, one way to the right, and one way to the left, but knowing the outcome of both paths lead to bringing God glory. Sitting there, how can one choose? And did I choose the right way? I have no clue. All I know that in sitting there thinking about the meaning of the way I was choosing opened up a can of thoughts too big to even express in words. I found myself at the most selfish I have ever been. I did not want to choose one way because it would mean leaving someone who has greatly impacted my life and challenged me to see life and relationships in a whole new way. I realized that I had been clinging to him for my security and safety, instead of holding him openly before the Lord. The Lord must know what this is like too. He must know how I feel. How it saddens me. That I chose to hold on to a person more than I chose to hold on to Him. I feel like the scum of the earth. I just must keep reminding myself that I have learned so much in the last three months, it was not a waste. I have not changed in God's sight. That is the truth. I must cling to that. I must walk up this dangerous, scary road of unknowns clinging to Him alone.

Clutter

Just arrived back from COP at Avant for the last two weeks and not only does all the information received there overwhelm me, but also the place I currently live, the job I have and all that has to be done to get anywhere from here.

Today I am realizing how important it is for me to have a home in order... if I don't have my home in order, my life feels even more out of order. Everything in the home has a place it belongs, and it should be there. Dust doesn't belong, and neither does the dirt. So now that laundry is in the wash, clean dishes are put away, and the table wiped, it was time to sit at the computer and vent. But pressing down on me is the knowledge of possibly rotting food in the fridge, all the dusty shelves in the living room, the stacks of boxes, books, and clutter in the bedroom, and all the dirty dishes in the sink... oh yeah, and to clean myself and the bathroom. Oh boy. And this is all just the apartment??? Wow. To think that all of that stuff has to be done and yet tomorrow I hit the grind stone again working with Micah & Matty all day, and then being totally exhausted when I get home. What do I do about the food I don't have? What about support raising? I don't feel organized there either. Oh dear, what about a budget? Where is the time to get these things done? And then Luke, sweet Luke, thankfully he's so patient with me. I just hope the next week doesn't kill me! Lord, help me to not forget You through the busyness. As I spend time with You, please give me the motivation and strength to get this never ending list of overwhelming things done. Season my words to others with grace and love, help me to not speak out of my stress to those I care about.

Crying

Today multiple times I just wanted to cry. I couldn't though. This happens from time to time, and I don't know how much it plays into my monthly cycle, but I just can't get the tears to come even though I know how much it would really help things chemically in my body to get some tears out!

I think that this problem stems from the lie that was instilled in me from a young age that crying is wrong and that my parents would give me something to really cry about. Sure, our emotions can be overbearing and we need to be careful to not live by them alone, but they are from God too, and sometimes I wish that I could just cry. I have no problem choking up in a cheesy Hallmark movie or even those Christian ones... but other times, I just don't have the tears that so badly want to come out.

Take God at His Word, He will NOT fail!

Yesterday was a day of reassurance for me as I sat through the first session of Avant's Candidate Orientation Program. I was assured that all my feelings of hesitancy, fear, and uncertainty were somewhat normal and wise to feel. It is good to have questions and seek the Lord for His direction and confirmation about where and what He wants me to do.

The lingering fear throughout the day yesterday though was that of letting people down despite the decision I make. I was constantly having to remind myself however, that in following God, no one can argue with Him because what He directs is the way I will go.

Today the message was clear, even in subtle ways that maybe only I saw and that was simply the Spirit speaking to my heart, but over and over I heard "He will not fail you! He who has made it known that you will serve Him will NOT let you down!" What a comfort that was and is to me today. I feel like I have always known that to be true, but today specifically I needed to hear that.

Just hearing that was so freeing for me to open up and actually share with people what is going on and allow for real conversations to take place. I don't know the answer yet, all I know with all confidence is that I am to serve my God. In what capacity that is still to be determined, but He will let me know. He has been so faithful in the past, there is no room for me to doubt that He will make His plan clear for me when His time is right. As for now, today, July 13, 2010, I pursue plans with Avant, knowing that at any moment the Lord can and will change that if He desires me to do something else. I have no clue what that means for Luke & I, I have no clue about the time line of things for even the next few months, all I know for certain is my God will not let me down, He will not leave me, He will not fail me, and I am His.

I am Yours Father, take me where You want me.

"Strip away all that remains for Your glory and Your Name
'til there's nothing left of me
Burn the kingdoms I have made that You would shine
And I would fade 'til there's nothing left of me
'til there's nothing left of me"
(Nothing Left of Me by Joel Engle)