Focus

I walk around each day pretty much clueless and taking for granted the wonderful gift I have. I have the wonderful opportunity right now to know God more and to learn to follow hard after Him. However, myself gets in the way. I am so centered around me.

I realized this these past few days as I shared my boo-whoos and complaints with good friends. Two of these friends said things that really helped put things in perspective. One told me that my current struggles are not my fault, that I should not put this trial on myself, it is those who have done wrong, the blame is on them. I must not blame myself. My other friend simply asked me if I'd been spending time in the Word and with the Lord in prayer. I had to be honest, this week was a little bleak in that area. This friend also told me to stop living like I deserve God to do something for me. So true and so challenging.

As I walked home this afternoon it hit me again that right now, God has blessed me with this gift of singleness, and it truly is a gift. For those who are not bound to another human, it is a gift to live in strong pursuit of our Creator. I have not been doing that. It is so ingrained in me to 'blend' and show that everything is ok, and that I know all the right answers, but in reality, I'm struggling. I don't deserve His love, I don't deserve His grace. I must accept it though. I must have faith that He is bigger than my fears and all my anxious longings.

Oh to find my delight in Him alone. That is my desire. My hope is that I will not be so lost in the busyness of life and meeting up with people that I push out and ignore the passionate pursuit of my Savior.

I want to learn more about what it means to sacrifice the things we love and how joy ties into that.

Communication

Mom was right. Just before I left for college, mom told me about how she learned so much about herself when she moved out of her parent's home and lived on her own. She was telling me this to encourage me that life at college was going to be more than what the classroom had to offer. She was telling me that I would be constantly learning.

Oh how right she was! I haven't stopped learning from the day my parents dropped me off in Houghton 216 and hurried to catch their flight back to Colorado that snowy January in 2007. In fact, there were many days I thought back to my mom's words all through my time at Moody. I began learning as my independence was gaining. I am so thankful for those words of truth.

One of those things I am constantly learning about is communication. I am fascinated by communication. I don't understand it and I don't even know how I communicate. I want to be better though.

One of the things I've learned about myself relating to communication is that I tend to be pretty easy-going--if I've been communicated to. I get upset when people do not communicate to me what they want or expect. I get frustrated with myself when I cannot articulate what's going on in my head to those who it really matters. I get a little frazzled when I cannot seem to make my directions clear to others.

I'm still learning this communication thing, and wow, I'm learning that it is a vital part of life.

This new job would be terrible if people did not communicate. I am thankful for the people I get to work with who initially react with grace when the plan gets skewed. I am thankful for the opportunities to admit I'm wrong, and learn from the mistakes. I am thankful for the wisdom of those above me.

I have so much to learn, and I'm sure my mom would agree that this is all just part of what she was talking about.

Average Girl

I guess I'm not your average girl.

I discovered this tonight after I sat at a table with mostly guys and found our conversation developing on the topic of castration, and then animal castration.

I educated those boys on how its done on the farm. Most of them didn't know. Haha. I didn't really think much about the whole scenario until someone came back to the table and realized we were still talking about such things, and was a little disgusted. To his disgust, my friend Justin informed him that "Rebecca started it all." Haha. Not really sure how I manage to 'start' such topics... that's a little weird.

I honestly think Justin started it, but whatever, it was funny.

All that to say, I'm not the average girl who is grossed out by meat, where it comes from and how it was meant to be on this earth as an animal in order to be one day enjoyed on the plate of humans. That was God's purpose for those beasts.

I'm ok with this difference from most girls. I rather like it actually. And really, I'm not that weird, it is just that not many people are like me here in this city, back where I come from that is who people are raised. That's part of the culture. Just like here in Chicago part of the culture is to wear boots that cost too much and wear out in one season because of all the salt on the sidewalks when it snows.

Step back and enjoy the cultural differences. :)

Life as One

I guess it comes with this 'age' or 'stage' in life, I have found that the majority of my friends are married now.

Which is wonderful. Because most of them I know and have known both since before they were married, and it has been fun to see them come together because of God.

Tonight I spent time with some of these special married friends, and they were/are just so encouraging to me.

One of my friends spoke some solid truth and admonishment to me. I needed to hear his guy perspective. Soooo helpful.

I am encouraged by these people who confess to me that they too have fears, that they too never thought or even still think they were ever 'ready' to be married. Most of all, I'm encouraged to know from these friends that in no way has their spouse 'completed' the other, or 'filled' an area inside of them, as individuals their only real need is still Christ and each of them will eventually fail the other.

Some of my other friends I spent time with today are single guys. Godly men. Guys who are genuine, loving, funny, people love them, and are so fine with being single. I appreciate their friendships too. What great people.

Oh the things that I've pondered today because of these great friends.

Doubt and Defeat +Christ=Victory

The thing I find myself wanting so so badly most of the time I am the most scared of. It seriously is one of my greatest fears.

Today I had a meltdown. Major meltdown. The last few days I've been fighting to believe that God is able to take care of my fears and believe that He is able to do what I hope for and heal me too.

All the content thoughts, feelings, and just being I have been experiencing the last few weeks, have been replaced the last few days with the devil creeping in and whispering to me that I'm not good enough, that no one will like me, that I'm a failure, that I annoy people, that I'm no good at anything. He is so WRONG!

But I have been believing him. And I know I am WRONG.

My prayer has been that I believe He is able, but for Him to help my unbelief like in Mark 9:24. Or unlike doubting Thomas, I need to have faith and believe in who Jesus is, the person of Christ and who I am to Him even without seeing Him in physical form before me.

Then I read Psalm 18 tonight. That is a powerful & passionate Psalm. Talks about when God delivered David from all his enemies and from Saul's hand. God tears apart heaven and earth for those whom He loves. HE LOVES ME. HE will defeat my enemies! The ones on this earth that I have grown to hate, and the evil one who tries to convince me of everything I am not.

Can I now live in victory that God has this under control and the enemies in my life are defeated? Can I believe that He is able? Can I forgive myself?

The Places You Take me

Oh how I long to be a woman of greater faith.

I desire to strive so hard after God.

To live a life displaying to all I meet the testimony of the greatness of our God and the marvelous work HE alone has done in me. I am completely nothing without Him.

I want to be a woman that prays constantly. I want each moment to be filled with something being put before my King on the throne.

I want to have the words to share with those who hurt and are so confused. I want to encourage the weary and be a ray of light to the downcast.

I want to fight for those who are overlooked. I want to get rid of the favoritism in my own life.

I want to love before I look on the outside. I want to love and show grace before I decide how I should treat others.

I want to give up the pre-conceived judgments and the foolish thoughts that flood my idle mind.

I want to dwell on the richness and goodness of Christ my Savior and all the things He has done and freed me from. I want to know Him more.

Lord, make me want You, I know You want me, how can I want You just as much?

Life Means So Much

This past week has been sprinkled with death.

Two men I knew only fairly well, and another lady on the verge, not sure even at this point if she is still around or not.

I have been all sniffles since Thursday evening due to an allergic reaction to lotion on my face. But I feel like I have been crying non-stop since I heard of the brutal death of my friend who was beaten to death and stripped and left out in the bitter cold until someone found him.

I wasn't able to actually shed tears until tonight. Fellowship with the people who knew Uncle Ben too, only around those people have I been able to actually begin the grieving. The real tears have come.

The song "Life Means So Much" by Chris Rice has been running through my mind all week, even before the deaths hit on Thursday.

--Every day is a gift you've been given
--Make the most of the time every minute you're living

If you're reading this, please, I challenge you to make the most of the time and life you've been given. Stop striving so hard for what you don't have and what you want so bad. Enjoy what is right in front of you. We are not guaranteed tomorrow.

I rejoice that for one of these people who passed this week, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, he is in Glory with his Savior and there is now way he would trade that to come back to this cruel world and be with us another second!

If you don't know Christ, please find Him. Follow Him. He is victorious over death and He makes life worth living. Every second.

High-rise

When I was a little girl on the farm, in that drafty, old farmhouse that dad remolded, I did not think I would ever move to that double wide! And how exciting it was to move to that new house that we got to pick out ourselves and arrived at the empty lot on two trailers.

Looking out the bedroom window of the wobbly, wind-beaten double wide I gazed at the buffalo grass and prairie dog holes, and never imagined I would be where I am today.

I could very soon be living in a high-rise in down town Chicago, minutes from the lake, as well as the loop. Walking to work will be my commute in just 11 minutes or so. For the first time in my life I could be living on the sixth floor of a building and have my name on a lease.

So I wonder, as I sit here tonight listening to the hum of the automobiles outside the window of the current apartment; where will I be next after this likely high-rise that I will look back on and remember how I never imagined living there?

H & L

This past summer I was able to meet and spend some quality time with a wonderful Godly, family of four. Like any family they have traditions, this particular one has a special 'tradition' at the dinner table each day to say what each person's high and low was for the day. For example: High- Mom making my favorite meal Low- The baby getting messy on me.

So I had this thought last night as I was in bed, trying so hard to sleep.

What if I write down at the end of each day for the year 2011 my High & Low for each day and thank God for them? I'm sure it will be fun to look back through and laugh or smile, and remember the precious moments God so graciously gives us, breath after breath, moment after moment, day after day.