Just arrived back from COP at Avant for the last two weeks and not only does all the information received there overwhelm me, but also the place I currently live, the job I have and all that has to be done to get anywhere from here.
Today I am realizing how important it is for me to have a home in order... if I don't have my home in order, my life feels even more out of order. Everything in the home has a place it belongs, and it should be there. Dust doesn't belong, and neither does the dirt. So now that laundry is in the wash, clean dishes are put away, and the table wiped, it was time to sit at the computer and vent. But pressing down on me is the knowledge of possibly rotting food in the fridge, all the dusty shelves in the living room, the stacks of boxes, books, and clutter in the bedroom, and all the dirty dishes in the sink... oh yeah, and to clean myself and the bathroom. Oh boy. And this is all just the apartment??? Wow. To think that all of that stuff has to be done and yet tomorrow I hit the grind stone again working with Micah & Matty all day, and then being totally exhausted when I get home. What do I do about the food I don't have? What about support raising? I don't feel organized there either. Oh dear, what about a budget? Where is the time to get these things done? And then Luke, sweet Luke, thankfully he's so patient with me. I just hope the next week doesn't kill me! Lord, help me to not forget You through the busyness. As I spend time with You, please give me the motivation and strength to get this never ending list of overwhelming things done. Season my words to others with grace and love, help me to not speak out of my stress to those I care about.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Crying
Today multiple times I just wanted to cry. I couldn't though. This happens from time to time, and I don't know how much it plays into my monthly cycle, but I just can't get the tears to come even though I know how much it would really help things chemically in my body to get some tears out!
I think that this problem stems from the lie that was instilled in me from a young age that crying is wrong and that my parents would give me something to really cry about. Sure, our emotions can be overbearing and we need to be careful to not live by them alone, but they are from God too, and sometimes I wish that I could just cry. I have no problem choking up in a cheesy Hallmark movie or even those Christian ones... but other times, I just don't have the tears that so badly want to come out.
I think that this problem stems from the lie that was instilled in me from a young age that crying is wrong and that my parents would give me something to really cry about. Sure, our emotions can be overbearing and we need to be careful to not live by them alone, but they are from God too, and sometimes I wish that I could just cry. I have no problem choking up in a cheesy Hallmark movie or even those Christian ones... but other times, I just don't have the tears that so badly want to come out.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Take God at His Word, He will NOT fail!
Yesterday was a day of reassurance for me as I sat through the first session of Avant's Candidate Orientation Program. I was assured that all my feelings of hesitancy, fear, and uncertainty were somewhat normal and wise to feel. It is good to have questions and seek the Lord for His direction and confirmation about where and what He wants me to do.
The lingering fear throughout the day yesterday though was that of letting people down despite the decision I make. I was constantly having to remind myself however, that in following God, no one can argue with Him because what He directs is the way I will go.
Today the message was clear, even in subtle ways that maybe only I saw and that was simply the Spirit speaking to my heart, but over and over I heard "He will not fail you! He who has made it known that you will serve Him will NOT let you down!" What a comfort that was and is to me today. I feel like I have always known that to be true, but today specifically I needed to hear that.
Just hearing that was so freeing for me to open up and actually share with people what is going on and allow for real conversations to take place. I don't know the answer yet, all I know with all confidence is that I am to serve my God. In what capacity that is still to be determined, but He will let me know. He has been so faithful in the past, there is no room for me to doubt that He will make His plan clear for me when His time is right. As for now, today, July 13, 2010, I pursue plans with Avant, knowing that at any moment the Lord can and will change that if He desires me to do something else. I have no clue what that means for Luke & I, I have no clue about the time line of things for even the next few months, all I know for certain is my God will not let me down, He will not leave me, He will not fail me, and I am His.
I am Yours Father, take me where You want me.
"Strip away all that remains for Your glory and Your Name
'til there's nothing left of me
Burn the kingdoms I have made that You would shine
And I would fade 'til there's nothing left of me
'til there's nothing left of me"
(Nothing Left of Me by Joel Engle)
The lingering fear throughout the day yesterday though was that of letting people down despite the decision I make. I was constantly having to remind myself however, that in following God, no one can argue with Him because what He directs is the way I will go.
Today the message was clear, even in subtle ways that maybe only I saw and that was simply the Spirit speaking to my heart, but over and over I heard "He will not fail you! He who has made it known that you will serve Him will NOT let you down!" What a comfort that was and is to me today. I feel like I have always known that to be true, but today specifically I needed to hear that.
Just hearing that was so freeing for me to open up and actually share with people what is going on and allow for real conversations to take place. I don't know the answer yet, all I know with all confidence is that I am to serve my God. In what capacity that is still to be determined, but He will let me know. He has been so faithful in the past, there is no room for me to doubt that He will make His plan clear for me when His time is right. As for now, today, July 13, 2010, I pursue plans with Avant, knowing that at any moment the Lord can and will change that if He desires me to do something else. I have no clue what that means for Luke & I, I have no clue about the time line of things for even the next few months, all I know for certain is my God will not let me down, He will not leave me, He will not fail me, and I am His.
I am Yours Father, take me where You want me.
"Strip away all that remains for Your glory and Your Name
'til there's nothing left of me
Burn the kingdoms I have made that You would shine
And I would fade 'til there's nothing left of me
'til there's nothing left of me"
(Nothing Left of Me by Joel Engle)
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
relaxation?
A few of the things on earth I really take pleasure in:
A clean, spotless kitchen
A tidy, clean bathroom
A home-cooked meal shared with others
Cleaning clutter and throwing things away
Writing thank you notes... 2 months late... oops!
A cool breezy room to sleep in at night
For some reason tonight I had the cleaning bug and the apartment is looking and smelling better. Much still needs to be done, but it is not bothering me as much anymore. Amazing how freeing it is to do all those things I said above. Just helps me think clearer... maybe? Or perhaps, it is just a way to relax? I began watching Sweet Home Alabama, but had to just keep cleaning. :)
A clean, spotless kitchen
A tidy, clean bathroom
A home-cooked meal shared with others
Cleaning clutter and throwing things away
Writing thank you notes... 2 months late... oops!
A cool breezy room to sleep in at night
For some reason tonight I had the cleaning bug and the apartment is looking and smelling better. Much still needs to be done, but it is not bothering me as much anymore. Amazing how freeing it is to do all those things I said above. Just helps me think clearer... maybe? Or perhaps, it is just a way to relax? I began watching Sweet Home Alabama, but had to just keep cleaning. :)
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Jeremiah 29:11
This verse rang through my head tonight as I walked from dinner with Rome teammates to see Luke. I don't even know what to feel or think right now and the words of truth in Jeremiah 29:11 are such a comfort knowing that He has a plan for me, a future of hope, plans that will not harm me, plans to protect and provide and encourage. If I seek Him with all of my heart I will find Him. That is what I want, maybe that is why I'm struggling right now with feeling mixed about all that is going on in my life. I need to cast it at His feet and just live day by day in surrender to Him. I must seek Him with all that I am. He is the only One worth it to make life satisfying and bring about completeness. My identity is in Him and that is all that matters. He is the One who puts the smile on my face each morning and gives me motivation to make it through each day. He is the reason I live. The kids song "If I Were a Butterfly" has been an encouragement to me this week. The words "I just want to thank You Father for making me me! Because You gave me a heart, and You gave me my smile, You gave me Jesus and You made me Your child, and I just want to thank You Father for making me me! Those words I have heard since I was a child but it wasn't until last Saturday that I heard that song by a little girl in my church that I began to think about the immense truth in those words! What a declaration! That is really who I am! I should be thinking more about who Christ is and who I am to conform to, rather than all my short-comings and failures that can be so blinding.
Lord please have Your way in my life. Give discernment and show me where to walk. I give myself to You. My greatest desire is to serve You. You are my passion and reason to live.
Lord please have Your way in my life. Give discernment and show me where to walk. I give myself to You. My greatest desire is to serve You. You are my passion and reason to live.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Six Weeks
Six weeks is a long time to get to know someone new. A year ago today my new friend at the time were wandering around a foreign city with other new friends from different parts of the world. The only thing that brought us together was Jesus.
Six weeks. Did I even realize how special this person was in my life when I met her for the first time? Did I realize that she would be the only other real friend I stay in contact with via phone?
Now as I just hung up that phone after catching up on life, I realize just how blessed I am to have her in my life. Each time I talk with her I feel refreshed and encouraged to look at life a little differently. She did that tonight, she worded my thoughts so well and helped me to know what to ask God for in a more clear, distinct manner.
I long for relationships like this where people spurn one another on. Oh how we need that. Isn't that what we are called to? Isn't that what discipleship is? Following Jesus and helping others follow Him? Sounds good, sign me up.
Thank You God for Janae, oh how You have used her in my life to show me more of Yourself. If all my internship did in the positive light was Janae, I am thankful for that!
Little did I know that six weeks would be enough time to connect so deeply with someone and in such a way that most of my other friends cannot relate.
Six weeks. Did I even realize how special this person was in my life when I met her for the first time? Did I realize that she would be the only other real friend I stay in contact with via phone?
Now as I just hung up that phone after catching up on life, I realize just how blessed I am to have her in my life. Each time I talk with her I feel refreshed and encouraged to look at life a little differently. She did that tonight, she worded my thoughts so well and helped me to know what to ask God for in a more clear, distinct manner.
I long for relationships like this where people spurn one another on. Oh how we need that. Isn't that what we are called to? Isn't that what discipleship is? Following Jesus and helping others follow Him? Sounds good, sign me up.
Thank You God for Janae, oh how You have used her in my life to show me more of Yourself. If all my internship did in the positive light was Janae, I am thankful for that!
Little did I know that six weeks would be enough time to connect so deeply with someone and in such a way that most of my other friends cannot relate.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
End
Looking back I have no regrets. This semester has been wonderful. It has been rough. There were parts that have been the hardest of my life yet. But through it all, I do not regret a single one of the struggles or 'bumps' thrown on the road. God has proven Himself yet faithful again and again, over and over again. He never fails. He is the One who makes things happen, good and bad but always for His Glory. It sometimes just takes time to see the beauty after the ashes. It takes time to see the reasons for the hard stuff.
The beginning of this semester I prayed specifics about getting involved in lives of girls on my floor. God has answered that with an emphatic YES! He has put girls naturally into my daily life who have been such an encouragement to me and who have been there through some of the roughest stuff. He has also provided younger girls to pour into and learn from as well. That has been huge. I am so thankful to Him for these girls.
I could go on about His provision, but there is no way it would all fit on this blog!
As sad as it is to say good bye to this community, it is so exciting to know that the next stage of life is right around the corner. I look forward so much to what God has in store. I'm sure He has an adventure planned! I know just enough for now. That's all and that's ok. There are things I am unsure of, many many things, but wow, God has proven His faithfulness, I think I can trust Him with these uncertainties too.
I just want these last few days with friends and Moody to be full of joy and happy memories. I don't want the sad, sappy good-byes. I want to move on to the next stage and welcome it because we can't live in the past. Let's embrace what is set before us! Let's rejoice in this day the Lord has given so graciously!
He is good. I want to know Him. I want to serve Him. I'm overwhelmed by His love. He is faithful. He is my provider. He is my all. He is the one I'm crazy about. He is everything I need. He is sufficient. He is powerful. He is a comfort.
The beginning of this semester I prayed specifics about getting involved in lives of girls on my floor. God has answered that with an emphatic YES! He has put girls naturally into my daily life who have been such an encouragement to me and who have been there through some of the roughest stuff. He has also provided younger girls to pour into and learn from as well. That has been huge. I am so thankful to Him for these girls.
I could go on about His provision, but there is no way it would all fit on this blog!
As sad as it is to say good bye to this community, it is so exciting to know that the next stage of life is right around the corner. I look forward so much to what God has in store. I'm sure He has an adventure planned! I know just enough for now. That's all and that's ok. There are things I am unsure of, many many things, but wow, God has proven His faithfulness, I think I can trust Him with these uncertainties too.
I just want these last few days with friends and Moody to be full of joy and happy memories. I don't want the sad, sappy good-byes. I want to move on to the next stage and welcome it because we can't live in the past. Let's embrace what is set before us! Let's rejoice in this day the Lord has given so graciously!
He is good. I want to know Him. I want to serve Him. I'm overwhelmed by His love. He is faithful. He is my provider. He is my all. He is the one I'm crazy about. He is everything I need. He is sufficient. He is powerful. He is a comfort.
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