He just walked out the gate

Welp. That dude I've liked since Easter just walked out the gate. He leaves tomorrow morning for two months overseas, and no, I'm not going with him.

I'm done with him.  I don't really think he knows I exist even though I've made it completely obvious thousands upon thousands of times.  I've cried buckets of tears over him and thought I was done with him a little over a month ago.  But of course I'm  a girl and the tiniest little thing set me off in a whirl and had me thinking there was hope of him liking me and pursing something.

Nope.

Nada.

SOOOO this weekend I had the flash to reality that if he did like me, he would do something about it.  I am worth pursing and I do not need to do all this worrying and thinking.  I am done with crushes.  As crazy as that sounds, I really really am done with crushes.  Done.  They are no more for me.

What God is trying to communicate to me as I woke up for church Sunday morning was that my singleness is a Gift.  I've been reacting like a child who gets exactly what they didn't ask for at Christmas.  I am screaming, crying, kicking and pushing it away saying 'I HATE IT!'.

But it is a Gift from Almighty God, the true Lover of my soul.  He has given this to me, He gives the best gifts and what we need most.  I desperately need Him and to take all this focus off of me and my wants and focus on Him and His wants for me.

I am now transitioning out of this 'I hate it' mentality to trying to accept this gift that now I see is given to me to enjoy, and how I have been responding.  How much that must hurt His heart as the Giver?  It must grieve Him to see me treat His Gift this way.  And isn't that exactly what happened on the cross? Yes, the Gospel is hitting me now, even as I type this blog post, my utter need for Jesus, the very One I mock and 'hate', He is the One I need.

He is my Gift.

I started this year out with one 'goal' and that is that I fall more in love with Him, the One who is pursing me and knows me better than any other.  Well, He's doing it, pursing me, drawing me to Himself.  How will I respond?

Somewhere in the Middle

So in the last two weeks I have learned there are two extremes of guys: ones too shy to ask a girl out and ones too thirsty they're dangerous. Word to all: stay away from them! Not worth the time and effort for either.

 Guys, I am worth pursuing, but also valuable enough to take it slow and take time to get to know me before jumping to getting my number & asking out for coffee.

I've thought maybe I'm reaching the age where guys my age or older than me have a pretty good reason why they're still single (not a positive reason!), so then that leaves me wondering if I'll end up with someone younger than me.  I mentioned that to my friend last night, she gave some wise thoughts on this topic.  She strongly suggested only a younger guy only if he is mature enough to lead spiritually.  I fully agree with her.  I wouldn't want it any other way.  I don't want to be this dude's mom or big sis, I want to be his Mrs. and walk beside him and support him and go to him for advise.  So I guess that spiritual maturity piece is important for any age...that man's gotta lead!

Another thought on this guy topic... my mind has been so focused on finding 'the one' the last few months and not so focused on 'the One' who made that 'one'.  A little off.  :-/ HE deserves all my attention and not just the afterthought and blame of all my childish frustrations of not getting what I want or ask for.  HE is constant and never failing, yet I fail Him every time I lack the trust to take care of me regardless of that 'one' in my life or not.

Teach me to be content moment by moment dear Jesus.  I need You deeply.  Help me to keep my eyes on you and not the selfish desires of my heart.

Selfish Values

This is probably a selfish post. And it is probably one of those personal ones that is border-line journal entry. My apologies. I am done with guys. Done. The thing I want most in life, to be a wife, a man's helper.... yeah.... today that seems impossible. Not just today, but really lately. Impossible. Very impossible. The guys who do show interest, its not mutual, and it would never work, like they are lacking very important things (FAITH in CHRIST, desire to serve overseas, etc). This I just do not understand. How can I be friends with so many godly young men who have the desire to serve overseas and yet I am never an option to them? They are completely oblivious of me. I am so sick of it. I have wasted the last six months waiting to be noticed by a particular guy. I have put myself very obviously in his path. I have shown my interest in a good-not-too-forward way. Our mutual friends know of my interest in him, heck even his siblings know. Basically our entire church knows. Surely he knows too. I feel like it is pointless to continue. All hope is gone. I'm done. I'm not just done with him, I'm done with guys in general. I don't want to have a crush ever again. I don't want to waste my time, efforts and thoughts on someone who never notices me or gives me the time of day. I realize tonight, (as I probably have so so so so so many times before) that my value is of way much more than what I am getting from this silly interest that is going no where. I am a daughter of the King, the MOST HIGH GOD ALMIGHTY. I do deserve someone who sees that and pursues me for who I am in Christ. I should not have to be the one dropping the hints and initiating everything. NO. There is nothing wrong at all about me wanting so deeply to be pursued by a man of God who values me for me and does that hard work of winning my heart. Sorry dudes, from here on out it will be hard. I don't really trust you males. Tonight I'm pretty much a hater. I wish there were more men out there, step it up. Man up already. If there is an amazing godly woman in your life, don't waste your time in your nerves, suck it up and ask her out or just be intentional about getting to know her. Ok? Please? I'm begging you. Sure I hate rejection just as much as the other person, but seriously, girls have it worse, I want to be a lady and wait for the MAN to make the moves. That is so hard when there are so FEW men in this world. Suck it up and ask her out. Take on your God-given leading role. I want to follow, I'm sure other girls do too. So here it is my selfish but-I-see-the-value-of-not-settling blog post. thanks for your time if you did read this.

If we are the Body

Last week I stumbled upon an article written by a prof at Moody and sadly I wasn't able to finish it because of the length, but some of what he said has really helped my perspective on singleness. He had a little blurb about how those of us who are single can find a remedy to the loneliness we feel in the Body of Christ, just as much as those who are married and lonely can do the same. The Body of Christ is to be that. We should never have to retreat to thinking an individual will provide the comfort we need, no that is found in Christ and His Body are the people who show His love in that way. He uses them in our lives. With that said, I have to get out what happened today when I left work. I took some pie to friends and talked there for a bit, then went to the church office to talk with the youth pastor, but ended up talking with him and then another man who works in the office. This man is a father of 5 and a little older than my own dad. He and I share a similar passion for food. After talking food for a bit he got serious. He was genuinely concerned about me. The next 20ish minutes he talked to me as if I was his own daughter and I felt like my dad was telling me what to do. I loved it. He encouraged me to get my eyes set on goals and work towards them. He had so so so many good things to say. I don't know if I can remember them all, but just the fact he took the time to sit there and talk 'dad' to me I loved. THIS was the Body of Christ to me today. This man who walks with Christ spoke things I so needed to hear right to me without knowing the depth of how I needed that. HE was just following the direction of the Holy Spirit. I walked out of his office and right to the secretary's office just to say hi..... or so I thought... She greeted me and I found myself sitting there again, listening to her wisdom, love, passion and seeing her servants heart pouring out of everything she was saying & doing. The 'dad' guy poked his head in and jokingly told her to go home, it was after 5pm. She looked at me and told me, "That's how he's always treated me." She proceeded to tell me about when they first met. She's in her late 50's now, she met him when she was 19, I'd say they are close-ish to the same age. She took him to Bible study, he said he'd only go though if she went to some scientology class with her.... she said she never had to go because he decided to follow Christ at Bible study when she took him. I was blown away encouraged by her story. She not only told me about him and this Bible study, but aslo how God used that Bible study in her life to bring her to Himself. It is so obvious He wanted her! I walked out of the church offices ready to go home, but no, one more person to talk to. The outreach pastor stopped me and asked about the Tuesday group I have been a part of for a few years now. We stood and talked for a while. I love that group, it is a ripe harvest. I long for their hearts to be softened for the truth and freedom of God & Christ. I want so bad for them to be sold out for Jesus. I want what happened to the church secretary and her friend (the dad guy) to happen to these guys. I want so badly to move into that neighborhood and have these types of Bible studies in my own home. I want to be a part of the Body of Christ that ministers to my brothers and sisters and contributes to Kingdom building.

Twenties

Does anyone else find life in the twenties hard? OH RIGHT LIFE IS HARD! I don't know what is wrong with me. I am so down. I think it is largely due to my lack of social interaction in the last week. I feel like I'm just living life, the routine things, and there isn't much meaning to it at all. Yeah, I guess I do miss my youth kids. I am ready for school to start back up and to have the normalish schedule back. So many times today I have thought about going to visit my sister and friends in New York, or how I'd like to travel the world, go camping, or so much other than where I am. And always my thoughts come back to that still small voice that whispers "be joyful where you are". I have been madly pushing that aside and wallowing in my self pity tonight. Wondering what in the world is wrong with me. Why do I try so hard to be friends with people, do I try too hard? Why am I single? Why do I live in Chicago? All of these questions are ok to have, but I can't let them get the best of me. Just yesterday I was telling my friend how I know God has me where I'm at for a reason. I don't see it all, but I know it is true. Even in the last 2 days I received random messages from people we've been witnessing to for a few years now. Through the brief interaction with them, the vision to pour into their lives more revisited my mind. I long for the day when I can move out to the neighborhood and have young people in my home constantly. The vision of seeing these people come to Christ. May that be my focus and be constantly reminded that God can and is using me now in their lives to plant seeds only He can water and bear the fruit. My heart is heavy for them. I want to see these three brothers come to Christ, their whole family and then all the friends they bring to the gym on Tuesdays. I want to see these girls who are incredibly smart and fun sold out for Jesus. I want to see every night of the week consumed with learning from the Word of God. The saints gathering together because Sunday just isn't enough time to learn all that we crave to know from God. I just have to remember that verse I have on the side of my blog ------> Habakkuk 2:3 Trust in the Lord's timing. ITs perfect, I am not. My plans fail. Constantly. The only Hope and actual Constant One I have is Christ. May He shine through my twenties too.

Stuck?

There are times this past week where I have felt extremely stuck in this city and in this place in life. I have loved living here so much. I love the people and I have recently really gotten plugged into my church which I just love. But my family is suffering. My dear mom is so sick and my brother broke his collar bone this past week. The other brother leaves for the Navy next week and my pastor dad is overwhelmed with his growing church full of hurting people. My mom texts me every day and says she wishes I was there to take care of her. I haven't been this homesick since my freshman year of college. It might be a mixture of all that's going on with my family and just feeling so confused about life right now. I feel so stuck. This job is crazy. What was I thinking? The only times during the year I actually do see my family are for Thanksgiving & Christmas, which of course are the busiest times for pies. I am so scared to ask about the holidays at work because I am sure any requested days off will be denied because of the busy season. Everyone at work is from close by. I cannot help but be sad that this could be the first Christmas I am not with my dear family. Christmas is suppose to be happy, and I honestly am not excited about this Christmas or have any happiness associated with it in my thinking. All that happens is deep sadness accompanied by tears. I know my church family would welcome me and I would have a million invites to celebrate with various families from church, but even then it would not be the same and I know I would have a hard time all day just trying to be happy for everyone. I would feel like I'm invading their family time too. I know this is part of growing up but it is just hard and been on my mind all week. We shall see what the next few months bring. Who knows, maybe they will fire me and I will have to find a new job! haha only God knows and that's all that really matters, His plan is way better than my mixed sad thoughts of what I do know. Even if I'm stuck I hope to be faithful to Him and to one day look back on this time with only praise for my King.

Its been a while!

So I haven't blogged in a long time. I actually just read the last post and am blown away at how God HAS worked and shown up and I guess I hadn't recognized it! Praise HIM! I do not work at that job anymore, and I actually miss it sometimes! I now work at a bakery, which is something I have always dreamed of, but never though possible! I still have a hard time believing it is my job. But its not all pie & cake (lol) it is probably one of the most difficult jobs I've had. Definitely the most challenging to my faith since graduating from college. I am so thankful for it, but it is hard. I don't really want to blog about that though... The past few weeks since starting this new job, which is conveniently located across the street from my church and smack dab in the middle of the neighborhood God's had me in for ministry the last 3 almost 4 years, I have been meeting/building relationships with people from my church. I started going there back in October, but not until recently had I actually been getting to know people beyond seeing them on Sunday mornings. As these relationships have begun and I have been seeking to be involved more with where I am gifted and there are needs, I am realizing that this is such a healing place for me to be. This church has so many loving people and people who desire to serve the Lord! The pastors are not the only ones who do things in the church. The elders actually run things, there are church people who take care of stuff and they pay one of my friends to clean the building! Another one of my friends is the youth director. I didn't realize until recently that I still have so much hurt from my growing up years as the pastor's daughter in a church where we did everything. I am so thankful to be a part of a functioning body, no it is by no means perfect, but I feel like it is healthy/flourishing. So thankful for these people and how accepting & loving they are. I am excited to serve with them and continue to build relationships with them as we shine the Light of Jesus to our neighborhood & strive towards Jesus together. Praise His Name!

Tired

Well I haven't blogged in so long, partly because I have thankfully been so busy! Today however, I have to blog, I haven't had many people to talk to all day, so I need to get some of these thoughts out of my head.

This week started out last Sunday with me being mildly depressed. I was so lonely. I just wanted to be with people. Yes, I would say it was a time where I probably wallowed in self-pity for too long, but it is okay to admit that I was lonely.

I was discouraged about everything. Guys, job, friends, this stage of life, etc.

Monday came, I was still down. Tuesday came. Same thing. But thankfully I was able to see some of my close friends and that helped boost my spirits some. And Wednesday night I was greatly encouraged at our accountability group by one of the guys who shared that he too had been so discouraged lately.

Tuesday I woke up and went to work just sick of my job. The last few months we have been fighting and presenting a case in hopes to make my current position full time. I have become at complete peace with them not making it full time. I actually hope they don't. I'm tired of it. I do love my job, but I am tired of it. Just ready I think for something else.

I don't know what because what I want to do, it doesn't seem possible. I have been encouraged by a few of my college friends to try to figure out what to do next and get out of Moody. I guess I'm just waiting to hear about the job. I am hoping it doesn't become full time, because I feel like if it is full time, then I will feel stuck there.

There are things I have thought about doing, and depending on what I hear from Moody in hopefully the next few weeks, I will be able with the Lord's help & direction to move forward.

Currently my thoughts are on moving to Humboldt Park/Logan Square area and working at either a bakery in that area or a Starbucks. I'd be closer to my friends I hang out with outside of work and my church.

The other thought is a little more on the extreme side, look into pursuing an RA position at BFA in Germany.

I don't know. I just know that I'm tired of my current job and am ready for what God has next. I'm tired of always not feeling content.

What's next Lord and where will You take me?

Lessons Learned

There are two things that have been on my mind lately, not really related, only in the sense that I know my family has passed them down and I am so thankful for them.

The first dealing with racism. This past Monday was Martin Luther King Jr Day, a holiday and for a lot of people, just a day without work. This was the first time for me that it meant the most to me. I listened to a sermon from Willow Creek Community Church in Chicago by Pastor Bill Hybels on Monday. I was moved to tears as he described the disturbing and infuriating reality of what the people who now make up the USA did to so many other people who were seen as 'less'. Near the end of his message he said that racism is a learned behavior, and most of the time it is learned in families.

That statement made me think of my family. I remember when I found out about the American Girl doll collection for the first time. I was looking through the catalog and found the most beautiful doll. I wanted her. I was only eight years old and was just enamored with her beauty and wanted her to be mine so much. My grandparents gave me Addy Walker, the African American doll. No one in my family said anything about it, to me it was just fine until a friend or someone I knew asked why I would choose a doll that doesn't look anything like me. I remember feeling so hurt and sad by that. I had never considered getting a doll that looked like me! I wanted the most beautiful one! It must have been an issue because I remember my dad talking about how my grandpa responded to any type of racial comments or actions, anger. It was NOT allowed. Grandpa had NO TOLERANCE for racism. Grandpa was a calm man and dad would probably say today that he did not lose his temper often, but this was an area that was not tolerable, ever. My dad says that some of his childhood friends who lived on the same block were Hispanic and people had problems playing with them. He said in the Williamson family, it is not like that. They are people too. We are to treat them no different. We are not better just because of a different skin color.

I am so thankful that I learned about race from my family. Sure, I have learned so much more from living with people who are brown & black, but a lot of it is as Bill Hybels said, a learned behavior. Now some of my closest, deepest friends are of a different skin color and I'm the one in the 'minority'. I love it. I would not ever ask for it any different.

The other thing, totally not related, but has been on my mind a lot is the whole idea of a strong work ethic.

This too I believe is learned from the family. I am so thankful for my great parents who taught us from a young age the importance of hard work and attention to details. I remember times where I got in trouble for not being observant. That happened a lot. Now I work in a job that requires my every step to be observant. Every detail matters. This isn't just about hard work, I feel like it also encompasses taking good care of what you have. Maybe because when one works hard for what they have, the appreciate it more? I don't know, but I do know that my parents drilled it into our heads that a messy room communicates that we did not care about our toys. They told us to keep track of our belongings. Dad always told me that if a job was worth doing, it was worth doing well. I always follow that up with, the job is probably worth doing, so I had better do a good job, wait, the best I can do!

I do not say all this to brag, I just had to write out in words the thoughts that have been rolling around in my head this week. I am so thankful for these things from my family. Good lessons learned...and still learning!

Mind Battle

The last few days I have had a raging battle in my mind. There is a guy I like and I cannot get him out of my head. The first thing I noticed about this guy is how godly he is. God is everything to him. He is so different than any guy I've ever been interested in and I can not believe I like him as much as I do because of little things that I've always just assumed came with a person (job, school, older than me, etc) however, this guy has none of those things at this point in life. But honestly, that doesn't bother me because even though I don't know him well, I do know that he loves God so much. He seeks after te heart of God.

Anyhow, I just had to write this down. Even if nothing happens from this, it's fun to look back at these things.

Rest my raging waring mind please Father! I just want to rest in You knowing that You will take care of me and what comes to pass will come to pass, it will not be overdue a single day!! Even if this is just a reminder from You that there are godly young men still out there, let it be. Help my mind to rest in peace. Knowing that my life is in Your hands, I have nothing to fear or worry about.

The Last Few Months

Well I just realized I haven't blogged in a LONG time. Over a month. I think about it and then I just don't do it.

Honestly, a lot has happened in the last few months.

Mostly spiritually. The end of the summer the church I had been a part of stopped meeting and I began feeling the deep sadness and mourning the loss of something that had become a huge part of my life and week. I missed the weekly gathering of our tight-knit body of believers.

Then one of the men from that house church (as we affectionately called it), contacted me about coming to a Bible study that has been meeting in his home for some time. I was thrilled beyond words to start meeting with this group mostly because I have heard about what happens at this Bible study and had met a few of the core people who attend.

The first few weeks were good, I loved it yes, but it was slightly a challenge because I had to learn names, relations, and get over the fact that I was the only white person there.

This group has captured my heart. As the weeks have progressed, I found myself longing for Friday night, so ready to be with them all again. This being not only because they are such a fun group and we play Mafia after studying the Word, but because the hunger for learning and growing is so contagious. I don't know a time in my life were I have been around people so excited to know the things of God--and I went to Bible School! You would think the people there would have such contagious presence! Learning with this group has been a huge encouragement and so very refreshing.

The last few years all of the ministry I have been a part of off campus has been mainly outreach/evangelistic focused with little to no results. That can be and is discouraging to countless Christian workers.

While this Friday group is definitely outreach and evangelistic in nature, it is so much more. The people who come who are not believers are engulfed in a room for sometimes six hours with people who only show them love. Our leader's wife said once that could possibly be why they keep coming, they realize that they want to be loved like that. Its a safe place.

Due to the evangelistic turn our Fridays have taken, a few weeks ago we decided to have the core believers meet on Wednesday nights for accountability to deepen our faith and grow in the knowledge of the Word so that we can better witness and love on those who come on Fridays.

So far this too has greatly impacted my spiritual life. Again, I have never experienced anything like this. There are five girls, and five guys. We meet and separate by gender. In our tight groups of five we discuss the scripture we read in the previous week, allowing for questions and clarification on any part of the text. This is so good for the new believers in our group! And they soak it all up! We also have committed to pray for the lost people we interact with daily. These are specific people. We desire to see these people come to know Christ.

And lastly we confess sins to each other. This is hard I think for all of us because most of the group (myself included) has never done this in front of others. It is biblical and so freeing to lay our sins out there, and know that what is said in that place stays there, and is forgiven. We close in prayer and leave with a new section of scripture to read for the following week.

Because of this, I have been in the Word because I want to more than I have in five years. (And I went to BIBLE COLLEGE??!!?!?! yes.) I say this not to brag, but to say my life has been greatly affected by this group. I needed spiritual renewal/revival and God brought it just when He knew I needed it. He brought this group of people and an older couple who naturally and passionately pour into all of us.

Can I just tell you what we've read? It's so exciting and so much fun!
Homework for Bible study one week: Psalm 119 (as many times as we could!)
Week 1: Luke
Week 2: Proverbs
(currently) Week 3: Romans and Colossians(x2)

For the Wednesday group we have a healthy competition going between the guys and girls: Each week we report in on who completed the entire assigned reading, one point is given per person who completed it, two points are deducted for any one person who does not finish. The prize for the winning team is a choice of either a John MacArthur Commentary or purchasing chicks for a village in Cambodia. So far as of Wednesday night this week the girls are winning. :)

So basically I just had to share this or put it into typed out words so that I can look back and see this amazing season of life and remember what God is doing!

The Ladies

So my job is amazing. I basically grocery shop for 1000+ people daily. When I'm not working on my order, I'm putting food away on shelves and managing the student workers who are a major part of the 'stocking' process, as well as communicating with the different crews as far as their menu needs and directing people to the items we have ready to be served. My boss and I are in constant communication about who is getting what in when and where we are putting it, what gets labeled and what is the cheapest. It is definitely sometimes stressful and crazy, but it is so wonderful and I love it very much.

I am sure I've said this before, but what really makes my job is the people. My boss is incredible! I love learning from her in even just the way she conducts herself and communicates to others. She is generous in love and compassion, always has a listening ear and is wise wise wise! She is a person certain of where she stands before God, she knows without a doubt that she would not be who she is today without Him and the dramatic way He brought her to Him. She is devoted.

The students are also a huge part of why I love my job. I get to interact with all 9 different crews within Food Service. I love this part so much. Just getting to know the students and help them as we together serve Moody is just wonderful. They just have an energy and joy that is contagious and I can't seem to get enough of.

There are the cooks (the main cause of all my frustrations) and I love them all. Mostly men and one dear wonderful lady , but they are great regardless of the crazy things we encounter!

Then there are the ladies as every other full-time Food Service employee endearingly calls them. These seven ladies are probably some of the most overlooked people in Food Service and they are by far the most interesting to me. One thing that has fascinated me since I started working in Food Service back in 2007, is that these ladies communicate so well with each other, and even sometimes better with each other than with anyone else in the kitchen. This is fascinating because within the seven of them there are three rich, deep cultural backgrounds represented: Vietnamese, African American, and Hispanic--all with thick accents.

Daily I talk with the ladies and learn from their wisdom, and laugh with them about silly things that we see or hear. They share a lot with me and I love it. They even give me great advice from guys to healthy eating habits. One thing I've noticed is when I show interest in food they are making, I always end up with some, even if I don't ask...they just hand me a plate and I'm expected to eat it.

Today was just like that. Vihn walked into the storeroom (aka my office) and asked why we had bamboo on the shelf, I told her it was for a recipe a few months ago, she said she was going to use it. At lunch time all she was talking about was bamboo. She gave me a bowl, I had no idea what it would taste like, but I took it because my Vietnameese mother would have it no other way. I ate it and LOVED it.

Later I walked by the baker station and saw Josephina working on peppers... I stopped and inquired about what she was doing and she gave me a plate with instructions on how to properly heat it in the microwave. I told her I would eat it right then. And oh. my. wonderful. It was heavenly good. My Mexican momma took care of me. :)

These ladies are a joy. I care for them so much and probably more than I realize they care for me too. I am so glad that for the last 5 years my life has been impacted by godly women who come from a range of backgrounds and experience, yet we serve the same God and that is what unites us to serve Him together.

Thank You Lord.

People

Tonight I find myself alone. It is too quiet. I get so down when I'm alone.

Recently a good friend told me something that made me realize something about myself. She said I desire and long to care for a man, its as if I was just made and programed that way. I had not really thought of it that way, but I think she was right. There are many many many days that I am totally fine being single and I enjoy my freedom and independence so so so much, but there are about the same amount of days that I do long for that person to do life with. I suppose today is one of those.

I have to remind myself that there are wonderful things about the quiet, people-less nights too. I can spend time in the Word, prayer and calling loved ones. I just have to remember to not dwell on all the things that I don't have when it is so quiet and I have some 'down time' before I interact with people again. There is so much I can still do!

I just love love love people. I love the crazy busyness, excitement, joy, encouragement, real stuff *good & bad*, and all the life things that come with individuals. I love it. It fascinates me that God made each of us so different, yet there are people that identify specially with others because of certain similarities that draw them together. I love it. He is amazing that way. No one is better than anyone else and all are here for His glory, whether they see it that way or not.

Sometimes my roommate and I don't talk, but we are in the same room, I love even that. Part of our relationship that I love, we know each other well enough that we don't have to constantly entertain or avoid each other. There is a happy medium and I love it. Just to have one's presence in the room just is so wonderful to me.

Questions, no answers....yet

Back in May my roommate and sister got engaged. I thought, oh, yeah, I have plenty of time to figure out what and where I'm at by the time my roommate gets married. I should know by then if I'm staying in Chicago, getting married or even if and who I will live with after she leaves.

We talked last night and it started to hit me that she is leaving SOON. End of February to be exact. Our lease is up April, I don't know what to do.

My job commitment was for a year, that is up in December, but at this point I have no reason to tell them I'm leaving, as far as they know, I'm staying.

End of February is not a great time for having a new roommate join the apartment, but something will work out.

Do I renew the lease? Or do I find a new place and move? Again the question of roommates, or should I find a place I can afford for myself? If I do move and keep my job, I probably would have to get a car. If I get a car, I have to get insurance.

If I were to move, the most logical location would be back to the neighborhood I lived in just after graduation. I end up out there three times at least a week now. But then, if I move out there, why not just apply for full time ministry with ICI?

But my heart's tug is to go overseas. I cannot ignore this. What am I suppose to do?

Recently the church I had been attending for almost 3 years stopped meeting, and most of my close friends are no longer in the city.

Now seems like the most logical time to go, but I am at such a loss as to what and where. There are so many options and I don't feel led to any. What am I suppose to do?

Just the things that are rolling around in my head...I am scared and uncertain... I know He is faithful... I know He will lead.... I know I have to trust Him.

God, Please Give me Patience... NOW!!!!

I remember praying for patience a lot during high school at my nursing home job. By God's grace alone I worked there for 2 years. Those prayers for patience were always always always tested and answered with great opportunities to be patient!

I'd like to say that I am a relatively easy-going and gentle person. The last two weeks the monster inside of me has emerged. I must not handle stress well at all. And mostly I am frustrated with myself at how worked up I get over the littlest things.

I asked my dad recently how to deal with difficult people in the work place, and he said over and over again, patience. This coming from the man in my life I know the best and who I know has a terrible temper. Unfortunately, I take after him in not only his looks, and personality, but his temper too.

The last two weeks my boss has been on vacation, and apparently at other jobs when the boss is gone it's basically vacation time for the employees. Not the case at my job. I have been running around crazy almost 9 hours straight for the last two weeks. The thing is, I can do it, I know I can. The thing that bothers me is when other people don't do their part of the job to help the whole team. Also, in my frustration with others I get worried that my coworkers perceive me to be incapable of handling all that I am responsible for while my boss is out. I wish I was better at controlling my freak outs.

Thankfully God put some good, understanding friends in my path today who were rather encouraging and that helped immensely. I put on that positive attitude and decided that today was not going to be a terrible day, even if it started out not so great, I was determined it would end well, and it did.

Tomorrow will be no different, I will pray for patience, the tests will come. No matter what is thrown at me, I hope that when the test comes, I will pass and pass with a higher grade than today. I want to be Christlike in my work and I want to speak with grace and gentleness. I suppose those are skills that take time to learn and learning through mistakes. He will teach me, that I am certain!

Time?

Thursday I said good-bye to my last friend who shared the current stage of life in this city.

Friday I hid with memories and people of dishcrew.

Saturday I cried for a few hours as it hit me: my dear friend really did get on that plane, she really did go to India for the next 4 months, and no, I did not go.

I so desperately wanted to sit and talk with someone, or again, hide by spending time with other friends, but everyone was busy. The facts are, the people around me are consumed in different things than I am at this point of life. I know many married people, many single people, but either of these groups defined by relationship status have a secondary identifier: school or ministry or both, and now most of them if married, families too.

I don't have a church anymore, and I am just at the end of one ministry and have my foot in the door of another.

Not sure what to do.

As I sat with the hot tears streaming down my face Saturday, I found myself yet again clinging to the only Hope left, the Only One who is always there and never fails.

My faith in question, I have to cling to Him. He will guide. I am reminded of the countless people who have gone on before me, they risked it all. They gave up all they knew and all for the sake of the Gospel.

What am I doing for the Gospel to be heard?

Today as I walked down the busy streets of Chicago, in the early, dark morning, and again this bright, sunny afternoon, the unsettling stirring inside me saying how I don't like the city was clear for the first time in almost 5 years. Was it just something today or is this the time that God is moving me on? I have no clue. I have to keep reminding myself that right now I don't have to have it all figured out. I have to trust day by day that my God will take care of me.

I have to remember those times in the past that He's been faithful and how I look back at the obvious intervention of my Mighty God. He's not done, why should I doubt?

Do I have fear? Well of course! Do I want to know now? Well yes!

But tonight I will sleep, knowing that if I'm given tomorrow, I'll go to what I know and live for Him regardless, trusting that He will guide me.

Reality Checks

Most days I find my mind wandering off into some distant thought of fantasy. As soon as a thought is triggered, I run fast toward all the possibilities of that thought and anything that correlates to it.

Sometimes on occasion I have snap-backs to reality and usually am humbled and ashamed by how far I had run from what actually is true.

Recently I feel that these reality checks have been more often, which is good I guess, if I'm getting my mind more in-tune to the Spirit and His power over me, which is true, when I chose to have Christ redeem me, I chose for the Spirit to come and help me.

So then I don't know why I still default into fantasy/dreamy mode. Is it a lack of contentment or a lack of discipline of my mind? Does it reflect how much more I need my Savior and the power of His Word in my life? I think so.

Today on my walk home I was praying the words to a song, Refiner's Fire,

Purify my heart,
let me be as gold and precious silver.
Purify my heart,
let me be as gold, pure gold.

(Chorus)
Refiner's fire,
my heart's one desire
is to be…holy;
set apart for You, Lord.
I choose to be…holy;
set apart for You, my Master,
ready to do Your will.

Purify my heart,
cleanse me from within
and make me holy.
Purify my heart,
cleanse me from my sin, deep within.

I so desperately need Jesus. I need Him in all aspects of my life. My default is sin, but with the change Christ has made in me, and the Help of the Spirit, I can be grace and love.

Purify me.

Gospel

"Jessica, I need you to come out to the hall with me, we need to talk."

She gave me that familiar scowl.

We took a seat just outside the cabin door.

"Jessica, you know the rules for camp. They have been the same all week. You must stay with our group when we go somewhere. Can you tell me why you were not with us tonight?"

"This girl was talking bad about me, I had to make things right with her, I just didn't think you would let me."

"You didn't ask! Had you asked and let me know what was going on I probably would have let you talk with her. I'm all about working things out with people and living in peace with one another."

"Yes, but I know I said things I shouldn't have."

"Do you think you can go back to her and apologize for the things you said and try to make it right?"

"OH NO!! Maybe you could do that BUT I COULD NEVER DO THAT!!"

"Can I tell you why I would want to make things right?
Jessica, I mess up all the time. But think about all the lessons and all the verses you've heard this week, it all is about the same thing. We ALL do bad things! WE are ALL unclean, unpure, and filthy! The only way to get cleaned and have all that stuff washed away again is to accept that Jesus is the only One who can clean you, believe that He died for you, and confess that you are a sinner and accept His forgiveness. I made that decision and even though I still mess up, I know that when God looks at me He sees Jesus first and accepts me for who I am in Him, He has forgiven my sins past, present and future, He can and will do the same for you, if you want Him to."

"I want that! I want that!"

"All you have to do Jessica is what I just said, just say it outloud, like you're talking to Jesus, say 'Jesus, I am a sinner. I need your forgiveness. I believe that You can take away my punishment for sin, please forgive me, I want to live for You' "



This was a little paraphrase of my last night at camp this past week with Jr. High kids from the inner city of Chicago. Having this opportunity to share Christ with Jessica and many others was such a joy and excitement I have not experienced in such a long time.

The power of the Gospel is real. And yes, there are people even in the USA who have never even heard of Jesus dying on a cross, I met a girl like that at camp too.

Praise God for this new life in Christ!

Blessed

Today I ventured out for my third Cub game of the season.

This time again with co-workers, but different ones. As we stood on the ever-tightly crammed Red Line train, one of my co-workers took the time to pick the minds of these two single college graduates--me & my other co-worker.

What he asked and what he shared changed my perspective on where I am at in life right now. After we told him that we felt like we had disappointed ourselves because we are done with school and not married, he told us how he doesn't even know what that is like. His life has been a constant knowing what is next or being committed to taking care of people. He never had a chance to live on his own or live with a roommate outside of college & marriage. He never had the freedom to travel to wherever for however long--by himself. He doesn't know what my life is like.

I have always appreciated this particular friend of mine because he does bring interesting perspective to virtually every conversation. He has checked me many times and challenged me to re-think whatever I just spout out in the moment. Sadly he will be leaving the job and atmosphere he has known since he started college 11 years ago. I know I will miss him and his brotherly input in my life because I don't know my job without him there.

Anyways, the point of this post is that I really am blessed, not in a way that I am better than all my married friends, no not at all. I am blessed because this is where God wants me now. Wallowing in what the flip-side would be or what I do not have is not right. Sure I have my discouraging days and struggle often with loneliness, but all in all, I know I am loved. I am surrounded by people who are all about encouraging me and making sure they love me. My Father God is watching over me, He cares for me and He knows the deepest desires of my heart. He made me this way. He will continue what He put in place.

Teens

Tonight I watched two movies, back to back about teens seeking to be accepted by either an abusive boyfriend or sex. The second movie was saturated with teens having sex, so much that the entire high school in the movie was basically infested with syphilis.

The interesting thing is that watching these movies reminded me of high school and all my friends and everything that people would talk about Monday after the 'best weekend yet'.

What facinated me in these movies was the parents. They so desperately want to sheild ehtier children from the sex-saturated world we live in, and give them a proper/less skewed view on sex, but their curious children were caving under the pressure around them by friends or even just the culture itself.

It terrified me to watch and wonder what I would say to my own teenager. I have no idea. Whatever my parents told me must have helped, but is it true that some things like that skip generations? Like since my dad was a partier, and I was not, will my children be?

Maybe the answer lies in training them from a young age the values of waiting and saving sex for the confines of marriage and to not cave even though peer pressure is rough.

I guess I don't want my children to be majorly sheltered, but I do want them to know right from wrong and choose to follow Christ and live lives that honor Him in every decision they make.

It must be really hard and faith stretching to be a parent.