The last 6 months have been mass confusion for me. My mind has been in a whirl and constantly I am questioning everything. Literally everything. I have so many fears and I beat myself up for not stepping out in faith and just seeing what the Lord will do.
Sure I think I know what I want, but it doesn't seem to match with reality. Why can't just living for today and finding myself in Christ be enough for me? Why do I strive so much to be consumed by everything else around me and replace my relationship with the Lord with people I think so highly of and desire so much to be accepted by?
I have a dream and a vision, and that is saying something because I am more a realist-type... but even with this I have fears. I don't know where to even start with this dream, but it is something I would LOVE to do beyond anything else. I am scared. Where is my faith?
Is my faith held back by fear because of all the options in front of me? I just don't know what to choose. I know that the things I love are there for a reason, what I love is a gift from God and He wants me to do what I love to bring Him glory. So then what do I do? Do I move forward with this dream and see what happens? What about the ridicule that will come? What about the tough times? And then I'm reminded, see how He has made it all work together for good in the past? What makes me doubt that He will continue? Can't I trust Him?
The easy road would be for someone to just say "Rebecca! Do this! Go this way!" but of course, I'm called to obey and step out in faith. When will I push that fear aside and really step out of the boat onto the water with my eyes totally fixed on the One who is more trustworthy than any other? Help me to trust You, dear Lord!
Monday, November 29, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Differences
I've been back in the US for about 24hrs and over 12 of that has been by myself, in my quiet apartment. Which has been wonderful as far as processing/resting after traveling. Some of the thoughts that have run through my head since my last post concerning the differences between Brasil & the USA are as follows:
Before I left for Brasil, I had never spent a whole night in a hammock, upon returning, I slept only one night the whole trip in a real bed, and all the rest in a hammock, and LOVED it.
It is typical to shower 3 or more times a day in Brasil. Here I'm doing good if I shower once a day.
Last night I was going to the bathroom, and after throwing the used tissue in the trash, I remembered I was back in the US.
I can fill my glass here with water from the tap...not so in Brasil.
It is cold here. I am dreading going outside and it is 40 degrees here today! Think it's really time to pull out the mittens and scarves!
I have so much stuff. And I really don't need it all.
I worry much more about what I'm going to wear here. The whole time in Brasil I only wore 2 pairs of pants and re-wore shirts, no one really cares what one wears, sure there are social guidelines and things that are more respectable than others, but the actual articles of clothing do not matter as much as here in the states. I'm sure people there get consumed with fashion just as much as I do or others do here, but for me it was not as consuming, and maybe that's because I'm American? and respected their fashion lines.
I loved the simplicity of life. Maybe that had to do with being in the agricultural region of Brasil. There was no rushing about and for me, really no worrying. The Brasilians are so quiet and easy going. They love to laugh and have fun and truly care about others. Here there is a time line for everything, and when something falls out of that time line, people feel like the world as they know it is ending right that moment!
Differences are good, one is not better than the other, but there are some things in each of these cultures that I prefer over the other. Like the hot shower I just enjoyed, that was wonderful. But I would rather have fresh bread, butter, bacon, eggs, cheese and coffee for breakfast (like in Brasil) rather than the majorly processed choices I have here.
Before I left for Brasil, I had never spent a whole night in a hammock, upon returning, I slept only one night the whole trip in a real bed, and all the rest in a hammock, and LOVED it.
It is typical to shower 3 or more times a day in Brasil. Here I'm doing good if I shower once a day.
Last night I was going to the bathroom, and after throwing the used tissue in the trash, I remembered I was back in the US.
I can fill my glass here with water from the tap...not so in Brasil.
It is cold here. I am dreading going outside and it is 40 degrees here today! Think it's really time to pull out the mittens and scarves!
I have so much stuff. And I really don't need it all.
I worry much more about what I'm going to wear here. The whole time in Brasil I only wore 2 pairs of pants and re-wore shirts, no one really cares what one wears, sure there are social guidelines and things that are more respectable than others, but the actual articles of clothing do not matter as much as here in the states. I'm sure people there get consumed with fashion just as much as I do or others do here, but for me it was not as consuming, and maybe that's because I'm American? and respected their fashion lines.
I loved the simplicity of life. Maybe that had to do with being in the agricultural region of Brasil. There was no rushing about and for me, really no worrying. The Brasilians are so quiet and easy going. They love to laugh and have fun and truly care about others. Here there is a time line for everything, and when something falls out of that time line, people feel like the world as they know it is ending right that moment!
Differences are good, one is not better than the other, but there are some things in each of these cultures that I prefer over the other. Like the hot shower I just enjoyed, that was wonderful. But I would rather have fresh bread, butter, bacon, eggs, cheese and coffee for breakfast (like in Brasil) rather than the majorly processed choices I have here.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Recap
Brasil was amazing. I know I have to sit here and write about it, but I don't even know what to say.
I went with little to no expectations or to-do lists, I just went knowing that for 10 days I would not have to worry about anything from food, sleep, safety, etc, I knew the Goossens would take care of me. And they did. Way more than that too.
I was determined to go and be a servant and not a sponge. I was there to serve them and help with whatever was needed, just as if they were my family too. I did not want to be a bother or the 'typical' American who needs to have their hand held through everything or be picked up after for everything. But also, I wanted to be sensitive to the reality that Nate's family was together for the first time in a long time and their parents probably relish that time with their boys and their wives. So, I tried to be as helpful as I could and just go with the flow.
I must say though, I did not expect what happened in that 10 day period of time. The Lord was working on me too. He knew that the people around me in this time had just the right things to say to draw me to Him and to remind me of Himself and His love. Over and over again I heard the Lord telling me to Trust Him. Trust was a theme throughout each of the 10 days. Trust in the Goossens to take care of me even when I didn't know details of the day ahead; and also trust in the Lord that He will take care of my future even though from my view now it is pretty cloudy.
Conversations with Aunt Esther, Brittany, Aunt Molly, Aunt Linda, Julie, Uncle Todd, Stefanie, Aunt Mary, Caleb, Nathaniel & Jordana were incredibly helpful in bringing about confirmation from the Lord about missions in my future. Hearing Uncle James share about what the Lord is doing there was so exciting to me. I just love that kind of talk. And then to sit around yesterday and strategize with missionaries about taking a team of Brazilians & Americans to a country where the Gospel is desperately needed.
Forgiveness was another thing the Lord laid on me during the course of the 10 days I was there. Forgiveness brings freedom, I am still learning to forgive some people who have hurt me deeply. I want that freedom. That freedom from forgiveness will probably help me trust others better and the Lord too!
One thing that really stuck out to me from the first day upon arriving in Brasil was the ministry and impact of the Goossen family. God is using them. There are other missionaries down there too, and they are wonderful too, but these Goossens, wow. I am so impressed that three brothers and their wives can work for YEARS together with their wives and children and actually get along and be able to work with other missionaries too... and be so successful. It just proves that God is not only doing something through them, but that God is a part of their daily, personal lives. I know this family is not perfect, and living with them for 10 days is surely not long enough to really know them, but from what I know of their sons and doing life with them at Moody, and then seeing the parents in action for a few days, it is clear that these guys were raised to start their days with the Lord and to live life all about Him. What a heritage! Grandparents who served for 40 some years in Brasil, they have 4 sons, all who are missionaries! And then 12 grandchildren, most of whom are either in missions or are working towards missions. That is just not a norm. That is because of the Lord and Him working. I don't know many missionary kids who return to the field like that, what a testimony to our God without borders. Not only is this family all about missions, they are not bound to Brasil, they realize that the need for the Gospel is all over the world and they desire to see people in the evangelized parts of the world (Brasil included) mobilized and go out spreading the Gospel to the least reached parts of the globe.
I could go on about this family and how God has used them in my life, but this post is so long already. What a joy to know people who love the Lord so passionately and who have a strong heritage of serving the Lord. I cannot help but want to be a part of it too. Confession: several times I have wished in the last 10 days that there was another Goossen boy available to marry. I want a Godly man like them!
A good trip... I'm sure more will come up to blog about as the thoughts process and I see more cultural differences.
This was the first time in my life I had mosquito bites and sun tan on Thanksgiving though!! :)
I went with little to no expectations or to-do lists, I just went knowing that for 10 days I would not have to worry about anything from food, sleep, safety, etc, I knew the Goossens would take care of me. And they did. Way more than that too.
I was determined to go and be a servant and not a sponge. I was there to serve them and help with whatever was needed, just as if they were my family too. I did not want to be a bother or the 'typical' American who needs to have their hand held through everything or be picked up after for everything. But also, I wanted to be sensitive to the reality that Nate's family was together for the first time in a long time and their parents probably relish that time with their boys and their wives. So, I tried to be as helpful as I could and just go with the flow.
I must say though, I did not expect what happened in that 10 day period of time. The Lord was working on me too. He knew that the people around me in this time had just the right things to say to draw me to Him and to remind me of Himself and His love. Over and over again I heard the Lord telling me to Trust Him. Trust was a theme throughout each of the 10 days. Trust in the Goossens to take care of me even when I didn't know details of the day ahead; and also trust in the Lord that He will take care of my future even though from my view now it is pretty cloudy.
Conversations with Aunt Esther, Brittany, Aunt Molly, Aunt Linda, Julie, Uncle Todd, Stefanie, Aunt Mary, Caleb, Nathaniel & Jordana were incredibly helpful in bringing about confirmation from the Lord about missions in my future. Hearing Uncle James share about what the Lord is doing there was so exciting to me. I just love that kind of talk. And then to sit around yesterday and strategize with missionaries about taking a team of Brazilians & Americans to a country where the Gospel is desperately needed.
Forgiveness was another thing the Lord laid on me during the course of the 10 days I was there. Forgiveness brings freedom, I am still learning to forgive some people who have hurt me deeply. I want that freedom. That freedom from forgiveness will probably help me trust others better and the Lord too!
One thing that really stuck out to me from the first day upon arriving in Brasil was the ministry and impact of the Goossen family. God is using them. There are other missionaries down there too, and they are wonderful too, but these Goossens, wow. I am so impressed that three brothers and their wives can work for YEARS together with their wives and children and actually get along and be able to work with other missionaries too... and be so successful. It just proves that God is not only doing something through them, but that God is a part of their daily, personal lives. I know this family is not perfect, and living with them for 10 days is surely not long enough to really know them, but from what I know of their sons and doing life with them at Moody, and then seeing the parents in action for a few days, it is clear that these guys were raised to start their days with the Lord and to live life all about Him. What a heritage! Grandparents who served for 40 some years in Brasil, they have 4 sons, all who are missionaries! And then 12 grandchildren, most of whom are either in missions or are working towards missions. That is just not a norm. That is because of the Lord and Him working. I don't know many missionary kids who return to the field like that, what a testimony to our God without borders. Not only is this family all about missions, they are not bound to Brasil, they realize that the need for the Gospel is all over the world and they desire to see people in the evangelized parts of the world (Brasil included) mobilized and go out spreading the Gospel to the least reached parts of the globe.
I could go on about this family and how God has used them in my life, but this post is so long already. What a joy to know people who love the Lord so passionately and who have a strong heritage of serving the Lord. I cannot help but want to be a part of it too. Confession: several times I have wished in the last 10 days that there was another Goossen boy available to marry. I want a Godly man like them!
A good trip... I'm sure more will come up to blog about as the thoughts process and I see more cultural differences.
This was the first time in my life I had mosquito bites and sun tan on Thanksgiving though!! :)
Sunday, November 14, 2010
My Best Friend's Wedding
In less than a week my best guy friend will be married. It is hard to believe the reality of this statement. I will be there, watch his beautiful bride walk down the aisle to him, exchange vows of commitment to each other before guests and before the Father God. It will most likely be all in Portuguese, but that doesn't matter, I'm just so glad I get to be there. What a celebration! Again, hard to believe this day is down to single digits and less than a week away. I remember back when he first told me they started dating, I was beyond happy.
He is one of those people in my life who will always, no matter the circumstance or miles and countries that separate us, we will always and forever be friends. There is nothing, nothing at all that will or could change that. I am so so so thankful for such a good friend, someone who has stretched, challenged, encouraged and fought with me. He has seen me at my worst and at my best. He is one of the few people who can laugh at my silliness, and one of the few guys I feel totally and completely comfortable around. And he is one of the few people outside my family I can get totally annoyed with and still love them so so so much.
I'm so excited to finally meet in person, face-to-face, this wonderful woman who gets to share life with Nate starting next Saturday!! What a joy! However, I am not jealous, I'm rather relieved and again, so so so thankful God has put her in his life and drawn them to commit to living and loving each other for the rest of their lives. What a wonderful thing.
And how exciting it will be to see the land where my dear friend's heart lies. The place where he grew up and the place he belongs. I am so excited to see the ministry his family is a part of and the history of his family that has carried on through 3 generations. This is exciting. I am so blessed to have these people in my life and even more to have such a good friend, who has shown me the love of Jesus in the way he interacts and just lives his life.
Brasil...here I come!
He is one of those people in my life who will always, no matter the circumstance or miles and countries that separate us, we will always and forever be friends. There is nothing, nothing at all that will or could change that. I am so so so thankful for such a good friend, someone who has stretched, challenged, encouraged and fought with me. He has seen me at my worst and at my best. He is one of the few people who can laugh at my silliness, and one of the few guys I feel totally and completely comfortable around. And he is one of the few people outside my family I can get totally annoyed with and still love them so so so much.
I'm so excited to finally meet in person, face-to-face, this wonderful woman who gets to share life with Nate starting next Saturday!! What a joy! However, I am not jealous, I'm rather relieved and again, so so so thankful God has put her in his life and drawn them to commit to living and loving each other for the rest of their lives. What a wonderful thing.
And how exciting it will be to see the land where my dear friend's heart lies. The place where he grew up and the place he belongs. I am so excited to see the ministry his family is a part of and the history of his family that has carried on through 3 generations. This is exciting. I am so blessed to have these people in my life and even more to have such a good friend, who has shown me the love of Jesus in the way he interacts and just lives his life.
Brasil...here I come!
Saturday, November 13, 2010
hard work
Today started at an early 6:35... when I realized my alarm had been going off for 5 minutes.
Britt & I scrambled to the car in our paint clothes by 7am. We got bagels and coffee then picked up Jon by 7:30 and was at Sunshine by 8.
From moving all of Britt's kitchen cabinets from one apartment to another, stacking her flooring, and painting the ceiling and walls. Four of us who really, did not know what we're doing found ourselves with extended paint rollers covering the ceiling with new fresh paint. Soon our necks hurt and arms were sore. Then came the hues of brown bread and apple cider, oh those walls are festive!
My thoughts through the day were how blessed I am to have Brittney in my life and the things God has taught me through her. I am so encouraged by Jon and his passion for Christ and love for theology. And Momma Rost was such a joy to work with and is always such a warm person to be around. I thanked God while I spent a few hours in Britt's new room coating apple cider paint on her walls.
My thoughts also wandered to my past, my family history, how I grew up with hard work as a natural part of daily life. It was normal to wake up at 5 or 6am daily and feed the cattle, pigs, and sheep, then come inside make breakfast for the family, do my indoor chores and then on to my school work. The weekends and summers consisted of hours outdoors doing whatever dad said. We worked hard, and sometimes there were those days where just dad and I would get to go to lunch, that was a treat. Or go to a farm sale, and not really have to 'work' on a Saturday!
I'm thankful for those memories and for my dad who instilled in me the importance of knowing how to work hard and work well. At the end of this day I feel like I have accomplished so much, maybe from the way my body feels so exhausted and virtually every muscle above my waist hurts, but there is just something about hard work that for me is fulfilling. Maybe I am talking about physical hard work, my job right now is hard work, but more mentally, not really physically. I look forward to my new job, where soon, I will have the opportunity to be incredibly physically active at work, putting those muscles to good work and having to grunt to help move stuff around.
This week I have had the strong desire to pick up weight lifting... may sound strange, but for some reason it fascinates me. I took a class on it for my fitness elective at Moody, but I don't remember a thing. Maybe I'll have time to go to the gym and can find someone to help me when I start my new job.
Britt & I scrambled to the car in our paint clothes by 7am. We got bagels and coffee then picked up Jon by 7:30 and was at Sunshine by 8.
From moving all of Britt's kitchen cabinets from one apartment to another, stacking her flooring, and painting the ceiling and walls. Four of us who really, did not know what we're doing found ourselves with extended paint rollers covering the ceiling with new fresh paint. Soon our necks hurt and arms were sore. Then came the hues of brown bread and apple cider, oh those walls are festive!
My thoughts through the day were how blessed I am to have Brittney in my life and the things God has taught me through her. I am so encouraged by Jon and his passion for Christ and love for theology. And Momma Rost was such a joy to work with and is always such a warm person to be around. I thanked God while I spent a few hours in Britt's new room coating apple cider paint on her walls.
My thoughts also wandered to my past, my family history, how I grew up with hard work as a natural part of daily life. It was normal to wake up at 5 or 6am daily and feed the cattle, pigs, and sheep, then come inside make breakfast for the family, do my indoor chores and then on to my school work. The weekends and summers consisted of hours outdoors doing whatever dad said. We worked hard, and sometimes there were those days where just dad and I would get to go to lunch, that was a treat. Or go to a farm sale, and not really have to 'work' on a Saturday!
I'm thankful for those memories and for my dad who instilled in me the importance of knowing how to work hard and work well. At the end of this day I feel like I have accomplished so much, maybe from the way my body feels so exhausted and virtually every muscle above my waist hurts, but there is just something about hard work that for me is fulfilling. Maybe I am talking about physical hard work, my job right now is hard work, but more mentally, not really physically. I look forward to my new job, where soon, I will have the opportunity to be incredibly physically active at work, putting those muscles to good work and having to grunt to help move stuff around.
This week I have had the strong desire to pick up weight lifting... may sound strange, but for some reason it fascinates me. I took a class on it for my fitness elective at Moody, but I don't remember a thing. Maybe I'll have time to go to the gym and can find someone to help me when I start my new job.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
mystery
guys are a mystery to me
i don't understand them
i am totally confused by one of them right now
he is a mystery, and i wonder if that is why he is so interesting?
am i totally infatuated?? i hope not. oh goodness, i hope not.
i just don't understand him, and i want to understand him.
he is so strange, different, and yet amazing, kind, caring, creative, intelligent, understanding, and weird
wonder who i am in his world? just another girl? does he know how much i appreciate him? does he think about me through out the day like i think about him?
think i might be trying too hard
just need to be me, alas, all he shows me is himself
the truth i cling to about him is: he is a good friend, i value his input in my life, and i truly enjoy being around him.
my prayers yesterday & today have been that God would control my mind and take those thoughts that run away and get wrapped around this guy and trying to figure him out.
this has been going on for over a month i realized today when i looked through my journal...why can i not get over him? what is the reason for this?
i don't understand 'crushes' but it seems they've always been a part of my life. will that end? i would like it to.
i don't understand them
i am totally confused by one of them right now
he is a mystery, and i wonder if that is why he is so interesting?
am i totally infatuated?? i hope not. oh goodness, i hope not.
i just don't understand him, and i want to understand him.
he is so strange, different, and yet amazing, kind, caring, creative, intelligent, understanding, and weird
wonder who i am in his world? just another girl? does he know how much i appreciate him? does he think about me through out the day like i think about him?
think i might be trying too hard
just need to be me, alas, all he shows me is himself
the truth i cling to about him is: he is a good friend, i value his input in my life, and i truly enjoy being around him.
my prayers yesterday & today have been that God would control my mind and take those thoughts that run away and get wrapped around this guy and trying to figure him out.
this has been going on for over a month i realized today when i looked through my journal...why can i not get over him? what is the reason for this?
i don't understand 'crushes' but it seems they've always been a part of my life. will that end? i would like it to.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Faithful in the Small Things
"faithful in the small things" that is what I left church with Sunday night. Encouraged and challenged to do that. That is and has been my goal. But I have been really questioning "what is the small stuff?"... Today I saw some of the small stuff, and yep, when tested, I did not pass... I was not faithful.
I was reminded today how much I still have to deal with sin in my life.
I want so badly to be accepted, appreciated, cared for, and to have attention of a guy, and today, one in particular. So selfish. Turned into anger a few times when I didn't get what I wanted. Oh how ashamed I am for wanting that and doing that to a friend. Why do I act so silly and get affected by every little thing? Why do I feel like I have to impress someone to be noticed? When will I realize that me, myself, the person I am is good enough, I don't have to try to impress anyone?
Oh I was not faithful in this area. Maybe just so I could realize that I still have things in my life I desperately need Christ to clean up & change me to be more like Him.
I was reminded today how much I still have to deal with sin in my life.
I want so badly to be accepted, appreciated, cared for, and to have attention of a guy, and today, one in particular. So selfish. Turned into anger a few times when I didn't get what I wanted. Oh how ashamed I am for wanting that and doing that to a friend. Why do I act so silly and get affected by every little thing? Why do I feel like I have to impress someone to be noticed? When will I realize that me, myself, the person I am is good enough, I don't have to try to impress anyone?
Oh I was not faithful in this area. Maybe just so I could realize that I still have things in my life I desperately need Christ to clean up & change me to be more like Him.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
enjoy and accept
In search of a specific verse this week, I stumbled (or rather, Spirit Lead)upon Ecclesiastes, as I read over several passages, there were some verses that really have stuck with me and have really encouraged me in the past and again, the Power of the Word of God and the wisdom of Solomon has penetrated my life. And I am thankful! Please read and apply, I'm challenged to do so too!
"There is nothing better for a man than to eat and drink and tell himself that his labor is good. This also I have seen that it is from the hand of God. For who can eat and who can have enjoyment without Him? For to a person who is good in His sight He has given wisdom and knowledge and joy, while to the sinner He has given the task of gathering and collecting so that he may give to one who is good in God's sight. This too is vanity and striving after wind." 2:24-26
"I have seen that nothing is better than that man should be happy in his activities, for that is his lot. For who will bring him to see what will occur after him?" 3:22
Conclusion: I need to enjoy what is placed before me and accept the things that are not MY ideal.
"There is nothing better for a man than to eat and drink and tell himself that his labor is good. This also I have seen that it is from the hand of God. For who can eat and who can have enjoyment without Him? For to a person who is good in His sight He has given wisdom and knowledge and joy, while to the sinner He has given the task of gathering and collecting so that he may give to one who is good in God's sight. This too is vanity and striving after wind." 2:24-26
"I have seen that nothing is better than that man should be happy in his activities, for that is his lot. For who will bring him to see what will occur after him?" 3:22
Conclusion: I need to enjoy what is placed before me and accept the things that are not MY ideal.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
worth & meaning
I know that when the road is rough, and when life only seems to give us lemons we're suppose to look on the bright side and be optimistic and all that.
I've been trying all day. Really, most of the day went extremely well when compared to some of the others in the recent past. But then I got a text canceling one of the things I was looking forward to most in my day. Oh well, I guess we can't have everything we want right?
Then after I made myself a delightful dinner and managed to set off the fire alarm second night in a row and freeze out the apartment, I found out that the one other thing I was looking forward to this day would not happen because of the elections.
Yep, so these things we want just don't really always happen or come about in the way we originally think or plan.
As I walked home tonight I began down that dark path of thinking again. I hate it, I know it's wrong, but I cannot seem to find any worth and meaning in what I do and who I am. I know those are lies, but it is hard when I finish a day like today and see absolutely no point to anything that I did. Nothing. I don't know how God is glorified in me doing nothing and how meaningless the work I did was. I guess the right answer is that I should be doing this meaningless work with a good attitude and a grateful heart. I don't know where to find that.
I guess I've lost myself in self pity yet again and I feel so lost and abandoned. I know it is a lie that I think I'll have worth and meaning if I'm a wife, and oh goodness how at the same time that life can't be easy either. Why can't I be content with what I have and what has been given to me?
I've been trying all day. Really, most of the day went extremely well when compared to some of the others in the recent past. But then I got a text canceling one of the things I was looking forward to most in my day. Oh well, I guess we can't have everything we want right?
Then after I made myself a delightful dinner and managed to set off the fire alarm second night in a row and freeze out the apartment, I found out that the one other thing I was looking forward to this day would not happen because of the elections.
Yep, so these things we want just don't really always happen or come about in the way we originally think or plan.
As I walked home tonight I began down that dark path of thinking again. I hate it, I know it's wrong, but I cannot seem to find any worth and meaning in what I do and who I am. I know those are lies, but it is hard when I finish a day like today and see absolutely no point to anything that I did. Nothing. I don't know how God is glorified in me doing nothing and how meaningless the work I did was. I guess the right answer is that I should be doing this meaningless work with a good attitude and a grateful heart. I don't know where to find that.
I guess I've lost myself in self pity yet again and I feel so lost and abandoned. I know it is a lie that I think I'll have worth and meaning if I'm a wife, and oh goodness how at the same time that life can't be easy either. Why can't I be content with what I have and what has been given to me?
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