Why?

Why? Why? I know this is the wrong question to ask. Sometimes it is the only thing that I can even think of to say. I felt tonight for the first time EVER that I was sitting at a fork in the road, one way to the right, and one way to the left, but knowing the outcome of both paths lead to bringing God glory. Sitting there, how can one choose? And did I choose the right way? I have no clue. All I know that in sitting there thinking about the meaning of the way I was choosing opened up a can of thoughts too big to even express in words. I found myself at the most selfish I have ever been. I did not want to choose one way because it would mean leaving someone who has greatly impacted my life and challenged me to see life and relationships in a whole new way. I realized that I had been clinging to him for my security and safety, instead of holding him openly before the Lord. The Lord must know what this is like too. He must know how I feel. How it saddens me. That I chose to hold on to a person more than I chose to hold on to Him. I feel like the scum of the earth. I just must keep reminding myself that I have learned so much in the last three months, it was not a waste. I have not changed in God's sight. That is the truth. I must cling to that. I must walk up this dangerous, scary road of unknowns clinging to Him alone.