Optimistic

Ok SO last nights blog was like vomit. What follows now will be the recap of what I have processed through today.

Although I lay in bed last night sobbing uncontrollably like I never have before and everything inside me screamed to God in fear "I do NOT want to be single!! I do NOT want to be a single missionary!! I am too scared to go to the mission field!!" I don't know if I've ever felt so angry and scared at God before. Not that He is really to blame, but last night, that's who I cried to, screamed to and pleaded with.

Today I battled tears as I corrected Micah to eat his peaches and wiped Matty's face. As I read my journal this afternoon of the last two weeks while at COP, I realized that multiple times I prayed that I would be willing to be single. How come that seemed to change yesterday? How come it is such a struggle? Because it is something I really wanted, something that I desire. And even my flesh. Which isn't wrong, but what I realized today is that hey, I'm still young. Even though there may not be any good guys left in this world, the whole dating/marriage thing can wait. More pressing is the proclamation of the Gospel and making of disciples. That is what I have chosen and no matter where I am, who I'm with, what I'm doing, or anything else, that is what my mission will be. I have chosen to follow Christ, and that means that the journey is not easy, but that I must share His love with all who I encounter, in hopes that some will choose to follow too.

So for today I end with this bit of optimism amidst the sadness of my heavy heart, The Gospel must be proclaimed. Disciples must be made. Marriage can wait, at least for this season of life. Sure it is scary, but isn't that life? What fun is it if there is no risk? I guess I just stepped out on faith yet again.

Father, make my heart willing and dedicated to Your service. Let Your peace fill me. Let Your Love season me. Let Your grace be about me. Let all who I come in contact see You in me. For I am Yours.