Sunny Wind

I definitely had a melt down the other night. Pretty sure it all just crashed in when I realized that I would be working over 50 hours this week with 6 kids, all 3 and under. And none of them are my own kids. The three 3 year-olds are boys, and all of them are stubborn. Thankfully one of the little ones is a girl, nice to have pink and play gentle, and cuddle.

In the cab as I came home tonight I reflected on my week and the things that I am thankful for despite doing something I do not necessarily enjoy at all. One of these being that I have an opportunity to observe three families all at very similar life stages of raising children and I get to observe very closely how they live and deal with real issues. That is a true gift! I doubt my parents had such insight into raising children. Sometimes I think that I could begin writing a book about 'babysitting' or parenting, but then I realize, I'm missing out on the most important part, actually having my own children to raise! ha!

Anyhow, I'm so thankful for these three families, trusting me to watch their precious children. That is huge. I can't imagine how stressful and agonizing it is to walk away from those dear ones and trust that someone will just take care of them while one is out. Wow.

I'm thankful for incorporating Godly values and lessons into daily life and interactions with others. This is mostly what keeps me sane.

I am thankful for roommates who listen to me babble when I get home from work because I have not talked to anyone over the age of 3 for over 15 minutes in um... well, I don't know how long? The night before when I told my roommates goodnight?? yeah... this is probably one of the hardest things about doing what I do. I need face time with people and have conversations and process things verbally, and be understood, and well, that just doesn't happen with a 3 year old!

I am thankful for the weekends. I am thankful for the thrift store to go searching with my dear friend and find things that should cost a lot more than what we paid for. I love being treated to starbucks by said friend and chatting in the cool autumn breeze and simply relaxing! And then to be told as he leaves that he bragged to his friends he got to hang out with a college graduate... haha I think that made my day!

I'm thankful for an apartment and again, wonderful wonderful roommates who took me to Ikea for my first time today and then waited for me to get my hot dogs and then dropped me off at my next job. Then they so kindly took all my findings to my room for me. Oh they are a blessing in my life. I love to laugh with them and I am so encouraged by their lives.

Anyhow, all that to say I did not intend to give a recap of my day for this post, but I guess now it is what it is.

However, I did want to say, for me it is so easy to look at my 'bad' days as just rainy days, where the sun never comes out to shine. Well, tonight I am trying to re-think that and put my life into perspective a little more: I have not been given these opportunities with these 6 kids and 50+ hours of work for no reason, it isn't just rain. Rather, I'd like to think of it like a day where the wind blows, and gosh, it isn't fun, no, it is rather a pain, but even on those windy days the sun can and does still shine.

What's up with the blues?

Who do I cry to when there is no one?

I want so badly to talk to a person who would truly understand me or just listen. But I am too afraid to because I feel like tonight if I sought out anyone to vent at I would suddenly find myself being so so so selfish and only talking about myself and not interested at all about the other person. What a terrible friend I am.

I want to talk about how crummy I feel and the doubts I have in my head and the things that just made me so down today.

Where is the safe person to talk to? Why do I feel like just talking to God isn't enough?

Oh Tumbleweed How Did You Get Here??!!??

So I was thinking today that my posts have been a little on the down and deep side... so here's for a more light and fun post...

Today during my commute I decided to find things I LOVE, what you read as follows are the things I remember from the chunk of time in my day spent traveling to and from work:

I decided today my favorite foods are potatoes, onions, and bacon. Can never have enough. And they all three are so versatile.

Green and yellow are by far the BEST color combination, but only if it is the John Deere shades. (this little reminder I give thanks to the man in front of me when I stepped off the Blue Line this morning on the way to the bus, his shirts were perfect shades of G&Y)

My favorite TV channel is Food Network. Amazing.

Playdough is one of my fondest memories as a child, and today we played with playdough... oh the joy! I made a little pizza slice.

Crunchy chicken and pasta with butter, cheese and garlic salt makes for a tasty lunch.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE clean laundry, and I even LOVE folding it.

It occurred to me today that I could probably dress up for Halloween and go trick or treating and everyone would think I'm a kid... maybe I'll try, just have to find a costume and some kids to go with...

I love being in a kitchen. Something about it just is soothing.

I am realizing the vast amounts of foods we ate as children were things Mom made from scratch, therefore, most of everything I know how to make is from scratch... apparently, that is not 'normal'...but oh wow, so so so much better. I don't think I'll change that, I love cooking & baking from scratch, even if it takes more time, it trumps all in the realm of flavor and love.

And last of all to make this post complete, the little thought that inspired the title of this writing tonight:

There I was, briskly walking through the rumbling wind as the sky darkened by the second. I was thinking to myself about how I left work at 5pm and I was about 5 minutes from my apartment and it was about 6:30pm... why does it take so LONG to get home sometimes??

I wandered over crunchy leaves, past the spooky houses decked out with spider webs, tomb stones, spiders, and pumpkins. Anxious to get home, I quickened my pace, only to look down and realize something was in the way. No, it wasn't another tarp like the one a few houses back, but rather, this large large tumbleweed had found his new home lodged on a fence and was overtaking the sidewalk. At first it didn't even hit me that this large tumbleweed was so out of place. Then as I stepped around it, I began to wonder where this tumbleweed was from. I cannot help but wonder if it comes from the Colorado plains. Maybe even from the back yard of the home I left almost 5 years ago. Oh well, here's to the tumbleweed who made my night and made me smile and now has a post on my blog. Just not something this small town country girl sees every day in this big city!

Prompting

The prompting of the Holy Spirit is such a curious thing to me. It fascinates me. Maybe it is something that can't really be understood or explained. All I know is that as of lately, I have experienced the prompting of the Spirit to pray for certain people, later to find out good reason why there could have been such prompting of the Spirit.

In the last week two young families I know have lost precious little ones. My heart has been so heavy for these couples. I am overwhelmed by the thoughts of what they must be feeling and thinking and how hard this time must be for them. I don't know how anyone could endure such terrible losses without a Father to lean on. The life of these little ones truly is a testimony, even if their lives here on earth were not as long as the rest of us would have wanted, God's name is glorified through the reaction of their parents who have chosen to serve Him and glorify His name no matter the circumstance.

I am left a little concerned though. Concerned that maybe I don't listen or am not as aware as I should be to the prompting of the Spirit. I wonder how often He prompts me to do something and if I have just become so used to the uncomfortable requests, that I no longer hear Him when He is prompting me to do something.

My prayer tonight is that I would be more sensitive to the leading of the Spirit in every moment of my day, so that I can truly learn to obey Him and bring glory to the Father. Reveal to me the things that I block out and the areas I need work. Refine me and clean me up. Take the things I hold on to that You tell me to give up. Thank You for the lives of the little ones who have touched me in the past week. I know they sit with You now.

Searching

Today I was looking for something.

I left the apartment this morning with a set place to go. I went, it passed, and I found myself not wanting to go home or even go to the store by myself.

I just walked around and hung out with people who happened to just sit and talk or not really do what they had planned.

I felt lame. I felt lame because I knew that if I went home I would go nuts because I wanted to be with people, but there were no people at home. Then I felt more lame that the only place I could think of that has people, all of those people are busy and have homework. But I hung out for over 12 hours there today. I was searching for something.

I don't think I found it, but I was searching for something. I don't know if what I was searching for can be fulfilled by anyone but God Himself. I know that part of what I was searching for today was to be understood and just have company. I was surrounded by friends, yes, but I guess tonight I realized that I 'know' many people, but there are few who actually understand me.

I was searching today to be understood. I saw this over and over again as I look back and reflect on the conversations I had today. I just wanted to be heard and understood. Which is something that probably every person wants. I realized that the people who really get me and understand me are those that I value friendship with the most.

On the other hand however, I realize that my searching for understanding today was rather selfish because again, as I recall those encounters I had with so many people today, I just wanted my voice to be heard more than I wanted to sit and listen to the people talking to me. I would not slow down my thinking and stop my revolving world to listen and show that I care to the ones who needed to be heard and understood too. I'm so selfish.

Solo for Food

So if I think about it I could list all the things I ate in the last 24 hours... and it would be a short list. But the problem is more that I don't think about it. It is more like, "hmm... when WAS the last time I ate?" And then I realize how LITTLE I ate the last time it WAS.

As I have thought about this more, I know that stress is probably related to this weight loss and lack of food eating problem, but I know there is some self discipline needed as well as simply the fact that my life is different than when I was at student.

Anyhow, tonight I am a little concerned for the next two days. My roommates are gone. Not that I only eat when they are around, but I will be alone for a lot of time and honestly, what if I just forget to eat or just push it off because there is no one here to share a meal with? How pathetic. I love food so much, but I love it more and more and more when there are actually people to eat with. Of course, I'm glad my roommates get to go away for the weekend and I'm not writing this to say that I wish they would stay, however, I am saying here that food should be partaken of in the presence of others. It should be shared. Thankfully the Body of Christ will be dining in my apartment on Sunday night and I am so so so glad!

One thing I look forward to with this is that we will partake of the elements that remind us of what Christ has done for us and part of what we do with that is wash feet, fellowship, break bread, drink 'wine', and anticipate the coming day when we will be at the Marriage Supper of the Lamb. I look forward to that day when we will be in glory with the Father and that meal will be spread perfectly and there will be plenty of people to share it with! How wonderful.

Faces in Pumpkins

Crunchy leaves, crisp air, apples, caramel, cider, and PUMPKINS.

Last year at this time was my first ever in my life venture out to a pumpkin patch while I was visiting my sister in NY for my fall break. That was such a fun thing to do and I can't help but wish I could do it again. The only reason that I had never been to a big pumpkin patch before was because as kids we grew our own pumpkins in our garden then dad would have us fill the truck up and take them to church and give them out. But we always kept some too, for carving or even for mom's yummy stew she baked IN the pumpkin. I love love love the pumpkin seeds too.

I guess this is one of those self-pity posts. I want to go to a pumpkin patch. But it is not a place a person goes by themselves. It isn't even a good date in my opinion, it is what a family does. Then I want to carve pumpkins. Just one would do. And save the seeds and toast them and snack on them.

I really miss my family tonight. I really am fine with my independence most of the time, really probably all of the time. I don't know why it is a little rougher today. Maybe because I talked to grandma two times yesterday and realized that I haven't seen her or my older sister since Christmas. Or maybe it is realizing that in six short weeks it will be the first time in my entire life I will not be at my grandma's house for Thanksgiving with my family, which is by far the biggest family gathering and holiday in the Williamson household. Or maybe it is realizing today as I stood in the dentist office with two screaming boys that my mom is wonderful and I miss her terribly. And then the other possibility as to why I miss them so much tonight especially is because Tyler & Alan both said their parents are coming this weekend. Tyler's from Georgia and Alan's from Ohio... and then I remembered that my mom is going to visit my sister this weekend. And I get to see her (hopefully) as she changes flights in Chicago. I cannot help but hope that I get to see her for longer than 5 minutes, and that I actually make it to the airport before her flight arrives.

I think I will break down and cry a million tears and be the biggest baby if I don't get to see my mom on Thursday night. I just need to see her.