Gentlemen

After work I made the long hour and a half trek to Moody to meet up with an Avant friend for dinner.

I was waiting for my second bus, finally it came, I scooted my way to a comfortable spot between other standing people, and did my normal 'scan' over the bus, just to familiarize myself with those also on the bus and so that my radar is aware of any sketchy such individuals who I need to avoid. (ok, I never actually think all of that through, it is more just a natural thing as I step onto the bus or el).

My eyes caught on a familiar face. I gasped "Jon!!". We exchanged hellos, and he being the gentleman he always is, offered me his seat. As we caught up and the bus got close to Moody, Jon said "I'll just walk you to Moody." So sweet. He then crossed the street with me and opened the door for me. I was so happy to run into him today!

Then had dinner with Josh, who I am so thankful for and the big brother input and advice he gave tonight, much needed! I appreciate him and Meghan so much in my life, especially in the last two months. You guys have been such an encouragement and help to me, probably more than you know. Thank you!

As I was then leaving Moody, I saw Adam. Oh dear Adam. He greeted me with a big hug and wanted to know what I'm up to now. I told him about my run-in with Jon on the bus, to which he decided that the three of us need to hang out just like 'old times' before Jon leaves. To which of course I would be delighted to reunite with two of the boys from the back row of Hebrews class last fall. I guess I just missed Sam today, oh well, he's getting married soon, that's good. These three guys are some of the top gentlemen around, seriously. I am honored that they would allow me to sit with them for an entire semester. I am sure it is not because of them I flunked that class, I'm sure it was more the fact of my lack of discipline. I probably learned more from them in that class than from any of the textbook I did read.

Thank You Lord for these gentlemen who have really just encouraged me today. You have given me such wonderful friends. Help me to be a good friend in return, please!

The Little Things

Today was one of those days. one of those GOOD days.

Because my God is so good, I was able to relish in the beauty around me and find rest and refreshment in Him today.

I woke up and one of my roommates made me coffee. My other roommate brought me a muffin yesterday, so I ate that (for lunch-ish).

Then I proceeded to watch Sweet Home Alabama in my PJs and ate some pancakes, dried mango, and almonds. SO nice to just not have to do anything.

I jumped into the shower, and then whipped up some brownies for church.

It amazes me how simply putting on a skirt, wearing a cute top, applying mascara, and wearing my hair different can just make my day a little happier!! Even though it was pushing 90 (or more??) outside, I looked cute & felt cute! :)

Church was incredible. I love these people so much. I love how vulnerable the environment is when we gather. There were times tonight catching up specifically with Alan, Cory, Kelsey & May that I felt very uncomfortable. But they listened on and even prayed with me. I just love them. I'm glad they are all back. I missed them so much. We all miss Nate so much too. And T&T. These wonderful people have helped me see more clearly who God is.

The last little thing that I get to end my day with is mind blowing. I did not want to move from Franson (the building I lived at this summer), I thought it was the most logical place for me to live, because of the incredible opportunity to continue building into the lives of the kids I worked with last year with our church. But tonight I learned that the one girl I have the closest relationship with through our little church body lives closer to me out here at my new home than the previous place! God does know what He is doing when He had me move out here. I just hope He finds me faithful in being intentional with her to help her grow in her faith too. Oh how I desire this so badly! Lord use me to be a light to her and to love on her. Teach me through her more of who You are and how much You love.

My God is Good. HE provides. His goodness can be seen all around us. I want to so badly rejoice in the small things. Today could be 'the last day', did I live for Him alone today? Will I chose to live for Him tomorrow and rejoice in what He has for me? Will I walk into work tomorrow with joy because of who He is and not dwell so much on all that I don't like? Lord, keep me focused on YOU.

Thirsty Guy from Florida

After a delightful time of catching up with my good, Godly friend Evan this morning, I went to the thrift store that is close to the little coffee shop we were at. I picked up a few books for a few cents each and proceeded to the check out line.

Standing there, the following conversation took place with the guy behind me:

Thirsty guy: Excuse me, your height is just so cute to me. I mean like, wow, how tall or you know, how 'short' are you?

Me (knowing that sometimes people think this type of thing to me is offensive, even though I don't even think about how 'short' I really am): Well, I'm not offended, and I'm 4'10".

Thirsty guy: Wow. Ok, so wow, your boyfriend must be like (and he raises his hands up high).

Me (thinking, um yeah, duh all the guy's I've dated have been taller than me...): Well, I don't have a boyfriend...

Thirsty guy: Oh oh ok, yeah, that's what I was wondering. So you live around here?

Me: yes. Do you?

Thirsty guy: Yeah, I just moved here from Florida. My buddies and I are trying to get that couch over there because we want to have a party and need a place for people to sit. Could you give me your number so I can call you?

Me (a little shocked): Um, I don't give out my number to strangers (!!).

I then turned around because it was (thankfully) my turn to pay at the register.

Thirsty guy: Oh ok. Yeah, I understand, I understand one thousand percent.

Wow. I could only laugh at this when I walked out the store and said "have a good day" over my shoulder.

I have NEVER had some random person hit on me like that or even ask for my number. I've been hollered at and such, but never a situation like this.

I am not sure if I should be complimented that some guy thought I looked 'cute', or if I should be insulted that that is the type of guy that is attracted to me. :( Gag.

I thought afterwords how it would have been so funny to have given him my dad's number. Haha. Or even one of my guy friends. Should I be more prepared for situations like that and come up with something better to say? Do I just look easy and that's why he hit on me? I hope not, that's not what I am intending at all when I go places!

Honestly, to me that guy was not even a man. I don't care how old or young he is, he is not a man. A real man would never do that. I'm not interested in some guy who has to ask girls out in thrift stores. I kind of feel sorry for him that that is what his life consists of.

Thank You Lord for the confidence to stand up and be strong in this situation today and for Your protection over me each day!

Psalm 23

Loneliness and self-pity have been the sins I found myself guilty of this day.

What a mockery to my Savior and my God that I am too wrapped up in feeling sorry for myself to acknowledge the One who is always with me and who is the One who will not let me down. He knows me more deeply than anyone on this earth, yet some reason I desire to be with others more than with Him? Why? Forgive me O You, the Lover of my soul!

Tonight as I walked back from taking my dear friend Kira to the train, I began down that path of feeling sorry for myself again because I was there all alone, walking down those dark streets at 11:45 pm... when the words of Psalm 23 that I memorized in the KJV as a child rang through my head. I repeated it over and over, soon I was saying it out loud. Repeating verse after verse. Growing in confidence and believing the statements as I walked along.

What a comfort and what a declaration this Psalm is. Even more so since being in Israel and seeing the paths that sheep walk along, and hearing stories of shepherds. I understand how much sheep need a shepherd because I have raised sheep. I am a sheep and God is my Shepherd. That is the most perfect picture of who God is and how much He cares for me and how much I reject Him or forget that He is ALWAYS there. I'm stupid, it doesn't make sense to me. But the Shepherd is smarter than His sheep, He watches out for their every need, every need. He LEADS.

Read this, slowly, even in the KJV, there is just something about it.

Psalm 23

1 The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.

2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

Commuting Thoughts

The man who was still digging his lawn up this morning on my walk to work. He was there last night too. Sod is still laying outside his fence. He was using the wrong shovel... maybe that's what is taking him so long?

I saw a cat chasing a bird yesterday. Made me smile.

A little boy smiled at me as I walked to work today, that really made me happy.

On the train, I couldn't help but notice all the plots of land that are sandwiched between houses that would make great vegetable gardens... but alas, they are all overgrown with weeds or old, dead cars.

More and more men these days have their noses pierced.

People who ride bikes here are crazy.

I always hope that people can't see me looking at them if I have my sunglasses on.

Some man waved frantically at me when I got on the bus today, I racked my mind trying to remember if he was a 'regular' on that route.

The Gospel should be in the Red Eye because EVERYONE reads that in the morning. Seriously, EVERYONE.

I love when little babies get on the bus and smile at me. One little one did this today, her hair was in a little pony tail, sticking STRAIGHT up... she was too cute.

I'm trying to sit up straight for the two hours I'm traveling during my day. It worked today.

I love bilingual children and overhearing their mothers speak to them and then the response is in another language.

I know more Spanish than I thought. I could hear the basics in a conversation today, that was encouraging.

Some people really probably should not wear skirts or dresses.

One man on my morning route seriously wears the same thing every day, and one of the essentials is a green fishing vest... no, he isn't even old, he's probably late 20's early 30's. With a LONG pony tail... longer than I've ever had.

In this neighborhood it I am so out of place because I do not have tattoos all over my body... or even one.

I wonder about these people who are my fellow commuters. What are their lives like? Do these business people enjoy their jobs? Do they feel stuck in an endless routine?

I don't think I always want to do the same job Monday thru Friday 9-5 for the rest of my life. I think that would get old. I guess I do need change.

Iron

Proverbs 27:17 (yes, in the good ole NKJV) :)
As iron sharpens iron,
So a man sharpens the countenance of his friend.

I thought today about what has transpired in the last three months for me. So much, but today I focused on two people who God has used over the last few years to shape me into who I am today.



This is a picture of Nate & I back-in-the-day when we first really started hanging out ALL THE TIME.

He stretched me and challenged me more than any other guy on this earth ever has. I am so thankful for his friendship, company, and all the learning we got to do together. He is such a good brother and man of God. I said good-bye to him back in June. Oh but the memories remain. Many, many memories. How could I not remember him? He is the one I shared PCM, work, church, and the majority of my classes with, how could I not miss him?

I'm praising the Lord right now, he just got engaged this weekend, and I could not be happier... I KNOW this man NEEDS a wife... lol

Then today...

....aaaarrrrgggggggggg....

.....today.....

Has it hit me yet??

No.

Will it?

Probably. :( However, it may take a bit.



Today this beautiful, wonderful, amazing, Godly woman left me.

I lugged her 100lb suitcase down three flights of stairs in my PJ's and gave her a brief hug at 7am this morning. That was our good-bye. Will I see her again? I have no idea on this side of Heaven, that's for sure.

Shannon has been one of the most sharpening people I've ever been with. I did life with her for the last two years at least. She has challenged me in virtually every way of my life, thinking, and doing things. Seriously, from hanging out with people of other cultures, to not letting the air out of a zip-lock bag... she has stretched me time and time again out of my comfort zone and forced me to be less selfish. I don't think she realizes half the time the stretching the Lord uses through her in my life, but few people in my life affect me like she does.

So I guess the grieving begins (or continues) as I begin to process and adjust to two of my closest friends moving on with their lives. I cannot help but wonder who will be the next person in my life God will use to sharpen and mold me? Will I be willing to allow someone else in at that level?

Oh Lord, please make me Iron in someone else's life, and help me allow others to be the iron I need too.

People

Britt is staying with us this weekend. So fun to have one last weekend, just the girls, before Shannon leaves. Tonight we are going to get drinks (real drinks ;) ), eat chips and salsa, and maybe watch a movie. Then tomorrow we will hang with the others who are arriving back on campus. One last sha-bang. Yeah, I'll miss my scattered, laid-back, simple, creative, funny, compassionate, daring roommate. I think I'm in denial that she is leaving. It has not hit me at all. I'm just not thinking about it.

The rest of this day has been filled with seeing people from Moody. I stopped by to meet up with Jenn because she was helping me move, and Mel & Sean were sitting in the plaza. So good to catch up with them.

A bit later Diego, Naomi & Angelica came. Then Hector. Then I saw Dre walking along, caught up with him. Talked with Alan for a bit. Then off to Jimmy's to pick up my things. Jenn is awesome, and got everything from Jimmy's into her car, and then everything from this apartment... all one trip. She is so great.

After many times up and down three flights of stairs at both apartments, and many heavy boxes, most of my things are in the new place. I even met the neighbors across the hall.

Jenn and I went back to campus just to chill before she had to work. We went to our favorite spot, the SDR, and I saw some of the boys. Dan, Colin, Michael and Big James. Colin greeted me with "Hey LITTLE GUY!!!!!" And ran to give me a big wet hug. Dan was all smiles just like always. I just love them. Then walking through the servery Big James came through the door and we both just ran and hugged! How refreshing to see familiar faces and be in one of my favorite places in all the world.

A while later the crew started to arrive. Kristina, Krystallin, new people. Then Anna showed up!! What a treat! I got to talk with Hailey for a while and catch up with her. Saw Linnae, and chatted with Tiffany. Ate with dishcrew and laughed just like old times. I felt a little funny knowing that I had been on dishcrew longer than anyone at that table, going around and remembering when all or most of them started. A little weird.

As I left campus I ran into Kyle, Cristina, and Kelsey.

Oh I love these people. It is so weird to go back to campus, but so good to see and be around people that know me and I can just be myself. It amazes me sometimes the people who are my friends, I know it is only because of the common bond of Jesus Christ that makes us friends, and that is so wonderful and beautiful. I would not have it any other way. These people have helped me become who I am today because of Christ working in us all.

I am thankful that they are not all gone, I am thankful I can go back and visit and still know a few people. That is encouraging to me. I'm glad I live here for now. I just wonder what is next.

Lord, please help me to rejoice with where I am at now. Help me to live each day as it is my last and to love those who are in my daily life.

Daydreaming

It happened again. Something about sitting on the bus just gets my mind in 'daydream' mode.

So today on the way home from work I thought about how much I love cooking/baking and the thoughts just ran from there.

What if I became a small business owner and opened a little shop in a city (Chicago?) and was only open for breakfast and lunch. I would have a counter with bar stools and a few tables. Everything on the menu would be my favorite things to cook and eat for breakfast and lunch with special names. The decor would be simple, but with a country/old fashioned theme. I'm sure there would be a John Deere tucked into some corner. :)

The little shop would be called "Reb's". I would make my own little uniform dresses out of checkered fabric and wear a different color every day. If the work got to be too much, I would have one of my brothers, probably Peter, come help me out. The goal of this little cafe would be to serve people and love them through giving food. Sure there would be prices, but I would want to get to know my regulars more than their money. Building relationships with people in a natural setting would be the goal, in order for the Gospel to be incorporated and proclaimed.

I'm sure I could expound on this dream more and more, but I guess that is all for now. I wonder some times if the majority of the people in this world enjoy the jobs they go to 9-5 Monday-Friday. Do most people really do what they love?

Then I wonder, what do I love? Is it possible to do what I love for the rest of my life? Is it better to do something I love than to make loads of money?

The Waiting Season

That is what this is. I'm in transition and I'm waiting on the Lord. I have no idea what my future holds. All I know is that He will not fail me and He is faithful. I have to trust Him.

I'm so frustrated with my job because it is affecting the rest of my life. I am learning so much there, but it drains me so much too.

I started this day thinking that I one day actually want children, and about 3:30 this afternoon I was about to walk out of work and never come back. And on top of that vow to never have children! I am trying to not take the harshness of a three-year-old too personally, but wow, today I was completely offended. Maybe I'm being the childish one here.

Then as I waited for the bus, my dear friend called, he told me he and his wife are expecting their first child in February. To which I was ecstatic that he is going to be a daddy!! But as we ended our conversation, I could not help but be sad that the majority of my very close, deep friends are now married, and at least 3 of them have babies already. I feel like I'm behind. I feel like I'm missing out. And I so want to be right there with them.

I came home and made a yummy dinner, but as I prepared and cooked the food, I could not help but wonder if there is a guy out there, is there a man I can share food with one day and cook him meals? I want to be his wife. I want to have a little home and be the woman of the house. Oh why is this such a desire of mine? I wish that it would just go away.

When I lay these longings before my King, He says wait as of lately. So my King, I will wait. Hold me though while I wait, my tears are big and my heart heavy.

Mom

Tonight I talked with my mom, which was one of the best conversations I've had with her ever.

This woman is incredible. When I talk with her as I have gotten older and get an inside view at what her life has been, I am in awe.

This woman is a quiet, beautiful, natural, free, fun, loving, caring person. She is totally a country girl through and through. I was reminded of this when she told me she did something 'out of the ordinary' today. I had no idea what to expect, last time she told me something like that she had 'gone to coffee' with a lady from church! :) (To which, I cried because it has been so long since I saw my mom with a real friend!)

Well, today the guys went camping, and Heidi was still at work, so Mom went to the county fair. She said she walked through the livestock barns, then the exhibit hall and looked at all the projects. She talked with a little girl from Sam's class about her hog she showed. Mom is the expert pig woman. She knows so much about those animals! So I don't really know why mom said today was something 'out of the ordinary', but to me it sounded like she actually did something she LOVES!

Made me really miss the country. The slow life. Because today I saw the opposite. I saw the life of the Urban Mom. Oh my, it is different. It is still a culture that I do not understand. I struggle here. I do not understand. Sure there are good and bad in both, but today I was really struck with how simple life was when I grew up in the country and how for the kids I watch, life is complicated! All the pressures of the urban mom.

Then I asked my mom if she had a hard time transitioning after college. This is when I began to cry because I began to see my lovely mother at my age almost 30 years ago. I could see her, 3 weeks after graduating from college, a newly wed in a new city, no job, and only able to call family and friends once in a while because those calls were long distance (meaning expensive!). And dad had the car when he went to work, so she said she would sit at home and sew or learn how to bake bread (which is the best homemade bread I have EVER had in my entire life!).

I could see her. I could hear for one of the first times ever my mom being real and sharing with me something of her past that was a hard thing at the time. These moments don't happen much. I felt like I got a piece of treasure. I was also encouraged because I knew she knows how I feel in some ways. She knows what it is like to be so far from family and friends, and have to adjust to some place totally new.

Something else I have thought about this week about my mom is that she is just a wonderful mom! She told me tonight that she gave up her job to be a mom. They wouldn't give her part time work so she told them to tell her what their process was for her to resign! She said her friends thought she was crazy to sacrifice her degree and a good job to be a MOM! And at this point she was a new believer, so lots of things were new and different in her life. I'm so thankful for my mom who sacrificed to be there for my sisters, brothers, and I. She taught all 5 of us to read, write, do math, how to clean, cook, use proper manners, do laundry, talk kind, and most of all, she loved to tell us Bible stories. It is my mom who first shared with me the story of Jesus and because of that, I am where I am at today.

I hope that one day I can be as good a mom as my mom is and has been. God bless that woman!

Thoughts and Food...Or the Lack of both

Yesterday was incredibly hot in Chicago.

I felt a little 'off' all day. Just thought it was PMS.

Awoke at 12am with a terrible belly ache.

About 10 minutes later I was saying good-bye to my dinner.

After recovering from the violence, I crawled back into my sweaty bed and draped a damp cloth on my head.

Finally some sleep.

Awoke with the strong hunger burning inside of me, to which I thought "I guess I'm better enough to go to work."

I ate about 4 crackers, drank 3 sips of coffee, showered and ran out the door.

Sat on the bus.... IN the sun the whole way.

Began feeling worse.... and worse.

Began to doze, and jolted awake just before my stop.

Walked into work and told Tammy I didn't feel good.

She went to work, Matty ate his food, then he went to sleep.

I stretched out on the couch for two hours and slept while Matty tossed and turned and eventually slept too.

I woke up around Noon and Matty was out.

I wandered to the kitchen, then the bathroom.

I felt sick.

Stayed in the bathroom.

Oh dear, round two.

Why did I come to work?

Phone rings... Tammy, I'm sick.

Matty wakes up.

We play on the floor.

Micah & Tammy come home.

The boys eat fries and chicken nuggets while I chug some Pepto.

Finally Micah is done and he goes to sleep.

Next Matty to bed.

I sit on the couch, dozing in and out as Matty plays quietly in his crib.

Tammy comes down about half hour later, I leave.

Longest trip on the bus of my life, then the el.

Stop at 7Eleven got some 7up and Naked Juice.

Climb slowly to the apartment.

Take out the trash.

Check email.

Go to bed.

Wake up an hour later to my roommate coming home with a can of Sprite in her hands.

Back to sleep, but wake up an hour later.

Hungry.

Roommate making dinner.

Smells amazing.

I'm contemplating if I should eat some.

Just as Shannon is asking if I want some, I say "I feel like throw....." But couldn't finish because, well, yep, round 3.

Alas, my conclusion of today is that 7up tastes better to throw up than water.

I have not had a meal or even food stay in me since lunch yesterday.

I have no energy.

What is this?

I never get sick, I really don't know what to do when I am.

I want to eat, but nothing really sounds good at all.

The only thing I really thought about today was how fun it would be to take a trip to Ecuador for about a week and visit the Hunters, then to go to Peru for about a week and visit Bethany and family, then go to Brasil for Nate's wedding. That would be so much fun. If only if only I had the time and the money I guess!! :)

One of those question things

I found this on facebook, but thought it would be fun to put on my blog. Fun, relaxing time killer!



What is on your bed right now?
a blue sheet, Shannon's pillow, my John Deere pillow, and my two green blankets

When was the last time you threw up?
April 30, my birthday right before my presentation

What's your favorite word or phrase?
Oh My Word

What were you doing at 8 am this morning?
walking to the train and eating my bagel

What were you doing 30 mintes ago?
walking home from the train

What is your favorite holiday?
Thanksgiving, because everyone is at Grandma's and she & I do all the cooking

Have you ever been to another country?
Belize, Canada, Italy, Peru, Israel (been in the airport of Spain & Germany)

What is the last thing you said aloud?
"there's no food" I said this to myself...outloud oh dear!

What is the best ice cream flavor?
VANILLA!

What was the last thing you had to drink?
Water

What are you wearing right now?
a t-shirt from high school, my denim short/capri things

What was the last thing you ate?
i'm eatin a can of green beans right now... seriously all i could find

Have you bought any new clothing items this week?
No

When was the last time you ran?
At COP with Tim & Jo :)

What's the last sporting event you watched?
The world cup final

If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Africa

Who is the last person you sent a comment/message on facebook?
Bethany Grubb

Ever go camping?
oh yes, nearly every summer as a kid

Do you have a tan?
yeah, still some distinct lines from spring break

Have you ever lost anything down a toilet?
just the waste

Do you use smiley faces on the computer alot?
yeah :)

Do you drink your soda from a straw?
only really at restaurants

What did your last text message say?
Um I cannot repeat it...

Are you someone's best friend?
Hmm good question

What are you doing tomorrow?
Working working working

Where is your mom right now?
In Colorado with dad and Heidi

Look to your left, what do you see?
A rocking chair

What color is your watch?
i don't have one

What do you think of when you think of Australia?
Kiwis

Ever ridden on a roller coaster?
yep

What is your birthstone?
diamond

Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru?
usually go in

Do you have any friends on facebook that you actually hate?
No I don't think so.

Do you have a dog?
nope, thankfully.

Last person you talked to on the phone?
Ruth my sista

Are you happy?
sure

Where are you right now?
Adam & Hannah Stuart-Walker's place

Biggest annoyance in your life right now?
the dripping faucet in the bathroom when it could easily be turned off and stopped!!

Last song listened to?
Different Kinds of Happy by Sara Groves

Last movie you saw?
Persuasion

Are you allergic to anything?
sulfa drugs

Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time?
my havianas from brazil

Are you jealous of anyone?
no

Are you married?
nope

Is anyone jealous of you?
i really highly doubt that!

Do any of your friends have children?
Lots of them

Do you eat healthy?
Mostly at work, and I try to at home by cooking my meals... however it takes food to cook, and it seems I have NONE!

What do you usually do during the day?
work with children

Do you hate anyone right now?
no

Do you use the word 'hello' daily?
yes, probably a lot

How many kids do you want when you're older?
three or five

How old will you be turning on your next birthday?
23

Have you ever been to Six Flags?
yes

How did u get one of your scars?
my cat, Patches scratched my leg when I was really little, the scar grew with me

The Invisible Line

I see it every day on the bus on my way to work, and tonight it was even clearer.

Little did I know that I would be the cause of a verbal brawl tonight as I sat at Fred's birthday party in the grass with three or four little girls running their fingers through my hair, pulling it this way and that, and making comments like "your hair is so smooth" or "look how it flops" then one of them said "I like white people's hair".... that comment was like a bomb that went off. All of the adults who were sitting around, probably not knowing what to do with these two 'white girls', turned their heads and started yelling at the poor girl. One lady said "honey, she is no different than you! Don't be talking about the skin, that doesn't make any difference about who a person is!" Another little girls yells, "she ain't white, she black!" At that I thought, what makes me black in her mind? She must see something that some people miss, is that the way I look at people too?

When it came time to leave, Shan & I had a ride from one of the uncles, his son and step grandson were with us all too. I have no clue what my family and some friends would think if they knew we were riding with people we had never met before and then proceeded to go to the most dangerous neighborhood of Chicago. Apparently we were in the heart of Englewood, the neighborhood everyone hears about on the news. I couldn't help but wonder what people must have thought as they saw us two white girls in the back seat.

And then I thought of it again, that invisible line, no white people go down that way. Which isn't terrible, but it is clear that there is still a deep rooted hate on both sides and people on each side don't know what to do because they don't know where each individual person is at. It is a risk everyone takes to step out and look beyond that color. I'm willing to step over the line and treat everyone I come in contact with no different than anyone else. Even as I say that though, I think of the times I don't, and Lord forgive me for those times because I know You love us all the same. Thank You Father for Your Love that does not have lines defined by colors, but reaches all.

Saturday Night

As I cooked some food tonight I thought over the last few years how I spent my Saturday nights at Moody.

For a while I was with the Goossen boys every Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights. That was back when we couldn't watch movies in our rooms. So usually the four of us, and a few others we would see on the way, would go to the library and watch a movie. Or sometimes make the trek to AMC for something like Madagascar 2 or some other movie they wanted to see and we all had money to spend!

Other weekend nights I spent this last year with Kira mostly. She and I would find ourselves with no roommate for the night and not motivated by any means to do homework, so we would sink down in my dark room on Gilligan (Shannon & I's couch) and watch a funny chick flick or talk and cry. Sometimes other girls joined, but it was mostly Kira and I. Great bonding moments. :)

I learned something today: I NEED people.

I think I thought I had that figured out, but today it was so obvious. I went to campus after lunch and just hoped that I would see people I knew. I did, like Ruth, Janet, Kevin, Kyle and Caitlin, but I dreaded leaving. I knew I would probably come home to an empty place with absolutely nothing planned to do for the rest of the day. In some ways, that was freeing to think about (not having to do anything for once!!), but it was also extremely overwhelming.

Thankfully my dear roommate welcomed me with her cheery self and said "want to go for a walk?". She drug me out the door and we walked a full square in our neighborhood... a good 2 or 3 miles I guess. She bought me a soda and we chatted about how when we're old women (after we kill our husbands, if we ever get married) we are buying a super cute house with a porch and sitting out on it on summer days like today. We will match every day and everyone will know us as "those crazy, cute, little old ladies"!! Shannon said we would walk hunched over and be about 5 inches shorter than we are now :)

All that to say, I learned today I need people. It totally drains me to be alone. I love people. Oh I love people! And then the lingering question in my mind is: why do I want my own apartment?? lol I guess we'll just see how the next few weeks work out!

Tonight's Reflections

Finding joy in the simple things today:

Micah's infatuation of buying Sox's tickets from me through the window of our four story lego house...

Randomly seeing a green, white, and red stack of lego blocks lying on the floor... me then trying to explain to Micah that those are the colors of Italy's flag... which then he wondered what a flag is...

Moments later... Micah was saying "Miss Becca, Miss Becca, come watch Italy's Sox game!!" Only about 15 minutes later I figure out that he's named his favorite stuffed dog "Italy" who is apparently a really good baseball player :) (it took me extra long to figure this out because he kept saying "Italy" like Erie... oh dear!)

Garlic tastes good. I have cooked with it the last few nights and wow. I'm amazed that I've waited my whole life til now to use it in cooking!! It is FABULOUS!

Matty LOVES to feed himself and giggles when stuff falls out of his spoon before making it to his mouth.

Sitting on the floor cutting out pictures from magazines never gets old.

I ate BBQ chips at 11:15pm... oh my.

Aldi Limeade is a perfect thirst quencher. ($0.77 a can ! ! !)

All in all, this was a full Thursday. Managed three meals for two boys and myself, 3 naps, two baths, two little ones tucked into bed, a few stories, many corrections/scoldings, lots of playing pretend, coloring with cool crayons, all the dishes done, tables wiped and floors swept. Sigh. What a day. What a gift from God!

Culture Shock

Culture shock.

Amazing how I spent four years studying how to 'deal with' and 'go through' culture shock, but yet, I myself, did not realize I was going through it til now, week 10.

The thought hit me today on the bus. (hmmm is the bus where I receive revelations??) ;)

I decided to look through my COP notebook about culture shock. I just did that now, and yes, I meet every description in the irritation/hostility stage!! (weeks 4-11) I looked at that number, 4-11.... that is a LONG time.

I guess culture shock isn't just for people moving to different countries, it happens here in the US of A too. Probably more than we realize.

Reading the stats tonight of 'usual' happenings in culture shock/adjustment, I am encouraged that things can and will get better than how I've felt the last few days/weeks! Then I remember that I have to move AGAIN in 3 weeks. Oh dear.

Please Lord, can I stay in this building? Seriously? Can I stay? Will You allow me to stay in this wonderful housing for a little longer...only this time by myself?

Community

Tonight after work, I watched buildings and people pass by me from the bus window, and began to think about the importance of community.

The last four years I was a part of a community that provided healing, encouragement, and taught me more of who God is and how much I mean to Him. These people I miss. I miss how I could have a rough day, and just around the bend I would find a friend, someone who really did care about me and someone to do life with. I miss those people who would eat my treats I brought down to the dining room. I miss the loud conversations and the millions of laughs. I miss the deep theological discussions after chapel, as well as deep into the night when we should either be studying or sleeping.

So on the bus today, I thought, "oh sad day! I'm no longer part of a community!" THEN there was that alarm sound in my mind.... NOOOOOOO I AM A PART OF A COMMUNITY!! Everyone is. The issue now is for me to figure out my place in the community I have. What does it look like now? And just because it is different than the last four years, it is not better or worse. It is just different. The possibilities of encouragement, growth, and deep relationships still remain. The question for me is am I intentional about those in my life now? Will I continue to just be a hermit and not allow anyone else into my life because I'm in a different community? I hope and pray not. God allowed that community to infiltrate my life to better prepare me for the road ahead. Whatever that road may be.

Confused

I'm so lost and confused. I don't know what to do. I feel like I know something one day, then the next everything I thought the day before is full of doubts and I begin to think the whole opposite way of the day before. What am I to do?

Today I tried so hard to live in surrender. Anytime the screen saver of my mind went on, I tried to relinquish it to the Lord. It was and is so hard. I have no clue what I'm doing. So many people keep asking too... I have no answer. I don't know what to say because it seems that what I say one day, changes the next. Why do I have to be so indecisive and inconsistent? Why can I have no peace?

I begin to feel confident about one thing, so I start down that road, and then BAM I'm hit with something and I turn back to the opposite. I don't understand this. I honestly just want to run away from it all right now. I just don't know where I could go. Running doesn't help anything, that's what my dad always told me, and I know he is right. I just feel like I've screwed up my life and I have no idea what to do now or even what to think. I'm a total mess.